The Only Way Out of It Is Through It
By Bernadette A. Moyer
This blog is dedicated to all those that are grieving, whether it is from the loss of a child, a parent, a friend or a significant other. The only way out of it, is through it. Grief is something that we all experience with loss. They say the greatest lesson learned comes from the final lesson, death.
We all have people that we loved, people that are now gone from our life. They passed on or they moved on, either way there is a void that they have left behind.
For my friends who are suffering a lost child, that hole in your heart will always be there, the space that was once occupied by that child never fills up. Same can be said for those of us that have lost a parent or other loved ones. We can love other children though and love other parental figures, and other friends that help us to heal. They help to fill the void and show us that we can and will love again.
Grief is a tricky thing, while in it, we so often, can’t see past it. In my early 20’s I read all of Helen Kubler Ross on Death & Dying. I surrounded myself with books like, How to Survive the Loss of a Love written by a few PH.D’s. I loved Women and the Blues, Passions that Hurt, Passions that Heal. Being widowed at 23 was a huge lesson. Losing a child years later could have destroyed me and having a mother deny me could have been the final nail in my coffin, but only, if I allowed it.
The gifts from loss were numerous, the biggest take away, celebrate the here and the now, be thankful for all the people now in your life and give thanks for all of it. Our days here are numbered. My greatest regret; comes from the times when I allowed myself to get lost in my grief. There was a period when it was at the expense of not being there for those that remained in my life. Specifically for not always being there and present for my husband Brian, who I absolutely love and adore.
I cried for more than a decade over someone. Truth is no one is worth that amount of tears or that amount of grief. Simply put, life is too short. All those lost days can never be recovered, they are lost for good. The people that stood by me, in my grief, had me, yet I was less than who I could have been and who I am. The only way out of our grief is to come through it. Some people seem to rebound faster. Every one grieves in his or her own way, space and time and at their own pace.
I am part of a support group where there is so much fresh pain. The loss is so new for them. I wish I could take all their hurts away, I wish I could say, “Get over it.” But no one could have told me to just “get over it.” Our losses don’t go away but in time, they do become easier to manage and easier to live with. I can’t take back my decade of tears but what I can do is share what I might do differently. If anything, I’d get over it sooner. When I was stuck in my grief, I wasn’t able to love fully. What a loss.
Getting stuck happens yet I know that God wants us all to be happy and to love and to be loved. Death can be the greatest lesson of all. It is supposed to teach us that we shouldn’t take anything or anyone for granted. Death and loss are supposed to teach us that life is for the living, live it!
I am wishing peace and much love to all who are suffering a loss, those who are grieving over a child or a parent or a friend. Once you get past the grief, it can be just like Spring with a fresh new beginning complete with signs of new life.
My losses didn’t teach me to love less, they taught me to love more and to love deeper and with greater respect and even more passion.