From my journal:
June 23, 1998 (25 yrs old)
I talked to Walt about being a prophet and feeling that I’m not bipolar and that sometimes I think he’s making it up, and drugging me to keep me from achieving my purpose. Basically I just told him the truth. He said this is part of my illness and that I’m delusional. That I need to take Zyprexa tonight and raise my Lamictal. I told him I feel I’m not a normal person, that I’m not exactly human. It was an interesting conversation. He hasn’t convinced me that I’m delusional. I might be right. I might be a fucking prophet and/or visionary.
I can’t believe he used the phrase, “It’s part of your illness.”
This is the sort of thing that terrifies me now. The idea that I might have a breakthrough manic episode, meaning my medication loses its effectiveness and I cycle up into mania. I can’t imagine speaking to Jason about having a special mission, or special powers – like invincibility. For years I truly believed I couldn’t die. I couldn’t be killed. I actually considered getting a tattoo that said “Invincible.”
It’s so awful for someone you care about, in the case above it was Walt, to tell you that you’re delusional and it’s part of your illness. It feels horrible. But in the moment it’s a shock because you think they’re lying. I struggled at times, because I was able to keep myself together enough to retain trust in Walt, even when I thought he was wrong.
Delusions of grandeur can feel great in some ways, because you suddenly have an incredible purpose in life, and you feel so special. So honored to be the person (or maybe even not really human!) who gets to carry out the mission. However, these delusions can also be stressful. Especially if you have a job. There were times when I cried at my desk while working in tech support because I wasn’t using my time properly. It felt like every moment in that cubicle was a moment I was losing for the cause. Usually, I couldn't be clear about what the cause was exactly. It usually dealt with huge, overarching issues, like solving the world’s hunger problem. Or curing cancer.
I often wrote when I was delusional. Mainly in my journal, but also plays. Some of it was decent, but it’s hard to do quality work when you’re psychotic.