I have not written here quite literally in years. I have been writing elsehwere and over in elsehwere my "fans" expect poetry of the yogic nature or complex thinking about my profession in my group blog. And I have been thinking lately that I just need to write. I need to write about whatever is on my mind and see where it goes from there.
I just got back from vacation with my beuatiful little family. My girls are growing up so fast, they are now 5 and 7 years old and where does the time go? I am in a tenure track position and I often question what I am doing there, why I am conforming, except that I am not really conforming and that gets me into "trouble" as it were as we try to take an innovative approach to educating. People do not get what we are doing and perhaps this scares them on some level. I have been in therapy for this because it leads to my anxiety, but after so many years, I am finally getting to the point of "screw it" and doing just what I need to do. If we or I fail, then so be it. At least I tried.
And speaking of failing, I recently decided I wanted to get out of my profession altogether and just start writing. Unfortunately that decision did not come with a winning lottery ticket, so instead of quitting aformenetioned tenure track position, I applied for entry into an MFA creative writing program. I really thought I wrote an okay application, but my piece de la resistance was my story I submitted. I think it is really great, but apparently they did not. So this school that is perfect for me, within spitting distance of my current residence, and ranked in the top ten schools of creative writing MFA low residency programs in the USA rejected me. I also would have qualified for tuition paid for by my school since they are in the same university system. Ugh! Oh, but they did invite me to their annual writers conference! For a small fee! Ugh!
Now I have had to ponder, why get an MFA? What is my driving force here? I have a PhD in humanities and could probably teach non-fiction writing for publication as I have a solid dozen or so publications in recent print. I realize I really want to be in the student role again. I want to be in a community of a learners and take on a new process of which I know little about. I want to create and fascinate and let the spirit move through me in new ways. I want to transform and touch others through the power of writing. I want to meet new people who are smart and creative and dedicated. I want to walk away from my current stress and enter a new kind of stress.I want to be at home, i am a homebody by nature. I want to make my own schedule.
When I was working on my PhD some years, my advisor asked me gently where I wanted to be in five or ten years, what did I envision myself doing. He was the perfect advisor for me by the way; tough when I needed it, gentle and caring when I needed it, kind and funny, someone I could have drink with and cry in front of.
So I envisioned myself living in the country somehwere, on top of a mountain. A couple of kids running around, being a writer. WhileI do write for publication, I live in in a beautiful setting on a river (not on a mountain), I still have this day job and that was not part of the vision. I want that vision to come alive.
Here is my intention. I am setting it right now for the whole wide world to see. I still want the country house, I still want to watch my kids running around, growing up, being there for them. But I want to be a writer; nay I think I may ven want to try and make a living of being a writer. And a presenter. on topics like struggling with self care and mediation and how to become a writer. How to find your passion and live it. How to let go of clinging to what should be and accepting what is, right here and now.