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Out with the Old and in with the New - Part 2
bibliomaniac
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Here I sit on Christmas Eve 2009 - alone for the 15th year in a row - oh don't be sad for me....I'm not sad. This is the best time for me to sit and reflect back on the past year and see what went wrong and what went right. Actually this year I have to admit that more went right than wrong and I can't really remember when that ever happened before (or at least not in the past 15 years anyway).

I discovered I still have the capability to have a crush on a man...and to be crushed by a man -- somethings don't change with age --- that is sad. Perhaps one of these days I'll get that one right.

I discovered that I raised three amazingly wonderful children - even though they still need their mother - and my mother seems to think I still do too much for them. Again, some things don't change with age - I still can't please my mother - that also is sad.

I discovered that my best friend is not really who I thought she was and she no longer wants to have anything to do with me - and will not explain herself - that too is sad.

I discovered that my dog truly is my best friend and I no longer have to make excuses for taking her with me, sharing my bed with her, or telling her all my secrets - that is NOT sad.

I discovered that I can move out of a big house into a small house and be perfectly happy. I can move into a town where I know no one, don't have a clue where the grocery store, post office, bank or auto repair shop is and I can manage very well, thank you very much!

I discovered that putting out the 4th novel is much easier than putting out the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd.

But I think the best lesson I learned for myself this year is the same lesson I have been teaching my children for the past twenty one years: and that is that in the end everything really will work itself out, and that money cannot buy happiness, or serenity and that is something you have to find for yourself. So maybe it took me fifty years to find it - maybe the next fifty years will be a little bit easier. But if they're not, that's okay. I can handle it!

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Everything really will works itself out.

Dear Brenda,

I think that being alone raising children is the tallest order that you have successfully worked out beautifully. You deserve a medal of the highest honor. And by the way, things are not always what they sometimes seem to be with having a partner:-)

I thought you might enjoy this:

http://www.redroom.com/blog/cath4608/vow-emotional-independence

Thank you very much for your story. I truly enjoyed it.

Truly,
Catherine Nagle

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Unbelievable

Brenda Youngerman
Catherine
Thank you so much for that link and your kind words. What I am truly having a hard time wrapping my head around at this precise moment however is how every time we connect - and that does seem infrequent - we seem to be insynch.

I actually wrote a blog on my own website entitled God and did not publish it here for fear of reprisal (kind of scary don't you think?) I'm pasting it below for your eyes only.

God
December 15th, 2009

Odd how it seems that people always turn to God when they have no answers. How is that ’someone’ they cannot see or cannot touch has the answers to everything? I read a blog from someone today about how their child still was bitter about a divorce that occured twenty years ago and they quote the scripture to their child. Again, they quoted “God’s word” Why can’t we use our own words to say that we married the wrong person, or that we simply fell out of love, or better yet, we made a mistake and followed a rainbow and instead of finding a pot of gold, it was a bucket of lead? How naive of us to blame everything or every mistake on God. When do ‘we’ take ownership of our mistakes?

Did God cause this recession? Did God create depression? Are we fighting in the name of God or for God? I guess that depends whose side you’re on, doesn’t it. But then again, there are plenty of people out there that are praying to a different God and whose God is right? I made a REALLY big mistake of voicing my opinion a year ago by telling someone I didn’t believe in God. I have a hard time believing in God, when I was told that my Grandfather, who was an ultra religious Jew was never going to get to heaven because he was a Jew. I thought back on all the histories of the American Indians, and their beliefs and the Jews and their beliefs and the other beliefs and I could not logically understand how all of them could be wrong and only ONE religion could be right. If there really was only one God, how did that work? And it was at that point in time that I stopped believing. No one God could possibly manifest himself (or herself) to make it such that all the previous religions were wrong and only the religion du jour was correct. Perhaps ‘religion’ itself is God and we are all put here to try and figure out the right way to treat each other, and it really is not so much about using ‘God’ as a crutch, but looking inward and doing the right thing.