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We Focus on the Damndest Things

I’m on Twitter, in case you didn’t know. If you aren’t following me - I’m @DangerSilver - I want to make it clear that you are just plain missing out on my little tidbits of brilliance. Also, you are missing out on me gloating that the Sharks are utterly dominating the Red Wings, but this is neither here nor there in relation to the topic of this article.

One of the people that I follow on Twitter is Patton Oswalt. He’s hysterical, plain and simple. He’s another person that you should follow. As a matter of fact, Time Magazine recently chose his feed as one of the fifty best in the US or something similar. I don’t really care enough to research this and find the link to the article, but should you feel compelled to do so, feel free to not send me the link because like I already said, I don’t care.

The reason I bring up Patton Oswalt is last night I was standing in line for the bathroom at a restaurant and looking at my @pattonoswalt Twitter feed. I read this from him: “I doubt that waterboarding helped capture Bin Laden, but I’ll bet it created dozens more.”

Historically, I’m a left leaning guy, I guess. I have class anger and I think that the 400 people in America who have as much wealth as 150 million Americans combined (that’s half of us, by the way) really don’t need a tax break in a time of financial scarcity. I don’t think that Larry Ellison is going to be manning the fry-a-lator at ol’ MickeyD’s anytime soon, even if I were to say, set his giant yacht on fire with a thermite grenade of some sort, possibly while it was in harbor in, say, Long Beach in June. I’m just being hypothetical here.

 I don’t mean his old yacht, the “smaller” one. I mean the BIG one: the “Rising Sun.” You remember that one, right? http://blogs.wsj.com/wealth/2007/07/26/ellisons-new-yacht/ It’s the one that he stopped using as much because it was too big to go in most harbors, and therefore had to be docked with the cargo ships, which is not the kind of place where a sixty-something trillionaire can score mega-hot, 20 year old ass merely by wagging his bejeweled penis at sunbathers from the aft deck while yelling, “The Lare-dog has a boner! Which one of you fine hoes wants a piece?!” - All the while waving around a bottle of Dom Perignon White Gold and swilling right out of the bottle.   I’m getting off track here.  Ah, yes, my political views. They are conflicted, to be sure. I believe in personal responsibility. It’s not my fault you robbed a liquor store. I am pro-drug legalization as it is the least wrong decision when one takes into account the destabilization of Mexico, Central America and the spill over of horror and decapitation into our Border States. Furthermore, I think that housing projects are failed experiments, that health care is kind of the least we can do for one another (WWJD?), unions and union workers are NOT the enemy, people can hump whomever they want to as long as they are consenting adults in their full faculties (or drunk in a bar), and that lawyers are way less useful than janitors (especially union ones).  What else, hmmm, well, corporations are intrinsically evil. Money speaks for money, and money rules all. Why are we still using fossil fuels again? A person has to be a complete jackass to want to be mayor, governor, senator, congressperson, secretary of blah-blah-blah or, the biggest jackass of them all, president. I think religion has its place in the world, which is not a very big place mind you, that anybody who takes their views too seriously or believes in absolute truths without cold, hard scientific facts (which are always changing if they’re any good) to back them up is probably a giant, self-righteous dickhead.  The government does lie to us about things, but not always. I recycle. I even compost. Shinto has much to teach us about living harmoniously with the earth. Topless bathing being illegal is totally stupid. I’m pro ethical soldier. I’m pro ethical law enforcement. I’m pro working man. I’m pro evolutionary medicine and diet.  I could go on, I’m sure, but that’s boring.  So, Patton sends that tweet and here is what suddenly hit me: Why exactly is waterboarding such an issue? Why do we lend so much drama and dialogue to this?  Fundamentally, is it kind of torture? Yeah, it sucks. Is it effective? Probably. I really don’t know. I’ve never done it, nor have I had my blindfolded head pushed into a bucket of water. However, I do recall seeing it on Battlestar Galactica, when Starbuck waterboarded the Cylon who was all in love with her in the later seasons, and that was pretty intense. Does it look bad? Absolutely. But does it make more terrorists?  I would argue that it does not have really any relation to the proliferation of jihadists who want to kill us all. Why?

  •   It happens to one person at a time, who is generally confined in some secret prison and probably not allowed to go back into the world and strap a bomb to his or her chest.
  •    It’s not nearly as nasty as the stuff that people who grow up in war-ravaged societies have seen. 

But this is the reply that I had to Patton, how I summed up my opinion on the matter: “I don’t think waterboarding really is a drop in the bucket compared to the whole ‘raining fire from airplanes’ thing.”

And then my follow up: “I am willing to take this controversial stance: I would rather be waterboarded over and over again than have my entire block bombed.”

I think that if I was a kid, and my entire family was wiped out by a missile, I might be slightly pissed off at the people who did it, deserved or no. So, if that’s the level of the playing field, missiles from aircraft that wipe out tribal wedding parties? They probably make lots of terrorists. Bucket of water and blindfold? Not so much.

Don’t worry folks. I’m not gonna get all David Cross on you guys. I’m still a pretty middle of the road guy. Also, I’d way rather tell dick jokes than talk about this stuff. So you won’t have to read anything political for a while. I promise. Follow me on Twitter. It’s mostly funny. In fact, here was the message I sent right before bed last night: “The bigger she gets, the more anal I get. That’s how it works.”

I’m sensitive.

“I don't think Osama bin Laden sent those planes to attack us because he hated our freedom. I think he did it because of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi family and our military bases in Saudi Arabia. You know why I think that? Because that's what he fucking said!-David Cross