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Chapter 8 ... Make Love Stay

"Love begins with an image; lust with a sensation."  Mason Cooley

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I needed to pay attention to a potential destructive force of my marriage.

She was supportive with my plans for the future. She talked to me at length about family, religion, marriage, school; she had a thought for everything. In some ways I was venerating her, giving her views more credibility than they deserved, I am sure.

She sensed this and worked it. I spoke to her daily. Then several times a day. Then several hours each time.

It was May 5th when she finally broke through the dam and causing my emotions to funnel out in a flood of confusion, disbelief and fear.

No more walking on tenterhooks.

“Dianne, do you understand what is happening here?” 

In spite of it all, I didn’t know if she meant what I thought she meant. If I am wrong I would be setting myself up for ridicule. Can you imagine what Anna, my husband, my friends would think?  Me making a pass at my sister-in law’s female lover? 

 I knew what was happening...

 I thought I knew what was happening.

But I was not going to be the one to bring it to the surface. That didn’t matter. She asked me if I felt the way she did. I hung up the phone, ran out to my car and drove from Spring to North Shore in the height of the worst rush hour. The entire ride was full of anxiety, fear, anticipation. I should have turned back. I had a 50-mile drive through rush hour to get hold of my faculties and come to my senses.

I arrived at her house, parked in the driveway and entered through the front door. I could hear some faint banter from behind the house where Debra’s father ran a small lawn mower repair business.

I should be honest ... I ran into her house, she was in back with her father, but I could hear her rush to the front.  My heart was in my throat. On the way over, I knew this was against anything I ever believed in. I knew it was dangerous, I knew this was the end of a life that was safe.

I would soon find out it was the beginning of living for me.  But at what cost?

It was as if I had never existed before that one savage moment.  

 


But before I could call her name she was there,

She swept me up and held me looking down into my eyes and my heart stopped as her lips met mine, so tenderly so warm, so perfect,  such a small word for such an explosive event.
I felt my head spinning. 

I cannot explain the feeling, it was as though I stepped out of my body. Then all the fear and trepidation disappeared and she may as well have been the last person on earth.  I wanted to laugh and cry all at once. 

My life was all explained in that one kiss.   She pulled me into the bathroom and closed the door.  I did not know how this worked, what do I do next, what if she touched me - what if she did not?

But all she did was kiss me and hold me.

Anna called, she had picked up Devon from Casa De Esperansa where she went to pre-school.   All at once, everything came flooding back to me. That kiss affected everyone around us.  In time, it would be more far reaching than anyone could envision.

But for now, I had other things on my mind.

I was going to have to follow through on this. But honestly, I knew this was a bad idea and I had better come to my senses.   Debra tried to find things to keep Anna away, but we had to face facts.  Someone somewhere was going to find out.   Nevertheless, maybe this could be postponed until I got my sanity.

She pulled me into her bedroom, there was the bed.  It looked much more ominous now that our situation took this fork in the road. How many times I had lain on that bed watching movies with Anna and Debra.   I looked around the room for a chair I knew was not there.  

"You can sit on the bed Dianne" she said  "you have no idea how many times I have watched you laying on this bed"

We all watched videos together in this once "family" bed.  I was not about to desecrate it.  Debra was very respectful and leaned against the dresser, with her arms folded.   I sat on the bed.

Until now, I thought I chose the correct path, but it was not the path of least resistance

“Debra, what are we going to do?”

“About what?” she asked.

“Oh, please, don’t make me spell it out.” I was afraid, vulnerable.

“Dianne lets just take this slowly” she said

“Oh now its take this slow? What have you been doing for the last three months?”

“Last three months” she exclaimed, “try last year”

Now that is perseverance. I have had men jump through hoops, but for a year? Hardly.

“Nonetheless,” I clarified “This is serious, even if we don’t make one more move.”

I was going to find out one of her most annoying attributes and that is to dissect what I say and take out what she wants to debate.

“Do you want to stop?”

Now she put me on the spot. Yes, as a matter of fact, I did want to stop, this had gone far enough.  I got up from the bed and went into the kitchen.

“I’ll make dinner” I insisted, “We need to carry on as normal”

She pulled me to her, kissed me again and held me so tenderly.  What the fuck should I do?  She reached over my head and took the phone.  She called Anna and told her to pick up dinner.  Anna obliged.

Debra was much taller than I was, I felt lost in her arms, safe. She smelled wonderful.  We had few words after that.  I pulled away and asked her to let me think.  She took this as my attempt to back down.  I needed to rationalize this. I thought over the last months. She managed to be there whenever something went wrong.

She would disparage Jack.  And her concern over Trey's grades.  It all made perfect sense.

Debra had retreated to the back area to talk with her father and I was perched in front of the TV, not watching what was on.I was deep in thought. I was fully aware that all intimate relationships were just that, intimate.  Lesbianism was still very closeted then and the media was not inundated with shows we see today, the L-Word etc. I had a good idea about what was to happen. Could I do “it”?

Debra was standing at the threshold between the hall and front room.

“How long have you been standing there?” I asked

“Long enough to see that you are disappointed.”

What, where the hell did she get that?  If I were disappointed, we would not be having Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner.

“Dianne, are you afraid?” she asked

“A little. I haven’t done something like this, I don’t know what you want me to do next,” I said

“I want your first time to be perfect,” Debra offered, “I want to have candles and music. I don’t want to be rushed"

She doesn’t want to be rushed. Hmmm, what exactly was she going to do?

Anna walked in the door, and stopped, looked at us

“What is everyone so serious about?"
We both talked at one. First me ...“Nothing” Then Debra...

“Dad and I are having some difficulty with one of the mowers"

We both looked guilty as shit. This did not hinder Debra from her mission. She grabbed her keys off the top of the TV, took my arm,

“Dianne and I are going to rent some movies for the kids” she said “I’m sure you will want to take a shower. Devon and Trey can watch TV in the bedroom"

”“Please, I wanna go” yelled DevonThank god I thought

.“No Devon, you need to eat some dinner BEFORE you watch movies” She explained, “You always talk me into getting you junk food”

Devon went off to the bedroom to fight with her brother and Anna wasted no time getting into the shower. Debra and I left.

When we rounded the corner of their block, Debra asked me to move next to her.  When I did she put her hand on my knee. It was obvious that “We are ready for go, Houston”.  She headed toward the Video store, and then pulled into a heavily wooded park.

She stopped, pulled out the keys.The trees engulfed us and the music played ever so softly

And then the rapture...

when precious flesh is greedily consumed

Now that we've loved Now that the lonely nights are overHow do we make love stay? 

More...   

 

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 Yes, this is absolutely positively true. If you lived this wouldn't you write about it? Some of the names of characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an account of actual events. Some of the events have been compiled together for the flow of the story. Even when I read my own work, I wonder how it could be so. But if you study your own life and compartmentalize it into less than 200 pages, you would be surprised how interesting it really is!  

 

TRUTH HAS WITNESSES (Dianne Lindsey) This material is the copyright Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author. All rights reserved ©

 

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Like there was not one so obviously in the crosshairs. I revisited my relationship with Debra. After all, she was a wonderful sitter for the kids. In addition, cheap. FREE! And she was someone I could confide in. Not that I had given much thought to secrets since my life was an open book.