Sometimes the weight of pointlessly blogging to an indeterminate number of universally good-hearted and appealing readers becomes too great a burden to bear.
I know, that’s like complaining of back pains from hoisting too many balloons.
Alas, it is true.
Topical, blog-worthy news stories are simply crashing about us every moment of the 24-hour news cycle.
Should I write about politics? Pop culture? Religion? International intrigue?
Geez, that seems like a lot of work. Still, these issues must be addressed and in a timely manner.
So today I’m going to give my most thoughtful opinion on each of the main issues facing the country in a colossal opinion-fest not for the faint of heart.
And because that seems such a daunting feat of scattergun pop punditry, there’s only one way to tackle it: with one word answers.
What’s to be thought of a blogger who attempts something so bold?
Death penalty? Abolish
Don’t ask/Don’t tell? Repeal
President Obama? Dogged
Congressional Democrats? Spineless
Congressional Republicans? Hapless
Sarah Palin? Electrifying
Christine O’Donnell? Moronic
My attempts to appear politically even-handed? Futile
Aging rocker Steven Tyler hosting American Idol? Disgraceful
Jon Stewart? Genius
Stephen Colbert? Ditto
Glenn Beck? Fad
Rush Limbaugh? Relapse
Best one-word title movie you’ve seen since “Jaws?” "Zombieland"
Super Bowl winner? Steelers
Stanley Cup winner? Penguins
My hometown Pittsburgh sports devotions? Transparent
How am I feeling today? Great!
Does God exist? Yes
Does He care? Sporadically
Favorite Three Dog Night song? One
How do you say “one” in Spanish? Uno
What should we do about global warming? Panic
What will you rely on to get through these tough times? Bourbon
What is all you need? Love!
Once more, with feeling? Love!!!
What band inspired those last three questions? Beatles
What percentage of your readers understands that last series of questions is drawn from the song, “All You Need is Love” and that their answers should be joyfully sung? Eight-five
Stones or Beatles? Stones
Mick or Keith? Keith
Ginger or Maryann? Wife
What are you planning on doing after finishing this little exercise? Post
How many of your readers do you think have stuck around this far? Bunches
Is this even working? Perhaps
What are you listening to while you’re typing this? Boss
Care to be more specific? Bruce
Which album? Greetings
What’s your favorite song from that album? Blinded
Chances we’ll see Mideast peace in your life time? Remote
Worth pursuing? Absolutely
What would you do if Iran develops a nuclear reactor? Bomb
Will it come to that? Nope
What should white people do about news that, unless trends reverse, they’re likely to be minorities in one generation? Copulate
What if that fails to prevent eventual minority status? Relax
Should they build that pseudo-mosque two blocks from Ground Zero? Yes
Even if makes Tea Party come unhinged? Especially
How can you support such an inflammatory position? Constitution
Do you care that Lindsay Lohan seems bent on self-annihilation? Some
If you were her judge, what sentence would you impose? Iowa
What’s your opinion on legalizing marijuana? Whoop-de-doo
What do you advise for people for whom partisan politics is an all-consuming pursuit? Marijuana
What do you call GOP men like Ken Mehlmen? He was the Bush 2004 campaign manager who used gay-bashing as a wedge issue, then in August announced -- ta! da! -- he is gay. Slomosexual
What are you looking forward to most as the weather turns colder? Soup
Does your new “stats” feature continue to show that, second to the USA, the majority of your readers come from Denmark? Yes
How do you feel about that? Fremragende!
You’ve now answered more than 50 questions about various issues, from the serious to the silly. Could you go on? Yes
Will you go on? No
What are your thoughts about this format? How would you characterize it -- and please be concise? Done
Causes Chris Rodell Supports
Democratic National Committee, UNICEF, Doctors without Borders, Sierra Club, Smile Train, Salvation Army