If any of you caught The Colbert Report last night, you definitely did not see an interview with me about my chapbook, Charactered Pieces: stories. I had been sweating the non-interview for weeks, well-aware of how Stephen Colbert treats his guests (victims?). Claiming fairness and balance, his questions instead aim to further weave his delusional and increasingly erratic conservative narrative. For this reason, I felt an appearance, though in my head entirely, would serve his ego well. I brought it, sir, if I do say so myself.
Below is an unofficial Official Colbert Report Transcript from our interview.
Stephen Colbert: Let me get right to it. Though I disagree with your incorrect political views, I commend you for this praise of consumerism that is Charactered Pieces. People love sex, and the first story, the title story, is all about selling sex. Plus, you’ve incorporated a strangely phallic deformity. It’s like an erotic circus.
Caleb J Ross: It seems like Freud was right, huh?
SC: That hippy! How can a man disagree with the gay lifestyle choice and still see so many penises?
CJR: A lot of people like him.
SC: You’re getting off topic.
Staying with consumerism, I do have to wag the ol’ finger for one important reason. The price, sir. SIX DOLLARS. With that price, how can you ever expect to live the American Dream, to own a solid-veal private jet with a full-time staff to swat away the flies? You’re a Socialist, sir!
CJR: I simply want people to read the book.
SC: And potentially deplete the TV viewing audience! I take that as a personal affront.
CJR: It’s a short book. People can read it during interviews with liberals like me.
SC: Apology accepted. Now, prepare to get nailed yet again. Your story, “Refill,” is about a devoted corporate employee relying upon antidepressants to be happy. Two issues: one, being part of our free market economy should make one happy enough. And two, you missed a perfect product placement opportunity (Colbert reaches under desk, pulls out medicine bottle and places in-camera). Vaxaloft. Side effects include maggot gums, spontaneous brachial fetus implantation, and throat anus.
Why didn’t you call Prescott Pharmaceuticals? They could have hooked you up.
CJR: And you, I’m guessing.
SC: I do love capitalism as much as the next authentic American, true.
CJR: “Refill” is about the cycle of depression more than it is about any happiness gained from a prescription drug.
SC: Don’t sell your hippy diatribe on me, Mr. Ross. (Colbert swallows two Vaxaloft pills). Something I suddenly feel so indifferent to about your book is the story, “An Optimist is the Human Personification of Spring.” Why? For the pictures. All those words need to be broken up.
CJR: Those pictures are scanned fortune cookie fortunes. They are mostly words.
SC: In bed (laughs). Where can liberal media worshiping book lovers pick up Charactered Pieces?
SC: That’s enough. Caleb J Ross, thank you for being here. Caleb J. Ross’s Charactered Pieces: stories. Available now.
CJR: But I didn't get to tell people where to buy it.
SC: Just hyperlink your words.