Fear can be a great motivator. But, when one lacks
courage to walk through the fear, the boogieman
eventually gains enough power to
paralyze its victims.
Having been in the healing field for so many years, I cannot even begin to count the number of times I heard well-meaning folks say that shitty old expression, “fear is a lack of faith.” Shoot, that expression used to remind my of me dear old irish nana that used to tell me I was going to hell for speaking poorly or something or other. The comment in itself is a gotcha kind of expression. My idea of God is bigger than that. He is not a gotcha god.
I mean if God created us all in His own image, perfect (then the Fool (sorry Big Guy) separated the sexes and we haven’t recovered from that poor choice (again, sorry Big Guy) since… had a shit ton of fun, wonder and awe trying to reconnect… but that is another post for another blog all together). If we are all perfect just the way we are, why do so many of us want to make so many of us feel inadequate with all our god-given instincts? I am sorry. My God doesn’t roll that way. To me it limits Him and His creation.
Like I said a few days ago. In every lie there is a truth. I believe on the end of an extreme fear can be a lack of faith… yet folks throw it around out of context from the scripture’s message/lessons. I mean, shit, Christ experienced fear. Are those folks trying to tell me Christ (whether the real messiah or not) lacked Faith? I wish I could lack Faith like that guy. No. He took that fear and made it positive. He drew His circle in the sand. He prayed in the garden. He fought in the temples… the list is almost endless of what He did with his fear… how he turned it around… how He used it to guild Him… how fear was the vary fabric that bonded him and solidified and strengthened His relationship with the Father.
Fear is natural. Fear is a God-given instinct. Fear can be a positive thing. And like all things, I can use it to my advantage and own it or, as I wrote in Courage of Fear, I can let it be my handicap and own me. Like ALL things it is my choice. In my life fear is the built-in warning sign “danger Will Robertson, danger!”
Now maybe I am just full of crap and my nana was right. I am going to hell. I think not, but that’s okay if you think so. Maybe I feel this way because I am an artist and like most artist types I enjoy the exhilaration of the edge. Who knows?
What I do know is way too many humans automatically go to the negative in all things. I don’t know why this is. But it is. I just choose not to… or try to choose not to. For me it is kind of like that expression “either God is or He is not”… “He is Everything or He is Nothing.” There is not middle of the rode for me. If I want to say that fear is a bad/negative thing, in my mind I am saying maybe God is not, maybe He is nothing. Just doesn’t fly for me.
Fear is a way for me to be more.
It is just that simple.
… when beginning my journey of writing I was indeed exhilarated with fear. Those wonderful, beautiful, little butterflies in my belly that come about due to the fear, was a sign I was on to something for me, and indeed, maybe for you too. They were sensual… sometimes they make me lose my breath (I think some folks see those as anxiety attacks–and of course folks want folks to see those as negative–yet to me those are events that says, hey this is important to me… they are a good thing… just breath and rejoice in the fear of truth) Like Jenny, I am sure, with her new life adventures, we welcomed the fear and felt peace with its offering. We walked through it… made it to the next wonderful fearful new experience and began again.
The blog I wrote a few days ago, the decision to sit and write Courage of Fear began my life, without me knowing at the time, in a different direction. And one, I am fearful to admit, I am still a bit in flux with. As I have discussed in prior blogs I have been feeling for some time a strong sense of change. . . wanting a different life than the one I have had for so many years. In that blog a few days ago seeing that sentence, feeling those feelings about blending and wondering what that feels like, brought home some inner thoughts unknown to me.
Let’s see? As I have stated in past blogs I have had many many years of a life of service. I was the go-to gal. I was like Martha in many ways in Courage of Fear. It made things click for me for many years… I mean it gave meaning to my life… it made sense of the senseless youth. I was here for you… who ever you were.
Yet unknown to me just before writing Courage I began to see what a toll that was taking on my life. I mean really more than anything in the world I want to love unconditionally… and more importantly I do not want to be made to feel guilty or dirty for doing so. I guess it is what made me an effective counselor. It just seemed to be the Universe was crossing my path with more and more of folks who talked about wanting the same things… yet did they really? More and more relationships were appearing to be about “what’s in it for me?” “What does this look like to the outer world?”… and it was no ones fault but my own. It was who I was. Could I bring to myself the same things I gave to others for so many years?… just being?
For once, before I die, I would like to be one of those folks that can go unnoticed in the crowd. I would like to blend. Is that possible? I would like to know what that is like. I suppose, unknowing to me at the time, it is why I chose to be a screenwriter (someone behind the scenes). Was it that the Creator was preparing me for my future desires for myself?
As I have stated in past blogs I had recently made some drastic changes in my life. As a result, some old friends have left. Which I think is completely understandable. Yet others seem to want to keep trying to pull me back… although I try nicely to change the subject or divert, pull they do… thinking they know what is best for me… and maybe that is so…
…but the butterflies… oh those wonderful, beautiful butterflies, tell me I must continue to stand my ground, stay steadfast in my current direction of self-love and continue to try to trudge toward blending.
More on this tomorrow.
Have a grand day all. Peace.