This may come as a huge shock to a lot of people that know me but lately I’ve been a little difficult to be around. I know it’s surprising to think that someone as sweet as I am can be difficult, but it’s happened. However, I do have some good reasons for my recent behavior.
It all started in a 5000 watt radio station… Actually that’s not true (true fans of The Mary Tyler Moore Show will understand that first line) but to be honest I don’t know when it started or why. I do know I became aware of it a few weeks ago when a sales person at a store (it rhymes with “Dears”) gave me a hard time when I tried to return a shirt. I had changed debit cards so the one I had used for the purchase was no longer active. However, no matter how hard I tried to explain that to this “person” she continued to insist that my money had to be returned to that card. I asked for the store manager and it turns out she and another cashier standing next to her were both the store managers! I had no idea that store managers worked registers on Sunday afternoons but what do I know? I finally got my twenty dollars back. Yes, twenty whole dollars. When I turned to leave she told me I couldn’t talk anymore until I left the store. She really said that! That’s when my red hair turned redder and I was so mad I had steam coming out of my ears. I did get a nice apology a week later from the real store manager after I wrote the corporate office and complained. Also, not surprisingly, neither one of the women I encountered at the store were store managers. I’m not sure they’re still employed either.
Right after I got over that incident I woke up one morning, turned my coffee pot on (I usually open my housecoat and flash it to turn it on) and it basically gave a loud gasp and died. The only thing scarier than me in the morning is me without caffeine. So off I went to buy a new coffee maker. When I came out of the store I went to start my car and it was dead as a door nail. No matter how hard I turned the key or pumped the gas pedal it refused to start. Yelling at it didn't help either. One nice, older gentleman tried to jumpstart it but that didn’t work either. I called everyone I knew that wasn’t at work and no one answered their home phone or cellphone. Why? I have one daughter that has three phones and she never, ever answers any of them. It absolutely drives me crazy. I finally was able to reach my son-in-law and he took me to my dad’s house so I could borrow what I call “Old Faithful”. Old Faithful is a blue Nissan truck that my father bought brand new in 1986. It’s a five speed, straight drive with no air conditioning, no radio, and no power steering. It always starts and I’ve had to use it more times than I can count. I was able to get my car towed to the shop and then I sat and waited for my dad. I waited for three hours and then gave up and went home. I called him up until two o’clock in the morning and he never answered the phone. Needless to say I was worried sick that someone had kidnapped him and thrown his body in a ditch after they took all his money. I have a vivid imagination. The next morning he finally called me back. I still don’t know where he was but he was whistling when he called me back so maybe it’s better that I don’t. I found out the problem with the car was the starter wires had been destroyed by squirrels after they chewed most of the wires in half. It cost me a hundred dollars so of course this means war. I forgot to mention one little thing. When I was on my way home in the truck I noticed a woman in a little red car behind me and she was so close I could almost see my reflection in her sunglasses. I politely tapped the brake pedal a few times in an attempt to get her to back off but she only got closer. When I got to the road to my house I slowed down and put my right turn signal on about fifty feet before I turned. When I was in the middle of the turn this moron tried to pass me on the right. That’s when I snapped. I levitated off the driver’s seat about six inches, shook my fist at her, told her she was “number one”, and said words that I didn’t even know I knew. I think I scared her because she immediately backed off and turned onto the next road to get away from me. I probably need to go to confession for some of the things I said but I’m still too mad. Besides, how do you tell your priest that you took the Lord’s name in vain twenty-seven times in a thirty-second period? When I told my dad about this the first thing he wanted to know was if the woman had hit his truck. I told him that she hadn’t and I was fine too. Thanks for asking.
After all of this I’ve decided to not take things so seriously anymore. So what if some of the kids that came to my door Halloween were old enough to buy a beer to wash their candy down? Should I be concerned that none of my friends or family knows how to answer a telephone or return a call? Is it really a crime that stores are now playing Christmas music? Actually, I think it is but getting mad isn’t going to stop them. Should I even be worried about the fact that the most stressful time of the year, Christmas, is only seven weeks away? I’ve decided this is one thing I can control. I have three ideas for avoiding Christmas stress. The first one is to just give everyone some money and let them buy their own Christmas gifts. The second is to come down with a bad case of the flu around December fifteenth. The third idea, which is my favorite, is to forget the gifts and buy myself a plane ticket to Jamaica. I’ve been threatening to do this for years so maybe it’s time. Don’t bother calling me either because I will not be answering the phone.
After I wrote this I went back to see if it had posted. Not only did it post, it actually posted five times! Come on Jamaica!