Before you read this I would like to point out that this was a very difficult article to write. It required a lot of research and thought and I'm exhausted. By the way, I still don't understand men.
In my opinion man hunting is a lot like going into an empty room and finding a box of chocolates. Your mouth starts to water in anticipation and you think of all the things you like in a chocolate. You can hardly contain yourself as you push back the lid on the box. That’s when you find the good pieces are already gone and the ones that are left either have holes poked in them, bites taken out of them, or are the hard, chewy pieces that hurt your teeth. It’s even worse if all of the leftover chocolates are nuts.
My single friends and I are always lamenting over the fact that all the good men seem to be already taken. Unfortunately some wives don’t appreciate how lucky they are. One of my relatives celebrated her fiftieth wedding anniversary a few years ago and when I went to congratulate her she said, “I would have gotten less time for murder.”
But getting back to my friends.
Between the three of us we have six and a half ex-husbands. Don’t even ask about the half husband. He’s mine and it’s a long story. We talk about our exes a lot and wonder where we went wrong. One friend even said her ex was really a nice guy except for that one felony conviction and the fact he liked to date other women when they were still married. At least they never canceled each other’s votes out since only one of them could legally vote. For several years she also never had to worry about where he was, if you know what I mean. I’ve given this subject a lot of thought and even spent a dollar at Goodwill for a book by an expert. Because of my exhaustive research, which took about three hours, I think I may finally be on the road to figuring out men. Notice I said “on the road” to figuring them out. I don’t think I’ll ever completely understand them.
I decided to start by questioning some renowned experts on the field. When I couldn’t find any experts hanging around my front yard I decided to instead pick out some books to help me. The first one I’ve had for awhile and I absolutely think it is one of the funniest books I’ve ever read. Of course I’m talking about Dave Barry’s Complete Guide To Guys. The second one, which I bought, is He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
I’d like to start with the first book. Who better to explain guys than an ultimate guy like Dave Barry? Dave is always talking about the things that make guys happy. Namely beer and blowing things up. He believes that women make men far more complicated than they really are. The section with Roger and Elaine is a classic. Elaine asks Roger where he thinks their relationship is going, mentions that she knows she shouldn’t be waiting for her knight in shining armor to ride up on a white horse, and then she calls all her girlfriends to discuss Roger’s reactions. Meanwhile Roger is thinking about how he needs to take his car to the shop and only has a small idea that Elaine has said something important. He does ask a friend later if Elaine has ever had a horse. I’ve had conversations like that with men and have also spent hours on the phone afterward with a friend discussing his every word and facial expression. We’ve even discussed if the man in question raised one eyebrow or two after I brought up the subject of our relationship. In the end we usually agreed that men are strange and mysterious creatures with deep thoughts. Evidently we were wrong. Dave also points out that most men spend the majority of their time thinking about sex. I’m not sure I completely agree with that. A lot of the ones I know think about sports and food too. I did ask a male friend what he would do if his sweetie wanted to talk about their relationship during a big football game. He actually gasped! I asked him if he would throw her out. He said probably but he would also help her pack because that’s the kind of thoughtful guy he is. The idea I got about men after reading this book was, men are not complicated. What you see is what you get. Also never interrupt an important football game.
