By Lake "No I Don't Have a Dick But I Know One" Monahan 

“The moment might be right for you,” one advertisement announces in hospital-hushed tones.  “But your Sleeping Beauty might want to wait until tomorrow.”  Tomorrow?  She might want to wait until you get a big dick.

Aren't men sick of these ads?  Women are.  I'm about ready to refuse to have sex with a guy unless he can pass a urine test proving he hasn't taken any member-altering drugs.  I don't eat meat; and I don't want swimmers with God-knows-what's in them. 

Men, when you cannot get a hard dick it means you probably shouldn't get a hard dick.  It is like pain; it's the body's emergency alert system.  Translation:  Knock it off.  OR, worse, that you just had an orgasm five minutes ago and you're more self-absorbed than we thought.  Settle down.  Take a Valium, take a Xanax, that's something we really WOULD appreciate you sharing with us. 

Mother Nature [NOTE: Feminine wisdom trumps masculine sex drive every, damn, time] knew what she was doing when she created your dick.  It is a medical FACT that 99 percent of limp dicks—the ones that aren't just the once-in-a-while type malfunctions which we are glad to overlook—are due to fatigue, psychological issues, health problems, or old age. In other words, LEAVE THE POOR LIMP BASTARD ALONE!   

If you're tired, chances are so are we (Duh?); since you're the one always taking a nap while we whip through those dishes in the sink.  Take your damn nap!  Better yet, do the dishes!  If you have mental health issues that interfere with your ability to perform the one type of manual labor you never object to, trust me, we'll be glad to share a glass of wine and get to know you while you let a healthcare professional do all the heavy lifting.   And let’s talk about your health.  Even if we don't love you we don't want to be responsible for your death.  See a doctor.  We're chicks.  We're not going anywhere—hell, aren't you always complaining that you can't get rid of us?  That some chick you’re dating was “stalking” you? 

Here’s your chance to use stalkers to your advantage.  You are hereby granted permission to use the one woman who refuses to take the breakup seriously as a shoulder to lean on until your “medical condition” clears up.  You're doing us, her girlfriends, a favor by teaching her once and for all what we've been telling her for the last nine months—you're a jerk.  And if your health never does improve it means you're dying.  Or too old. Or in no shape to be having sex! 

You do know just how out of shape you have to be not to be able to have sex, don't you? Get.  Over.  Yourself.  Ditto for old men.  We're not particularly entranced with your hard-on, gentlemen.  We find it difficult to find anything fascinating about it.  We would love to be surprised to find that you are fascinated in parts of our bodies that are now swathed in Victoria's Secret lingerie. 

I know, I know. “The ad say so, Deb!”  Yeah, I realize that.  Problem is the women are saying NO GO.  Got it? 

Cheer up.  As women, we're more nurturing and understanding than you are.  And unlike the lot of you, if we love you, then we love you even if you are old, wrinkly, flabby, tired, or sick. We may even still feel sexual about you from time to time.  The operative phrase being, FROM TIME TO TIME, not MINUTE TO MINUTE.

Sexuality and sex aren't the same thing, boys.  We care about our sexuality; we don't care about your getting sex.  Especially if you don't need it, or if it will make you sick, or because you just had it!  Or, if it might encourage more emotional instability.  Try a prescription for that!  You know—FIRST THINGS FIRST.