that's a good picture. not only does it show him happy, but if you look in his hand and notice the blow torch, it also shows him with his favorite fireworks lighting instrument.
dad the engineer. dad the dad. dad my dad, a little, or in the eyes of some, a lot, on the crazy side. freakishly smart and a pain in the ass, but we loved each other. i loved my hand in his.
2 birthdays later and i wonder how long do i note it? he would have been 69 this year, on the 5th of december. it's not significant, but it's significant that we'll have seen this second birthday come and go since he left. soon, 11 days before, god willing, inshallah, i graduate with my phd, it will be 2 years since he left.
that's a long time? i think so. it's also been disturbingly short. the first 14 months or so after 24 april 2010 i was in shock. i lost, i believe, a total of 18 months to this dissertation process. 14 months or so after he left i started to have those moments - OH! I NEED TO TELL DAD!. shit. i can't. they haven't stopped. i've already told a committee member - when i can get my rear in gear and finish this god awful dissertation writing - that i'm likely to cry during or after the defense because of dad. because i can't tell him the deed is done. finally.
i know, everyone goes through it. or goes through something similar when someone particularly close leaves. i know these thoughts are so far from original that they are practically, or most likely, or yeah, cliche. the thing is, this is my loss. i don't care that i'm repeating these thoughts. i'm choosing to be selfish, repetitive, and cliche.
this spring the water was high here in logan. i'd go for a walk along the logan river and i could hear the water roaring down the dam. dad would have loved it. loved it. loved it. he would have looked at the dam and talked about running it (he wouldn't, he would have just imagined). we would have dissected the not-going-to-happen run together. so, i'd stop and take pictures for him.
i'd take pictures so he could see it. i know, irrational, but grief causes strange things to happen in a sort of rational mind, at least in this sort of rational mind. so, these are for you dad. first, the dam, second dam, this spring. can you see the run? you can't see it in this photo, but on river left there's a break in the weir at the bottom.
and this, less exciting, but in my opinion, far more beautiful. it's at hyrum dam dad. paddling up the river in my stubby, i got out and took photos. can you believe i took it with my fruity phone? i should actually print it and frame it. not that i think my photographs are ever particularly stunning, but this one, kinda blew me away.
oh and one last one. that quote "if there is magic on this planet it is contained in water" by eisley.. i took this one to try to capture that.. it doesn't do it justice.. maybe the one above does that quote more justice.. let me know what you think if you get a chance. love you.