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Why did you try to kill yourself Ms. Lindsey?

Read the entire book right here on Red Room.  Simply pick the 'more' tab at the bottom of each page.

This on-line novel is about a young very vocal homophobic suburban mother who has her values tested and choses a life she at one time was convinced would send her straight to hell. 

It tells of how the affair evolved almost losing her children, her company and her family along the way.  When everything plays out tragically, instead of reverting back to a safe solitude with her husband, she accepts her identity and forges on.  

Things only seem to be getting worse. Until she meets the love of her life.  Or is it?

Will she survive?

_____and so our story begins...______________________

 

New Hampshire

 

 

July 21, 2010

The room was stark, nothing but a wash in white.  Nurses and doctors were rustling about.  The only sound I could hear was a repeated knock whishhh knock wishhhh.  I felt like I couldn't breath.  I tried to talk, but  I couldn't.  Where was I?  Who are these people?  Where is Mel.

I tried at once to clear my head.  A nurse stood over me

"Don't try to talk you have a tube down your throat".

I must have looked panic struck.  Maybe because I was.

"It's okay" she whispered.

Not so much! This is certainly NOT okay. As I came out of the thick pea soup fog, I started to remember.  I turned around to go back into the warm blanket comfort of that fog, but, alas it was gone. 

"Ms. Lindsey, I am Doctor Brighten." The name, obviously a misnomer.

"Ms. Lindsey, do you know where you are?" 

Well this pretty much better be a hospital.  This doesn’t feel like a cruise ship and I did not sign up for a respirator excursion.

The doctor reached down "Cough for me Ms. Lindsey".  

I  did as he said.  He pulled out my larynx.

"I " "can't" "breath"

"Well your breathing now." he said in an irritating tone.

Oh forgive me doctor, or is it God, whatever was I thinking, you gave me breath, didn't you?

"Do you know why you are here Ms.Lindsey?"

I stared at him with nothing but contempt. Yes I knew why I was here, it all came flooding back to me. I took a bottle of clonazepan. The intention was clear and there is an entire medical industry banking on these experiences.

"Where is Mel?"

"That person who phoned you in?" 

 And again with the sarcasm (I really believe their needs to be a sarcasm font).  He already knew who I was talking about.

Why did he ask me? 

That person who phoned me in?

He already knew.  "Probably at work".  

The absolute most terrifying thing had happened. Something Mel and I discussed everytime the discovery channel ran one of their ER shows.  We discussed this at length. If either of us were in the hospital with a machine giving us life, the other one would stay. Keep vigil. Communicate by writing. Mel wasn't here.  

The Doctor said Mel never came. It seemed like just yesterday, my life was as close to perfect as it could be.  Wait a minute.  It was yesterday.  Well excluding the five days I have been in limbo.  And I never met one pagan baby.

 Mel and I had gone to our favorite restaurant to celebrate my birthday and our 14th anniversary. 

And now, Mel is at work. And I had tried to do myself in.  Not out of some deep dark depression, but because I had no choice. The alternative was too awfull to think about.  I fell off to sleep again.

I had been in there 5 days. The first day I was in a coma.  I'd always wanted to know what goes on in a person's head when they are in a coma. For three days all I heard were steps. And more steps.

Your mind creates a reality from whence it came.

Mel had not come in once. Not even called.

How could you be with someone for 14 years, totally and completely in love one day, and the next be completely alone, deserted?

What had I done to deserve this?

We were to be married. Mel had been hounding me for years...but not as of late.

"Why did you try to kill yourself, Ms. Lindsey?" again... he asked This was a loaded question and it did not matter what my answer would be. In his eyes I was looking for attention. I was a coward. If I threw myself in front of a car to save someone else would they call me a coward?

If I had cancer and took medications that had a higher risk than cancer, would I be a coward?

If I walk the public streets of Houston with a Pro-Gay T-shirt, am I a coward? 

If I were in WW2 and being a German, chose to live my life with a Jew, would I be a coward?

If I went to Bagdad with an army uniform and an UZI knowing certain death was around the corner, would I be a coward?

I am not trying to diminish what the brave souls of our country are doing for our rights. But they fight for my right to not live a painful existence. 

And then of course there's my mother. (Which requires a whole blog unto itself)

WHY DO PEOPLE USUALLY TRY TO KILL THEMSELVES?

The answer to this question is as diverse as the person it applies.

As unique as a fingerprint.

So, in the future, refrain from saying "It's not your fault, he/she/it was a coward", and when someone else does, remind them, we are to think of ourselves as inimitable, and we cannot, when one single act seems to tolerate an entire species using that load of crap to invalidate, while keeping them free of any responsibility.

Every death is as personal as every life.

Something to do with making life unlivable???

I had absolutely NO choice. There was no alternative and that is what Mel counted on.

The previous January I had been in the hospital for 2 months. I had MRSA and E-Coli in my stomach and my lungs. Things had not been right since then. Then on July 16, after I was given the news from Mel. I was destroyed. And now I am in the hospital with an uncertain future. .

Everything...

 

 More ...   

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Yes, this is absolutely positively true. If you lived this wouldn't you write about it? Some of the names of characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an account of actual events. Some of the events have been compiled together for the flow of the story. Even when I read my own work, I wonder how it could be so. But if you study your own life and compartmentalize it into less than 200 pages, you would be surprised how interesting it really is!

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My Dear readers,This story

This story begins last year, delves into the painful history starting 25 years ago and will end with the events that led to the devastating outcome in New Hampshire and the very unexpected results.

The story is laced with the all too important life saver of humor, a certain amount of erotica, controversial experiences and painful decisions.

My heart has gone into this as I have been a hermit for the past 14 months preparing and ultimately reliving the events that have put me here.

And it is with you that I will find my way.

Thank you.