2) I would have monetary problems for a few years, but I would become successfully self-sufficient
3) A man with graying blond hair was going to change my life.
2. For many years I was rolling in it
3. I never could figure this one until I came tro Texas in August of 2010.
I was devestated when I moved to Texas and got on the net looking for anyone who had experienced what I did. I couldn't find it, so I decided to confess to the whole matter and give someone else a place to go to and find solace.
I watched Juli&Julia and that is where 'Salon' came up. The next day I started this blog. The first 10 pages were crazy rants intended to do nothing but get it out of my system. Of course after reading all that nonsense, I went back and rewrote everything so it no longer was a running sentence like a tire fire.
One hundred and thirty three pages later, I am actually finished. And no, I am not going to miss this. Too dreary and dreadful with too little gratuitous sex.
There were times where I stopped with no inclination to return. Leaving the story hanging. Then I would get a PM or email asking where I was. And I would start writing again and suddenly feel refreshed and reborn with every page I tapped out. It was as if telling the story, healed that particlar event.
For fourteen years I felt blessed more than words can say. I had the love of my life. I loved her unconditionally and knew she loved me the same.
For fourteen years I was with someone who I felt was above reproach, perfect.
For fourteen years I heard "We will grow old together. We will be two little old ladies sitting on a porch in rocking chairs enjoying our last years together."
In the fourteen years I heard "How could I ever leave someone as good as you? You took care of my family; my sister after her operation and when she needed you to come help her at home. You took my niece and her two small children in when she was strung out on drugs, something I refused to do myself. You took care of both my invalid parents until they died. You quit your job to do it. You even take care of my co-workers."
In the fourteen years I heard "You don't need a car, I will always have one and you only need me to take you where you need to go. You don't need a job, I will take care of you. You don't need your teeth, I love you just like you are."
For fourteen years I heard "No one will love me like you do."
For fourteen years I heard "I will never leave you."
Fourteen years and one month later I heard "I no longer want to be with you".
Every Single Promise was broken.
I was by no means a saint, and in retrospect, all the things I have done for Mel and her family, friends and coworkers I would have done anyhow even knowing the outcome. It's my nature, and perhaps that is what attracted her to me. But there is a part of me that feels that she had a moral responsibilty to make certain I was safe and comfortable. After all don't we have that responsibility to each other as human beings? I don't have to be in love with someone to know I must help them.
If I said I was over this, I would be lying. No one gets over something like this.
If I said I was glad the break up happened, a lie as well. It was so painful it almost took my life.
If I said I wish I never met Mel, well...let's just say, hopefully, I will eventually be able to say that. After all, I do have some wonderfull friends and some memories because of it. The worst part of a breakup like this is the memories it steals. I cannot think about any of the good times without pain, so essentially, I have lost 14 years.
However, I cannot think about those memories without seeing her face and feeling pain all over again. So I must not, I mean this particular blog series needs to end!
I can't get my head around what Mel did. Forget that it's me, just how could she do that to ANYONE? If this had been a LifeTime movie, at the very last minute, Mel would have found her concience and some of that morailty she hypes and walked into her sister's house, telling her that she just couldn't be like her. That things may be tough, but couples work it out.
The pity party is officially over.
I did find I don't need anyone to take care of me. I learned how freeing it is to live only with one's self. I see my worth through other people. And I deserve to live.
Of all the things I shouldn't forgive Mel for, the thing I can't is the drugs. She knew about Suboxone. She knew the only thing that was keeping me from a drug free life was my absolute terror at withdrawls. My psyche doctor has some culpability as well. Even when Mel knew I was suffering so severely at Jerry's, and she did know, so did 'Doc' Cheryl, she said nothing when Jerry told her of my vomiting, cold sweats, and finally seizures. Dana was the first person to tell me about Suboxone.
March of 2011 was the beginning of my new life.
I have 700 friends on Facebook, Juliana being one of them. Juli was also an ex-lover of Mel's and she was more adamnant than Dana in her feelings of never wanting to see or hear anything from Mel. She despises the woman and also made it clear, if I ever connected with Mel again, she would block me. Her and Dana are two good reasons to stay clear of the woman. Oh...and Jerry said he would kill me I don't think it was an exageration.
