Before you read this. I realize I posted a blog post a few days ago but, I was under the influence of cold medicine and wasn't really happy with it. I hope you like this one.
You’re going to just die from jealousy when I tell you this. I got a tweet from Stephen King and Ridley Pearson today. Pretty exciting isn’t it? Granted the tweets were actually from their fan clubs but still! You can imagine my excitement when I got the email from twitter. The same email mentioned I also had tweets from Suze Orman, Terrell Owens, and Steve Munatones. I’m not really sure who the last two are, something to do with sports I guess, but I was really touched they had all thought enough of me to send me a twitter message. As for the Suze Orman tweet it suggested that even though I could not personally afford to buy a piece of used chewing gum from the clearance rack at a dollar store, I should buy her latest book about how to save money. Should I tweet her back and tell her I’ve already thought of a way to save $29.95 (higher in Canada)?
I use to watch Suze Orman’s show every week. If you’ve never seen the show it basically tells you how to invest money and how you personally can’t afford to buy a side order of fries with your next fast food, dollar menu, hamburger. People call in at the end of the show and talk about their entire financial history including how much money they have on hand, in the bank, or have invested. Then Suze will either tell them if they are approved or denied. Suze likes to say “Denied!” a lot and she always does it with her big, toothy smile. One call, that I am absolutely not making up, was from a woman that wanted to buy a six hundred dollar cat. Now personally if I wanted a cat I would just go to our local grocery store parking lot and pick one up but this was, according to the woman, a special cat. Maybe it could talk, I don’t know. Of course she gave her entire financial history. She made well over one hundred thousand dollars a year, owned her home, owed a small car payment, and had some credit card debt. Credit card debt makes Suze frown and when I heard that I had a feeling this was not going to end well for the woman or the cat. She went on to say she had some mutual funds, whatever those are, and had a six month emergency fund in a high interest savings account. Suze listened thoughtfully and then said, “Girlfriend, she calls all the female callers girlfriend, you are denied!”. Why? According to Suze you should have an eight month emergency fund and no credit card debt before making a major purchase. I never knew a cat was a major purchase probably because I’ve never bought one. My own cat was a rescue from a parking lot and it would have been hard for me to look at her little abandoned face and then tell her I was sorry I couldn’t take her home but my mutual funds hadn’t divested themselves yet. Another call was from someone that wanted to purchase a collectible teapot that cost over a thousand dollars. This was a particularly depressing call for me because it was from a nine year old girl. What nine year old kid wants to buy an expensive, collectible teapot? When I was her age the only thing I knew about teapots came from the song, “I’m A Little Teapot”. Surprisingly she was approved. She had no credit card debt, received an allowance of fifty dollars a week, had no car payment or mortgage, duh!, and had accumulated three thousand dollars in the bank in addition to a small college fund in a high interest savings account. This nine year old is doing better financially than I am. The last show I watched was when a guy called in wanting to buy a classic car. I was all for him because I, and I’m not bragging here, own a classic 1999 Mercury Grand Marquis. So I had my fingers crossed that he would be “Approved!” but it was not to be. He had a great income of over a hundred thousand dollars, the required emergency funds in his savings account, mutual funds, stocks, hand written letters from Pope Benedict and President Obama asking he be approved, blah, blah, blah. I just knew he was going to get the stamp of approval from Suze but instead he was also “Denied!” I was shocked until Suze shared a few things he hadn’t mentioned. For one thing his wife, who was an attorney with her own high income, was expecting twins which meant she would be on maternity leave for several months without any money coming in. Suze cheerfully pointed out that not all babies are healthy at birth and should, God forbid, there be any complications it could eat up his savings pretty quickly. But the biggest strike against him was he already had seven other classic cars sitting in his drive-way. I’m surprised Suze didn’t go to his house and slap him.
In addition to Twitter, I get a lot of emails that really shouldn’t be together. For instance, this morning I had emails from Neiman Marcus, Cartier, Nordstrom, Tiffany, Walmart, Kmart, and Dollar Tree. Guess which ones I’m most likely to shop at? I’m surprised the first four emails didn’t refuse to post to my account after seeing the other three emails. I also get emails from Martha Stewart detailing how to make awe inspiring crafts with just a few simple household objects. The last project was how to make an apple stamp on a canvas shopping tote. I think Martha is running out of ‘good things‘ to talk about. I also had a fifty percent off coupon for Zumba lessons. Unfortunately the lessons are in England so I won’t be able to take advantage of their generosity. Also, I’m not sure what a Zumba even is. It sounds dirty to me.
I get all these emails because I frequently dream of being a millionaire while surfing the web. I’ve spent millions of imaginary dollars on the Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus and Tiffany websites. Although I do wonder why Tiffany stamps the phrase, “Please return to Tiffany and Company” on all their jewelry. I would be more impressed if it said something like, “I paid $25,000 for this Tiffany sterling silver heart necklace”. I’ve never spent many imaginary dollars on the Cartier website because they don’t tell you how much their things cost. Instead they ask you to call for pricing. I’m afraid they’ll ask if I have a major credit card and then hang up when I tell them I have a Walmart Money Card with a five dollar balance. We have a Nordstrom in Charlotte but I’ve never shopped there. Mainly because they have valet parking and I don’t trust just anyone with my classic Mercury. I also don’t have anything to wear so I would have to go buy a new outfit somewhere else before I even thought about walking into a Nordstrom. Neiman Marcus is always having a sale on their website which means you can get a fourteen hundred dollar cotton house dress for five hundred dollars today only! I’ll pass but thanks for thinking of me.
Someday I hope to get a real tweet from Ridley Pearson and Stephen King. If it said, “Good job on the writing keep it up!” I would immediately die from complete happiness. I would even be happy if it said, “Hasn’t the world suffered enough? Please quit writing!” because that would mean they had actually read something I wrote. In fact I would probably print these out and insist they be buried with me. Of course I’m sure they’re both too busy writing to even notice me. When I think of famous writers I always imagine them sitting in the clouds at a large mahogany desk, pencil in hand, staring off thoughtfully while sorting through all the wondrous, profound, thoughts going through their brains. Sort of like the way the ancient Egyptians thought about Zeus and Apollo. I’m sure they’re more down to earth than that though. For all I know their desks could be oak.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have some more emails to go through. I’ve just noticed that Dollar Tree has some more solar dancing flowers in stock and I need to make a call to Suze Orman.