Here's some fun. I dug out some old critiques from a creative writing course I took a long, long time ago, a year or so before I quit writing. This was at the height of my over-styled and wildly-wrought routine. Rough eviscerations. Some things have changed. My use of language has been tempered. Same old slicing and dicing pretty much occurs now, however. Enjoy!
First of all, add dialog! Way too much prose. The story is buried under the prose. You worked hard on this, judging by all the details. Work on voicing the thoughts of the characters. I am not very fond of this type of story. It is confusing, "sloppy", and way too dark. When I say sloppy, I mean it is, um, way too stream-of-conscious. That's all I can really say. I couldn't get a good grasp of the characters through all the mumbo-jumbo. There is an immediacy to it. You overwhelm the reader with your poetic prose.
This is not the type of story I am used to reading. While it begins with an interesting scene, by the end of the fourth paragraph (which lasted a page and a half!) I was completely lost. That paragraph made absolutely no sense to me. It was filled with run-ons and incomplete sentences, as well as words that don't exist or were either misspelled or misused. I advise using a thesaurus and/or a dictionary while you work. It helps me!
Overall, I feel you should work on basic cohesiveness and try not to infuse too much of your personal rhetoric. You can't write a cohesive sentence. I urge you to take welding or something more appropriate for your skill level.
Because of all the difficult language, I found it very difficult to comprehend the meaning + plot of your story. I got lost at your references to Father(God) or Master(Father). I didn't understand why ya all despised + tortured butterflies. I just don't have an extremely creative imagination perhaps. Great job with ideas. You have potential to write horror stories as well as occult non-fiction stories. I sometimes wonder if your stories are based on real life experiences or do you totally create them in your mind? You sort of remind of Stephen King. I'll leave it at that.
This is either the most ridiculously obvious attempt at dislocating a reader's attempts to read or just plain silliness. The author should be hailed for the invention of language and spanked for using it. I gave up, early on, looking up words to gain understanding. Reading this was beyond frustration of illiteracy. I'm not. I wasn't. I may be now. If this was to pull emotion, it grabbed it and ran. My emotions raged from confusion to anger to frustration to what's-the-point? I'd critique the use of language if I understood it. I used a Webster's 1977 dictionary, a 1954 Thorndike-Barnhart dictionary, a Merriam Webster 1989 thesaurus and a Roget's 1965 thesaurus. All proved worthless. I am, however, amazed that eventually I understood some things, thoughts, phrases, I think. It sort of seeped in. My mind was filled with imagery after reading the story. This author has incredible talent, but I'm not sure what it is. This piece was revolting, explicit, sickening, unnecessary. I'm angry at having been expected to read it for a grade. I'm embarrassed for not understanding it. I'm impressed by it. Sick, sad, uncomfortable.
I couldn't read this story because the author never capitalized God.
I didn't like to hear about "perky tits" or "steaming urine" or how many times your character masturbated. With future stories, this author would do well to leave the eroticism at home.
This story was a maze of thoughts, a tarantula of thoughts. There's no advice I could possibly give this author.
This story rumbled and flowed. Images assaulted my mind. The author's rhythm was impeccable. I'm worked up over this and the words. The words are amazing.
I didn't like this story. The language, while very believable, was hard to follow. I'm not sure what the purpose of the story was. I think the style would lend itself better to poetry or a TV script.
And later the critiquer wrote me another letter, saying this:
In the crit, I said I didn't like the story, but didn't state precisely why. I found the story disturbing because my senses were accosted by the myriad of unpleasant images with such an intensity that I did not want to continue reading.
This was painful. You lost me in the meandering drivel on the second page. You have a good grasp of language. You use big words, but you use them carelessly. You lose the audience. Okay, I get it now. I understand your message. It is really dark, but really good. Your description is unbelievable.
I bet you aced the English portion of the SAT, but I never want to read anything you write ever again. I'm sorry, but I had problems sleeping after reading this. You made me feel stupid and I cried but I didn't know why I was crying.
Expiry, scrying, augury, sluicing, bealu, haruspex, agenesic, inwit, ignicolist, laccin, fops, illapse. I don't understand any of it. It reminded me of the movie 12 Monkeys, but that movie had Brad Pitt in it. Too bad the story didn't.
Alas, I often get many of the same reactions today. I love that last one though. Funny.