My ex-lovers found me on Facebook and now they are no longer referred to as exes, but just good friends...including Debra. And anyone and everyone that I have known or maybe, just met.
People have sent various and sundry internet links about Candee and Mel. One of them was the latest picture of Candee at 66 years of age and obviously working the plastic surgery circuit. The picture was seriously air brushed and even in spite of it, you could see her poor skin stretched so taught her ears meet at the back. She looked like one of those weird Russian 'Barbie Doll' girls.
She looks like what a Hooter's girl would look like after putting her in the microwave. On high.
I am no longer addicted to drugs, I have calmed quite a bit from the strain of my break up. I started my blog and the best, Jerry found an apartment for me. I shuddered to think what it may be. I had pictures of Cabrini Green in Chicago. Infested with roaches and vermin, unsafe.
A low-income apartment complex just built in 2009. It is one of the most beautiful places you could find. The Houtex motel has been completely redone into single occupancy apartments. They are furnished with a living area, kitchen and full bath. The apartments are luxurious and the setting is bucolic. The traffic runs steady on I45 outside, but you can't hear it from inside the complex with the little mini parks, barbeques and game areas. There is a spacious, stunningly decorated rec room, or dayroom as they call it with a huge wall mounted television, library and kitchen. They have people to assist you in everyday living. And on Fridays and Saturdays they show movies with popcorn and on Saturday mornings a van takes everyone to the store. There is a security desk and no one can just wonder in off the streets. There is 24 hour security and over 100 cameras.
Rather grainey pics of my apartment
I have decorated my little room and have received awards from the building management.
The cost: $475 with all bills paid, including air conditioning, a must in Texas and cable. It also has a huge computer lab with WiFi, where classes are taught in several areas.
It has been almost 3 years since my catastrophe. It has been horrible and wonderful. I have a social life, I have several friends, ladies my age here at New Hope that go to the Ballet or Opera with me. Jerry and I go to Michael's Outpost from time to time. I have had three marriage proposals.
For the most part I am a bit of a loner, tending to both my writing and some illustrative work for a huge publication company.
Sometimes, around the holidays, I get melancholy. But they have dinners and parties here as a distraction. I do not miss my prior life. This is the first time I have been single and to tell you the truth, it’s great. No one to be accountable to. I can sleep when I want, write when I want, draw when I want.
Jerry comes over once a month whether I like it or not.
I have lost a few friends, Stephen who was my constant companion since I moved back to Houston, introduced to me by Jerry, died soon after I arrived here in Houston. Keith Caldwell who fought a brave illness and made his life worth something with his Gospel Music. My brother Bob, Anna and of course I miss the hell out of Bootsie who would have been 47 on March 3rd.
Other than that all in all, uneventful. Shoot, had I started the blog from March 2011, I'd have very few posts. Maybe opinions, or an open call or two. This is what quiet and restfull must be.
Though I no longer take pain medication, I also am pretty much pain free. It may have been the month long rehab at Vosswood where they worked my entire body to fatigue or it may be that the experts are right. Stress exaserbates pain. I no longer get Migraines, something I had since I was three years old. I haven't had one in over two years. I get sick at Christmas every year with a vile flu. This last time put me in intensive care. It seems since my illness January of 2010, I am more susceptible. Hopefully now that I am allowed flu shots once again, maybe this year will be better. But at least I am aware. I think it's pretty impressive for someone going on 60.
I have gone hungry a couple times. Mostly because I was too ashamed to call Jerry. So I have learned to plan differently.
Regrets? Sure. I should've spent more time in my children's lives. That is a given. I shouldn't have trusted her to be sending birthday and Christmas gifts, because I don't think now, she ever did that, even though I purchased and packaged them.
I aso regret what happened with Bootsie, because of all the people I helped through the years, she deserved my help the most. I would rather have been with her, somone who truly did love me, and lose her in death, than be betrayed as fully as I was.
Dana feels just as I suspect and that is, Mel had such a deep inate contempt for Bootsie that taking her one true love and keeping her was her only goal. And that once Bootsie died, there was no more competition, I was no longer so attractive. That is one opinion I have difficulty with. I mean really, FOURTEEN YEARS! That is an awfully long time to maintain a ruse.
