This may come as quite a shock to a lot of you but, I’ve done some stupid things lately.
The first thing I did was to buy a new TV. I didn’t buy just any TV either! I bought a 47” flat screen TV. For years I’ve been telling my family I didn’t care for TV that much and might buy a new one when they started putting better programming on the air. I was perfectly happy with my twenty year old 25” Sylvania that weighed around 350 pounds. It sat happily in the corner of my living room on an old hand me down stand. I had gotten the stand from some male friends several years ago after they redecorated their new house. I’ve told them several times they’re the only gay men I know who have horrible taste in decorating. This stand was a prime example. Then one day, a few weeks ago, I was strolling through the electronics department of a major store and there it was. Its screen was full of bright colors and it seemed to call my name after I walked by it several times. I cracked and brought it home. Of course it wouldn’t fit on the old stand so I had to buy a new one. After I got the TV home and set up on the new table, I noticed the rest of the living room looked a little shabby so I bought a new recliner. Not just any recliner either. This one has heat and massage. The first two massage settings feel wonderful on my back. The third setting makes me feel like I need to go to confession. I call it the ‘OMG who needs a boyfriend’ setting. I don’t use it much. Of course I had to rearrange the living room to accommodate the large TV and new recliner which brought my attention to my shabby rug. So off I went to buy a new rug. I also noticed my living room lamps were looking pretty bad plus they didn’t match so I bought a couple of new lamps too. After everything was in, my living room looked wonderful. Then I walked into the kitchen. I bought a new table and chairs which looked great. The curtains not so much. I have a bay window in my kitchen and was able to find a great deal on some new curtains. The only problem was they didn’t match the color of my walls. I decided to go with a taupe color and after I painted one wall I stood back to admire my work. It looked like I had thrown mud on the wall. So I rethought my paint color choices and settled on a nice blue and white theme which matched my bargain curtains. Later that night I went in my bedroom and couldn’t help but notice how little drawer space I had and how shabby everything was looking in there too. So the next day I bought a new bedroom set which included a new mattress that is so high off the ground I have to use a stepstool to get into bed. I sleep in the middle of the bed because I’m afraid I’ll fall out and break my neck. All of this happened because I bought a new TV which I haven’t even had time to watch. But that’s okay because I bought a new 25” flat screen for the bedroom too.
But this still isn’t the dumbest thing I’ve done. For years I’ve told everyone I don’t do Black Friday shopping and I meant it. However for some reason this year I decided to give it a go and off I went……with a two year old child. Don’t ever do this. Everything was great for the first thirty minutes. Then she got bored. I bought her a teddy bear which she adored for about two minutes. I looked at jeans, pots and pans, and everything else classified as a “Door Buster” item while she screamed. Then I bought her a doll which she really loved. She loved to make it dance while she sang, “Ring Around The Rosie”. This was cute for the first ten minutes. After two hours of hearing this song though it isn’t cute anymore. I still have it stuck in my head. I asked her politely to sing another song which didn’t work. I even told her that particular song was about the plague but she just continued to sing it over and over and over. If you happened to be in a mall around the Charlotte, N.C. area on Black Friday, and saw a toddler sitting in her stroller singing “Ring Around The Rosie” while an older woman pushed her singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” through gritted teeth, that would have been us. Then it was time for lunch. I wanted chicken nuggets. She wanted bourbon chicken with Chinese noodles. She won. I was sort of hoping they hadn’t cooked all the alcohol out of the bourbon chicken but she was still bright and happy after lunch so I guess it’s safe to assume they had. As for the Chinese noodles, do you have any idea how long it takes for a two year old to eat a Chinese noodle when they slurp each one up individually. Plus you have to clap and act surprised after every noodle. I should have ordered the bourbon chicken, hold the chicken. I did learn a few things about her during our shopping trip. She loves to look at clothes and shoes but only if they’re covered in sequins or rhinestones. On the other hand she hates Santa Claus. She’s not crazy about his helpers either. She’s also afraid of nutcrackers and animated Christmas toys. She was intrigued by Rudolph but no matter how hard I tried to correct her she insisted his name was Bambi. Never get into an argument about Rudolph versus Bambi with a two year old. You’ll lose. When I dropped her off at home she was still singing.
Another dumb thing I’ve done is I’ve ordered most of my Christmas presents online. They’ll tell you that online shopping is great! You get the same deals offered in the stores plus you don’t have to fight the crowds or stand in line. What they don’t tell you is they send everything by Pony Express and the ponies are all slow and lame. I’ve been waiting for one item for two weeks. I ordered a few other things and requested ‘Express Shipping’. I’ve been waiting on them for a week. Now I’m just hoping they’ll get here by Christmas or I’m going to be handing out I.O.U’s.
After all the activity during the past two weeks I’ve decided to just sit back and relax today. No shopping, no redecorating, and no two year olds. Just me, a cup of coffee, my new TV, and my new recliner. I may even use the third massage setting.