My husband and I had to move to Houston when our son was 4 weeks old, and my c-section incision was open and infected, because of his job. I was not on my medication for bipolar disorder and was continuing to pump breast milk. But I was beginning to have thoughts of harming myself. Good thing I had my best friend to write to.
June 22, 2006 – To Heather
Jack is finally napping a bit and I have a moment to write more about what's been going on with my crazy brain. I just can't believe how quickly I have deteriorated with this depression. It's amazing. All week, by the afternoon I am just crying - sobbing at times - and have literally had times where I'm feeding Jack or changing him and tears are dripping on him. It seems like I am okay in the mornings and that I get progressively worse as the day goes on.
Of course, if Jason came home from work at 5, like he used to in Denver (or earlier, or if he even went at all) then it would probably be okay. I would know that I just needed to hold on a little longer. but that isn't happening. And no matter how much I tried to make it clear that he needed to do something about it, he seemed reluctant to make the change at work. Which I TOTALLY understand. I mean, who wants to have to ask for more favors at work - especially because their wife is just a fucking basket case. I can see why he waited. But last night he just had to see the big picture. I was like, what is your work gonna do when I end up in the fucking hospital?? Do you want to take that chance with someone who has been on disability for 10 years and has been in the hospital like, 10 times?? I don't think it's a good idea.
At one point, he was like - you need to just snap out of this. Which actually was cool because it made me laugh a little. He realized that it was foolish to say that. I mean, he's been so wonderful and supportive, but it's getting harder for him too. Since we've been here he comes home from work after 12 hours like a zombie, for a couple hours before bed, and he no longer has the patience and time for Jack. It's just unbearable for me to see his horrible tiredness. I can't say enough about how angry I am that his company made us come here, and it makes me want to break things, or throw things - that is how pissed I am right now just thinking about it.
I understand that there's little we can do now without completely destroying his career at TeleTech. I obviously don't want that to happen. But something has got to give. What we're trying today is that Jason is going to come home for a couple hours during the day, around lunch time. Then he'll go back to work and come home earlier than he has been. And tonight we'll go out to dinner. So today has great possibility. But to be honest, I'll believe it when I see it. And if he doesn't come through with some of it - at least coming home during the day, or coming home at a decent hour tonight, then I am just going to lose it.
He keeps saying - if only you could get a friend to come here and help... which, of course means you! Because what other person fits that description? But, come on! You have a life! I just don't understand why he and I didn't see this coming. This was a huge mistake (coming to Houston). He said that the other night - that he should've just stayed in his old position. Which I completely agree with. I would rather have our Denver life back with $20,000 less a year than this shitty fucking life in Houston with the extra money.
Okay, I have gone on pretty long here! But I wanted to get it out. I am just at the end of what I can stand. I try sooo hard all day long to be a good mommy, but I can't help but feel it won't be long before I can't deal with it anymore. And what will happen then? Will I just let Jack cry and cry? I don't even want to go there.