[Because I enjoy my weekly dose of "Shouts & Murmurs" in The New Yorker, here is my feeble attempt to mimic such wit:]
January 2, 2012
Mr. Ferris MacDougall
Chief Technology Officer
934786 Kongens Gade
Dear Mr. MacDougall:
Ninety-six hours and two emptied Cherry Kiafa bottles later, I am still writhing in horror at the farcical presentation you gave at our 2011 fourth quarter management retreat on St. John. Particularly and personally appalling is that you ignored both our scrupulously rehearsed program and every established corporate protocol. You saw fit to unilaterally dismiss the calypso combo during the icebreaker just as my beloved Beatrice was at her nadir beneath the limbo pole, causing her to tip forward and moon the front audience rows. To abruptly commandeer the spotlight at such a pivotal moment of victorious clearance is an unforgivable affront to me, her, my executive leadership team as well as the guffawing Westin Hotel wait staff who caught an eyeful of Beatrice's behind. The humiliation left my dear wife so distraught that she sent our Gulfstream 450 back to Teterboro to pick up her former undershirt-Milan-model-turned-New York-therapist Emiliangelo for a daylong, closed door meditation session here in Cruz Bay.
Your onstage appearance along with your insubordinate countrymen Alastair Hamilton and Sean McGregor in kilts, knee-high socks, and waistcoats is reprehensible. I concede you all had the decency to don bow ties and dress woolens. Your rubber-soled footwear selections, however, were dreadful but quite in keeping with what I understand are the norms of nerd apparel.
I refuse to permit you or any other computer wunderkind to equate the vital demands of your management peers with the color-coded pins you juggled throughout your presentation. Surely, your technology staff of 25 can find efficient ways to utilize the one hour each day we grant your department to fulfill family and personal obligations. Fielding requests 23/7 from your 15,000 Danskegen colleagues in the executive, operations, finance, marketing, sales, purchasing, research, and engineering departments in five time zones trump all else. Our laptops, desktops, mobile devices, hardware, and software systems are entirely dependent on the responsiveness of your team. I am confident that competent, compliant, and shamelessly subservient I.T. personnel exist elsewhere in the worldwide corporate-sphere to replace your indolent lot.
Neither Chief of Human Capital (CHC) Frederik Schultebrand nor I was amused by your highland hi-jinks.
Therefore, I must insist that you, Hamilton, and McGregor surrender your company credit cards, temporary work visas, and computer security clearances immediately. You are to return to your bonny Scotland by whatever means you choose at your own expense. Please consider your Danskegen tenure to be summarily over.
Chief Executive Officer
© Copyright 2012 Carmen Ambrosio
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