What Would You Say
By Bernadette A. Moyer
Earlier this week one of my readers wrote to me, she asked “What would you say?” She has experienced her share of grief and estrangement. She has been estranged from family members.
What would I say to the people that are no longer in my life?
For a few days I thought about it and for the most part, I have said it all and whatever I couldn’t and didn’t have the opportunity to express to that person, I said it to God. I gave it up to God.
I have peace, whatever situation I have found myself in, I found a way to make peace with it. It wasn’t always easy but it was healthy. Letting go and giving it up is so freeing. People do what they do for themselves, if they don’t want to hear you that is about them.
My first choice was and is to confront it, say what needs to be said, try and understand. Allow the other party their voice too. Agree to disagree.
There was not one thing I could have EVER said to my mother in our decades of estrangement, it didn’t matter if she lived another 10, 20 or 30 years. She didn’t want to know or hear that her husband was a child molester. I could never pretend otherwise just for the sake of a relationship with her. That man, her husband destroyed lives, he stole from children. He was wrong and she was wrong to support and defend him. I did what I had to do, I did what I believed was right. I removed myself and my family from a known sexual abuser. I wanted to avoid any possibility of more abuse and of other victims.
Any adult relationships I had with former friends and boyfriends I have made peace with either directly with them face-to-face or through the written word. It’s not that some things aren’t forgivable, all is forgiven, it just that the trust is completely broken. Trust once broken takes a lot of work to be restored and often that work isn’t even attempted and therefore, those relationships can never be restored.
It is easy to forgive someone when they are genuinely sorry, harder to forgive those that can’t accept their role in whatever the issues were. Yet forgiveness is what we do for ourselves. Anger keeps you connected in negative ways and it doesn’t allow us to move ahead in our life.
Most often my relationships end in peace; I make the effort to achieve peace. My peace is not determined by anyone else but by me, and me alone. I do it for myself and I do it because I know that it is God’s will.
It has been said that forgiveness is “letting go of how you thought it should be” I thought my mother should see things my way, she wouldn’t and she couldn’t. I accept it and I have forgiven her. People that hang on to their anger, need to be right, it is more important for them to have their ego at the expense of having peace. I don’t have to be right, I know what I know and I let go of that which is completely outside my control.
In order for my mother to believe me, she would have had to change her life. She was never going to do that. If someone doesn’t allow you to be heard, doesn’t allow your voice and your position to be stated, that is about them and their self-preservation. It isn’t about you.
I believe it is important for all of us to make our peace. If we can’t because another party won’t allow it, write it out, share it with a friend, a counselor and then give it up to God.
Often it is important to be heard, but when you hit a wall, and someone doesn’t want to hear you, you must go over, go under, go around but don’t quit. There are other ways to be heard and other ways to come to peace.
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you.” MATTHEW 7:7
Do not allow yourself to be a prisoner of anyone who isn’t evolved enough to make peace with you. If you do you have given them control over your heart and your health.
“I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” JOHN 14:17