I regret not paying attention to the early signs, truthfully, I only felt the turmoil in the last 6 months before the breakup. But I could have been better prepared. I could've made certain I put back money and had a vehilce.
And I regret not running into Dana instead of Mel that day in March 13 years ago.
But none of that happened, so I must bury those regrets and move on.
I have found Buddhism. That has been my saving grace through all the mire. I won't preach it. But if you're interested, drop me a line. I consider myself a Buddhist Catholic.
I also draw. Some of my work can be found from time to time in Dover Publications. And of course I write. There are 6 different sites that I post. And a few more here and there that have picked up my work. Mostly the fiction since, until now, the book hadn't been completed.
And as for the book, Mel knew this would happen. I promised her if she ever abandoned me, the world would soon know every small detail. My exact words 'I'm gonna move away and write a tell all novel.' But my true intention is that one day someone may be suffering through a life experience such as this and be able to read this and find comfort in knowing 'this too shall pass'.
So there it is. My story. It's finished and I never have to think of Mel again.
I think of my time with Bootsie, some of the better days with Debra, and raising my kids. Good thoughts...good thoughts.
Where is everyone now?
Debra has been blissfully happy with a beautiful wife and children of her own for 10 years soon! She is now a nurse and enjoys a full life filled with travel.( It did upset me when she showed very little emotion over Anna's passing.)
Nancy has moved to Nevada. Her beautiful daughter 'Becca' is still in Aurora and ready to have a baby any day now.
Dana is still there in Vermont, New Hampshire's sister state. But has seizures every time Mel is brought up. She has been my Rock.. MY ROCK! I have NO idea how I would have gone on without her. Ro, Dana's partner of 17 years, is one generous lady to not hinder our relationship. More than generous, an entity onto her own because frankly, I would have stopped this relationship long ago. I cry, Dana shakes me and slaps me with her words. When I am mad, she validates me. And she has been both a source of inspiration and information. So much of what I have written has been due to her fact checking. This book would have been a third as small without her.
Juli is writing, singing and losing weight. Though she is gorgeous the way she is.
Maggie is up in Canada. I have her as a friend on Facebook. We have exchanged a few emails catching each other up on things. She found me again HERE, not on Facebook and gave me the ok to write of her and me when we worked and played at the Wortham.
New girl had cancer within months of leaving me. She had suffered for 8 years, but is now in remission. She sent me a letter apologizing for the 'things' that occured when she lived with me and Devon, never quite admitting to the act. It is something I may never find closure. But I 'friended' her because my daughter did. If Devon forgave her than so must I.
Bill went to prison for killing those three charity motorcycle run crash victims in Corsicana. Sadly, he died in prison of appendicitis.
Sadly Murphy died three months after Mel gave me the boot. Chris is now raising her little girl Emily alone while her son is in college in Austin Texas.
As for Mel, I wish her the best. I really do. This part is over for both of us. I hope she meets a new girl and she finds that it is someone she really wants to be with, be loyal to and be safe. And I hope she doesn't introduce her to her sister.
Enough about me, I am so excited to get on with a segment I have been wanting to start for years. My new writing is about YOU, your hopes, dreams, places you've been, things you love to remember and things you just wish you'd forget. I hope you will want to join in and we will write it together..
Remember; If it seems too good to be true, no doubt, it is.
Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
And the best is yet to come!
Melodee "Mel" Williamson and me
Letters From the edge: A final chapter from another of Mel's ex-lovers Belinda Crash Manning
Beginning of Book
Yes, this is absolutely positively true. If you lived this wouldn't you write about it? Some of the names of characters in this blog are fictitious. This is an account of actual events. Some of the events have been compiled together for the flow of the story. Even when I read my own work, I wonder how it could be so. But if you study your own life and compartmentalize it into less than 200 pages, you would be surprised how interesting it really is!
TRUTH HAS WITNESSES (Dianne Lindsey) This material is the copyright Dianne Schuch Lindsey and cannot be duplicated in any fashion without the express permission of the Author. All rights reserved ©