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Misplaced Anger

I am beginning to realize just how much unspent anger I have inside of me. For years I was angry with God. Angry because I believed the lies I was told by the Catholic Church, that because I was gay I was destined for a life of loneliness, evil and desperation. And that if I acted on my desire, not only would I  be condemned to hell for eternity, i would be punished in this life. I grew up believing that I was evil and deserving of punishment. And i bought into that so completely that every bad thing that has ever happened to me was a sign that I was being punished. Events such as losing: three uncles, two aunts, three cousins, multiple friends, my godfather; being diagnosed with Chron's disease, my father's stroke, my nervous breakdown, my diagnosis with bi-polar disorder, all of these things were signs that God was not happy with me and my choice to live my life openly and honestly as a gay person. All these years I was angry at a God that would create me this way and then punish me for it. Over the last year i have spent grieving truly for the first time, and recognizing that my anger was misdirected. My anger should be directed at the Catholic Church and its teachings, the men that said these things do not have any more of a connection to God than I do. And they are fallible. And so now this anger is coming forth, spewing out of me, this venom. I never allowed myself to feel the anger although it was always right below the surface, because if i became angry with God it would just lead to more punishment, and frankly I have been punishing myself quite well without God's assistance. It was only when i hit bottom, and lost complete control of my own mind, that I realized I had only one person left to turn to and that was God. And what i discovered is that God is not a punishing God, but a loving God who loves me as he does all his children. Once i realized this, its like the dam broke and all of my emotions came forward, all of this loss and loneliness came forth. And I realized that because I had bought into the things I had been taught as a child, I had gotten exactly what they said I would: a life of loneliness and desperation. And then I broke completely after having a car accident last month. And then I was finally silent, silent enough to hear God's voice, telling me how wrong I had been and that he loved me. And now I can finally let go of all this baggage I have carried around with me all these years. It is so ironic that someone who was and still is to some extent a gay activist, would still be carrying around all this guilt and shame over being gay. Here I was waving the rainbow flag, and yet deep inside me there was this rage and anger over the fact that I was gay. I would come home and cry over the pain inside of me and then get up and go out and wave the flag again and again. So here I am almost a year after my breakdown, and only now can I say that my being gay had nothing to do with the bad things in my life, bad things happen to everyone, I am not that special. I can finally open myself up and hear God, and learn how to love again. God has given me wings and I fully intend to fly. No more will I allow my baggage to interfere not only with my relationship with God but with my  relationship to all people. The Catholic Church does not speak for God, nor are the priests the only ones with a divine relationship with God, but all people are God's children, and all of us can have a relationship with him. But the secret is in the silences, the moments of solitude and surrender. I hit bottom and went down on my knees and I cried and I screamed and I prayed and I demanded and then finally i just sat still and listened. I allowed God to carry me through the rough patches of the last few months. He is finally releasing me but this does not mean he is leaving me, for he flies with me always. He is my one true friend and he has smiled on me. I am blessed to be alive and will never allow anyone to take my peace and joy away from me, no one will affect me negatively again, for I see the truth of my being and it is good and connected to everyone and everything around me. And I will stand in this truth regardless of what life throws at me. With God by my side, there is no way that anything can ever happen that I can not handle. Today I rest with God.

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I like your courage

thank you for sharing so honestly.If you are on facebook,go to the "progressive Christian Alliance" There is room for everybody there,regardless of race,creed,age or sexial; orientation.
Good luck!