The baboon exhibit at the suburban zoo near our home consists of a large mound of rocks surrounded by a mix of trees both dead and alive. The trees are assembled at angles so that the baboons can run and climb their lengths for a better view of their surroundings.
Being a social crew, the baboons (part of the monkey family) are sensitive to their surroundings, though perhaps not so alert to danger as they might be in the wild. But baboons need stimulation like any other creature, and life in the zoo does not provide them the same sort of jazz they might get out on the savanna.
Which is perhaps why the baboons at the zoo have evolved a little routine to deliver the excitement otherwise missing from their lives. It works like this.
One or two of the baboons, usually one of the larger, more aggressive monkeys in the bunch, takes a crap on one of the logs nearest the sidewalk leading past the baboon exhibit. Then the baboons wait around until some humans come close enough to be splattered by the crap when the baboons slap their hand on the log, sending the excrement in a slinging spray outside the exhibit toward the sidewalk.
You can imagine the reaction this elicits from any humans walking past. They scream or recoil in horror, which really makes the baboons happy. The entire group responds in kind, laughing, we must suppose, with those maniacal voices. They romp around the exhibit a while, chasing and slapping each other on the back in that baboon way, showing their red butts to the world.
The baboons have it all figured out, you see. In a case of reverse evolution, they have figured out how to get back at the supposedly smarter apes by spattering them with crap.
Oh, how allegorical our fellow primates can be at times.
Heading into a November 4th election where the crap has flown like always in a series of debates and heavily funded advertising campaigns driven to extremes by fear of Citizens United money, the election has become a crapfest for at least one side of the electorate.
Starting with statements such as "we will not be controlled by fact checkers," this campaign has amounted to so much crap on a log. Every new revelation of untruth has been like a baboon slapping their hand on that pile of crap to make people across the country scatter while some scream. The baboons secretly laugh at the insanity of it. Because people just can't seem to see past the crap to the fact that the baboons have it all figured out. Just keep slapping the crap out of people with enough lies and they can no longer discern the truth at all.
They even begin to Like it, as it were, signing up on social media to submit to more crap from the political baboons who know that still more unsuspecting political buffoons will walk by, when the game starts all over again.
The zookeepers of America, those formerly unsuspecting passersby, are now "in on the game" with the crap-mongering baboons. They stand back and wait for new political victims to walk past, then holler with joy and derision as the baboons splatter another political opponent with crap. These single-issue crap slappers like to think their crap is way more important than all the other crap people like to worry about. In fact, most people can't seem to think about more than one type of crap at a time.
"How stupid can they be?" the already crap-splattered participants now cry. "Don't those people know anything about the game?"
There's even a 24/7 news channel devoted to the crap-splattering crowd. Fox News no longer pretends to cover real news like it purports to do. Their sole objective is the keep the crap coming. Pile it up on the log so the talking baboons who sit in the commentary seats can slap their hands on any issue they choose and splatter viewers, who clap their hands in delight, crowing, "The crap game is marvelous. Bring on the crap!"
The apes have it all figured out you see. Roger Ailes and company know that what people really want is to be in on the game. They don't really care if they get crap all over themselves if they feel like they are on the winning side. And so they partner up with the baboons and buffoons of Fox News, along with the king baboon, Rush Limbaugh, and his baboon minions Sean Hannity and the rest of those turd flingers.
Yes, the baboons have it all figured out. And if Mitt Romney wins, we can expect a really crappy country as a result. Because the apes will have been vindicated. And the people will lose.