I have to admit I was a little leery when I picked up the book, He’s Just Not Into You. This book was a big deal when it first came out about five years ago and was written by a consultant and a writer for the show Sex And The City. Any of you guys ever watch that program? I didn't think so. Greg Behrendt, who was the consultant on the show, is the voice of reason. A self proclaimed former bad boy he tells women the warning signs to look for in a relationship. Some of the warning signs he mentions are: He never calls, he stands you up, he bullies you, he hates your family, he lets you support him, he disappears after you sleep with him, he’s always drunk when he’s around you, and he prefers hanging out with his friends rather than hanging out with you. Personally if I had a man that did all of those things I wouldn’t be wondering if he was into me. I would be wondering where I could hide the body. A couple of other things the authors brought up seemed like no-brainers to me. For example, if your guy is sleeping with other women then he probably isn’t that into you. No kidding! If you have to buy a book to figure that out then, no offense, you are a moron. One topic I could relate to was “if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk, he’s not that into you”. I’ve never had a relationship exactly like that but I did have something similar happen to me several years ago. I had a date with a great guy and was really looking forward to going out with him. We decided to go out to dinner on the upcoming Saturday. He promised to pick me up at 5:00 p.m. Well five o’clock came and went and I finally decided I had been stood up. Of course I was worried that something had happened to him but I was still upset. I called a friend and we discussed what could have happened and if I should call the police to report him missing. Thank goodness I didn’t. Around 5:00 a.m. Sunday morning my doorbell rang. I stumbled to the door still asleep and guess who was standing there ready to go out to dinner? I found out later that he had been to a bachelor party on Friday night, had a lot too much to drink, and had somehow gotten his days and nights mixed up. He couldn’t understand why I was so upset and we never did go out. In his defense, 5:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. do look an awful lot alike in the winter.
I asked a few guys that I blog with if they ever thought about their relationships and feelings. Then I had to go back and clarify I meant their relationships with the women in their lives because a couple of them started telling me how they feel about their cars, motorcycles, video games, or dogs. Of course I had to go back again and tell them I was talking about human women and no, androids didn’t count. One guy mentioned he liked women with a good personality and long legs. Another recounted an unfortunate experience with a girl in high school. He’s been out of high school for at least twenty years. Not one of them mentioned the word ‘feelings’ or ‘relationship’ except to mention their feelings when they see a good looking woman and their relationship with their car, motorcycle, or the latest video game. They last time I checked they were talking about movies.
Another thing I’ve noticed is men are very good at hiding their emotions unless some referee or umpire has just made a stupid call against their team. I was at a grocery store a few weeks ago in the produce department. A young lady leaned over to pick up some onions and then, well let’s just say her melons fell out of her shirt. She didn’t hurry to put them back in either. There were about three men standing close by and I was really surprised at how calm and nonchalant they looked. In fact, unless you were really studying them, you would have thought they hadn’t even noticed this lady’s bosoms spilling out of her tank top. I think what tipped me off that they weren’t all that clueless is when one guy picked up a dozen bananas and put them in his cart. Another one walked away with six watermelons. The third one saw his wife giving him 'the look’ and ran off towards the beer and wine department. And they say Cheetahs are the fastest animals on earth. Of course all of us ladies thought she was disgusting. The men probably thought the same thing but saw it as a plus.
Before I go any further I would like to ask any men that may be reading this if any of the following things went through your mind after that story.
1. That’s terrible! That woman should really dress better when she‘s in public!
2. Were her melons ‘ripe’?
3. I wonder where Cindy does her grocery shopping?
4. Snork! She said bosoms.
If you answered number one chances are good that you’re really a woman. I’ll give you a minute or two to check. Now, if you agreed with the other three answers then you are a man and it just proves I am on the road to figuring you out. I also mentioned this to the blog guys and they had many interesting questions. Most of them wanted to know if her shirt fell off completely. A few said they would have offered her some help. I just bet they would. One admitted he would have tried to take her picture if she “looked good”. He wouldn’t tell me his idea of looking good.
I guess the biggest thing I’ve discovered is men and women aren’t that different when it comes to affairs of the heart. I like to think we all are looking for someone that will not just be a husband or wife but a best friend too. Maybe we ladies should think more like a man and learn to not take each other so seriously. I have decided when I approach an interesting man in the future I’m going to be a little open minded. Maybe talk to him in soft soothing tones and not make any sudden moves. I might even offer him a Slim Jim to get his confidence. Hopefully that will make them think that I’m interesting and worth getting to know. If that doesn’t work I’m going to buy a low cut tank top and go grocery shopping.