Who do you call at 3am and the only thing you can do to stop from going insane is to scream into a pillow? Everyone else in your life has schedules, spouses, children, etc. and just simply aren't available when you need them the most. And what if they are there? What are they going to tell you -- pray?
I believe in God with all of my heart, but I must be doing something wrong. I have cried out ot Him over and over in the last year and a half and have had very few of my calls returned. Maybe God is just busy too.
I try to find little things to keep my mind active and make my days pass more quickly. That is one of the reasons that I took the opportunity to join this website ... a chance to share my voice with thousands of others and maybe find someone in the darkness who can hear and understand.
I can't in all honesty say that I've ever truly known romantic love. I have been in love and have been loved, but rarely at the same time. The opportunities that I had were squandered by my inability and immaturity when it came to giving back in full measure what I was being given. By the time I had learned my lesson, growing in spirit and responsibility, all my chances had faded like ghosts into a fog.
The crisis I have in my life are probably no worse than those shared by thousands of others at any given moment, but dealing with them alone seems to magnify my own desperation a hundred fold. Have I considered writing my own "grand exit"? Of course. Why haven't I implemented it yet? Because there is a part of me that hopes someday that God or somebody out there will hear me and give me enough solace to begin facing the challenges one at a time instead of being overwhelmed each day by an avalanche of pain.
I'm not looking for a hero. I want to be my own hero, I just haven't figured out how to use my super powers quite yet. :) It's easy to know what I would tell people if I met those in my position. And that's also part of the problem. The answers we give or are given are in themselves as old and trite as coffee and doughnuts for breakfast. Maybe if I did make the proverbial coward's leap into the abyss, it would be a beneficial clensing of the genetic pool. Perhaps what I would have to offer the world would be more detrimental than beneficial. Who knows?
I am writing this because I am hoping that someone hears me. I can't stand screaming into the empty void of the night. Even if the only response is for someone telling me that I can't write worth a damn and should stick to needlepoint, that would at least be a dialogue.
With a tip of my hat, I bid you all adieu,
D. J. Russell