You say you are lying, but if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth, but you cannot tell the truth because you always lie... illogical! Illogical! Please explain! You are human; only humans can explain! Illogical!
-Norman the Android from the
Star Trek episode I, Mudd
It's the craze that's sweeping the nation: The Fake Memoirs. Everybody's writing them. Everybody's publishing them. The defenders of this new reportage point to all of the roman à clefs that have been written over the years without realizing that those were all published as novels.
See here's my problem: everything in Beer, Blood and Cornmealy happened. I fought the Poontangler and slugged it out with the Sasquatch. I had the corn tortillas hurled at me by drunks. James Hetfield did yell "Kill the fags" at me while El Homo Loco pummeled my nuts. It's all true, making my book barely deserving of the name memoir in today's crazy mixed up publishing world. There are even 32 color pages in the book giving viability to every depraved word of it. People still stop me on the street to ask me when I'm wrestling again even though I haven't worked with Incredibly Strange Wrestling since 2003 - and that was in Europe. Count Dante retired to write his memoirs, damn it!
So what is the truthful writer to do? It's time for the fake fake memoir. A memoir that is all true but is exposed to be a hoax, only the hoaxing is in fact the hoax, not the memoir. I can have my sister call the Chronicle and tell them that I never wrestled and am really spent those years earning my MBA from Stanford. Sure, It's pretty confusing, but I think that our current literary world is ready for the next level of shamming.
But then I come back to the burden of proof meaning that I am burdened with proof. Too many people saw me. Too many people know me. I'm not sometimes played by different people at public appearances. The faking of the fake memoir will never work with me but you're welcomed to try. As George P. Cosmatos, the great director of Tombstone once said, "All of the mustaches and lightening are real."