In case I haven’t mentioned this in the past ten minutes I have a story that will be published in a book called, “Not Your Mother’s Book On….Home Improvement”. Now available for pre-order on Amazon! This book is so good you will want to bear its children. Trust me.
I was a little surprised when my story was selected because, to be honest, I’m not the handiest person in the world. In fact I consider a home improvement project to be successful if I still have all of my original fingers when I’m finished. The thing that has surprised me the most is I’m a shameless self-promoter.
Lately I’ve caught myself having conversations like this one that I had at my neighborhood deli.
Me: “I’d like a half a pound of salami. You know it’s funny but books weigh about a half a pound don’t they? I’ll have to check the book that my story is being published in to see how much it weighs! It’s now available on Amazon!”
Deli Guy: “You want anything else?”
Or how about the one I had at my local library?
Me: “Do you spotlight books from local authors? I’m being published in a book this month and I would love to donate an autographed copy to you! I didn’t have to pay to be published either!”
Library Lady: “That’s good because you still owe $12.00 in overdue book fines.”
Now that my friends and family are screening my phone calls, and generally avoiding me, I’ve given a lot of thought as to what I should look like now that I’m a published writer. I use to think writers were distinguished, serious looking individuals. You almost never see pictures of William Shakespeare or Charles Dickens wearing hoodies and low riding blue jeans. I’m also pretty sure neither of the Bronte sisters had “tramp stamp” tattoos or any other type of tattoo for that matter. In fact in most of their portraits they look like they’re saying, “I’ll be famous after I’m dead and you won’t so there!” So I looked at some modern writers. I mostly looked at modern humor writers since, this may come as a shock to a lot of you, I’m trying to write humor. I started with some of today’s writers like Dave Barry, Gene Weingarten, Gene Shalit, Alan Zweibel, Bill Geist, Carl Hiaasen, and Andy Borowitz. With the exception of Carl Hiaasen, who in my opinion is cute as a button, I began noticing a disturbing trend with the others. To make sure it wasn’t just the writers I was looking at, all of which are my favorites, I looked at some older humor type writers like Samuel Clemens, James Thurber, Wiley Post, and Will Rogers. They also shared a common trait with the newer writers. They all have weird hair. Dave Barry has mentioned his hair in several of his books but I always thought it looked fine. Probably because he and I pretty much have the same haircut. In fact a lot of your humor type people have strange hair. Have you ever looked at Woody Allen’s hair? Andy Rooney’s hair wasn’t too bad but his eyebrows definitely had a mind of their own. I’ll bet if Donald Trump tried hard enough he could write a story that would have you absolutely rolling on the floor. I’ve heard that on the set of The Apprentice he would frequently slip a whoopee cushion onto the chair of the person that was getting ready to be fired. Of course that could just be a nasty rumor that I’m trying to start.
Whenever I have a burning question, or just need to fill some more space on one of my blog posts, I turn to my main focus group also known as the Dave Barry Blogits. (Official motto: Booger!) We’re a group on Facebook that have many commons interests such as reading, writing, humor, correcting public signs that are grammatically incorrect, making fun of people who get “your” and “you’re” mixed up, and the fact that Dave currently has restraining orders against most of us. There are also several published writers in this group. I simply asked them if they thought writers usually had normal hair. One of them, Lars Hedbor, told me that his hair is the epitome of perfection much like the rest of him. I like Lars because he’s always so humble. Several others such as L.K. Peterson, Jamie Bradley, and Amy Dobek wanted to know what I meant by “normal”. Another member, Archie Pendergraft, wanted to know what I meant by “writer”. Sometimes I worry about this group.
I also researched how most modern writers dress. I was happy to see that most of them dress pretty casually. I’m also a casual dresser. In fact the only times I really dress up is when I have to go to a funeral or a wedding. I only dress up for the wedding if I happen to be an important member of the wedding party such as the bride.
Maybe I’m a little too excited about all of this because it’s just one story in a book but I just can’t help myself. For me it’s a dream come true. It’s also given me the courage to go forward and try something a little bigger like maybe two stories in a book! If you buy the book I sincerely hope you enjoy it and it makes your day a little brighter. I also hope that someday one of your big dreams comes true.
Did I mention it’s available now on Amazon?