I never played pretend bride as a child. I prefered dressing up as people from foriegn cultures, gypsies, witches and costumes that held an underlying joke. I was not one of those girls who cast themselves as celebrity actresses, cute animals, always with a bit of longing that I wasn't like that. I believe a lot can be revealed about ourselves by the costumes we choose. My first real life's brides dress was a beige and had seashell buttons. We got married by the judge and my former spouse's parents accompanied us. It was all a bit anticlimatic. My second marriage I wore a feminine style light pink linen suit from a low cost store in the Marais in Paris. My husband a yellow shirt. Looking back my favorite colors together as a child pink and yellow. We went to a used jewlery store nearby and bought our rings both under 30 euro. We like our rings because of finding them in the Marais. I have always had this desire to replace the slim glass bead with a piece of turquoise. I believe it is noteworthy that my first reaction to my wedding ring was that I could visualize it in 30 years.
At 20 we don't really know the issues, not yet althought they exist. At 40 we are more familiar with our issues that have guided us like an unforgiving lighthouse most of our lives. The goal I believe is to hold our pain while hopefully making better decisions and not act out as much. Also in marriage we come with so much of our culture and personal history. Then, with a 50% divorce rate in first marriages and a 70% in second marriages in the USA. It is an social contract that has a lot of failure. I keep thinking that society has to come up with other ways for communities to raise children in loving environments or pass on inheritance to future generations. My hope is that instead of stressing marriage that the future is protecting children so they can get educations and starts in life. To be honest I think trying to keep people together is futile for a variety of reasons. My thought is that the future will be less rigid about marriage and that all children born are garenteed certain rights for education and inheritance under the second or subsequent marriages or if the parents never married in the first place.
How to recognize the issues we bring to a marriage depends on the person. Today is my and my husband's six year wedding anniversary. We met when I was 39 and he was 45. We married when I was 40 and he was 46. We married on April 2nd, 2005 in France. I turned 41 the following day. Our son was born the following year in May when I was 42. He is great. Today we celebrated with a wonderful lunch of salad and turkey wrapped in bacon. We carefully put the vegetable peels in our son's little white compost pail with a cover because at their school they compost. The start school at 3 in France. We were happy and as a treat for my son we bought him raspberries and I tasted one and not as good as straight from the vine but had the trace of the flavor of my childhood. At my great grandmother's house we could experience a few freshly grown raspberries.
So, people come to marriages with issues, married to issues that in fact that will be like a secret dancing partner. Some people have experienced the loss of a parent or perhaps little affection, A lot of family life seems to be taught. So sometimes people do not even understand how to behave in a family. They work or hang onto hobbies. Not understanding how to take the kids to activities or have a meal together. I am appreciative of my husband as he is a loving partner and great father. He has two young adult children from his first marriage. I was really grateful that he and his ex-wife had time to duke it out and they were long divorced over 6 years before we met. It makes things less complicated. As a result of his experience he is a helpful partner and brushes our sons teeth, walks with him each evening and spend countless hours talking to him. I definately feel we are a family. I still believe marriage is a viable social construct, just not the only important relationship and that there are other ways to have community and protect the next generation.