Boy, did I love him. He was over six feet tall, beautiful black cherry skin, muscular and extremely handsome. I truly loved him. Our life together was destined to be perfect. A loyal soldier in Uncle’s Sam’s army and an office manager at an Elementary School, there was nothing impeding our imminent joy and bright future. At least not until the fighting began.
The first argument was the beginning to the end. His voice wailed form across the living room and the huge all-in-one Flex Workout center, located in the middle of the floor. The shouting was so loud, I thought the neighbors would surely call the Authorities. Before the door slammed, he took his gym bag and threw it completely across the room, slamming it into the wall and beautifully framed Magnolia portrait. The portrait’s glass shattered across the floor and so did my heart.
Astonished and bewildered at his actions, I watched as anger consumed me. “Have you lost your mind”, were the only words I could muster. My husband stared at me with a look of repulsion and immediately left our home. In hindsight, I should have said goodbye then. But, because I adored him, love wouldn’t let me leave.
The next episode was violent. It started in a Pontiac Gran Am en route to Walmart. The radio crooned one of my favorite ballads and its harmonies were pleasing. Unfortunately, he didn’t enjoy the rhythm and turned the radio station just to annoy me. While driving, I reached over and turned it back. A foolish game of tit for tat commenced and we began hitting each other’s hand to command the authority to change the station. Out of the blue, the fist of his right hand made direct contact with the right side of my face, causing immediate distress.
In my mind, days elapsed in just a few seconds. Reflexes forced retaliation. Lack of forethought and a stinging sensation in my jaw turned the steering wheel and I aimed our vehicle toward a huge Weeping Willow tree. If accomplished, the mission to wreck our car on the passenger side where he was sitting would provide revenge. Luckily, he realized my intention and exited the vehicle before final impact. Turning the car around, the thought of home quickly entered my mind and by the time I arrived, he was already there.
Over the next year many events forced my final decision to leave. The fights, although sporadic, grew more violent. Months of physical Army field training allowed a temporary “safe haven” from the abuse. But when he returned home the fighting would resume. My cerebrum contemplated an escape. It imagined a normal life, free form the verbal and physical abuse which tormented me during my Marriage. I wanted to be a perfect wife and have a perfect family, but my reality was far from perfect.
Finally, I reached the limit of my contention. The ceiling of my contempt had been penetrated. This marriage lacked love and needed to end. Reaching inside my soul, I found inner strength and love for myself. My Creator had a purpose for my creation and intended a different life. My external blessings could be as wonderful as I allowed if I only used this strength to change my current situation.
When it’s time to say Goodbye, every single part of your body knows it. Heart, soul, mind and body seek balance and serenity. The pain of unrequited love is severe enough to allow frustration to linger. The frustration of sorrowful encounters consumes positive energy remembering the anguish encountered, welcoming negative thoughts. Idle minds adhere to the tempting thoughts and subconsciously deliver subliminal messages of revenge.
Thoughts of revenge entered my cerebrum but more importantly, change was necessary. Without change, my mind contemplated ugly, hateful strategies of retaliation, altering my well-being. The physical and emotional violence was creating a person inside of me that was repulsive. This person unnerved me and was in contrast to the person I strived to be. Joyous happy occasions were my inner desires. White beaches and tropical sunsets were my premarital dreams but not my reality. The love I endured for my spouse could not hurt, harm, defame or destroy. Happiness is what I desired for him, whether husband or ex-husband. Regardless of the battles and personal desire to be the stronger opponent, I never wished him harm…even in battles where self-defense was extremely important.
Sometimes, saying good-bye is inevitable. Whatever personal pleasure desired, peace of mind, quiet, serenity, adoration, adulation…the ability to improve SELF, under all circumstances is detrimental. Let your soul research and define the exact moment to “let go”. That ETA (estimated time of arrival) can only be determined by the heart, laden with the burden of deciding: Labor of Love, Love, or just plain ole’ Burden. Then you will know: When it’s time to say good-bye….it’s time.