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Bi Polar Disorder

I can not imagine what it must be like to live with someone who is bi polar, but I know what its like to live inside the mind of someone with bipolar disorder, its like living inside a three ring circus,under the big top, a swirling mass of different images and visions, some of which are real others that are created through "majic". Its like having all these different people and animals and freaks of nature and tricks inside your head, and somedays its hard to tell who is in control. Clarity is a rare but very welcome commodity when your bi polar. My brain never quite shuts down, and I can only say that my life is interesting and never boring, and so atleast i add some variety to my partner's life, he never knows who he is going to wake up next to in the morning. As tired as he gets of my accusations and my crazy antics and my neverending needs, he must get something from my instability. Least i can see his pay off is that he gets to be the martyr and I the victim he is saving. And thus he gets the recognition that He has stuck by someone not quite right in the head. And i get to be the horrible psycho destroying his life. Well we all have our roles to play. I have become all too comfortable in playing the role of the psycho and the victim, its all so easy for me to switch between the two, as the psycho its so easy to pick at him until i get the desired response:RAGE, as the victim I play the tears card and he gets to play my saviour and comfort me while i fall apart. So invested in our roles that neither of us seem to be able to extricate ourselves from this tragic relationship, that can only end in some form of trajic result. Either the end of us or the end of me or the end of him, there can be no happy ending to this mess. I see only more of the same for us. And yet "i luv him" and I can not give up my dependency on him and his reactions to my lines... if only there were a master of ceremonies inside this little circus of mine, then perhaps relief could come, perhaps the curtain could fall and I could be the me i was once upon a time when sanity was mine, before the family curse reared its ugly head.... if only. And yet it lends itself to  much creativity and the visions will lend themselves to future works quite nicely. Today I am clear but tommorrow, who knows I might even accuse YOU of trying to kill me... So do i give up the madness and creativity in order to be a "so called normal person" or do i learn how to reside in this circus and be the master so that i can focus my pain and my euphoria into a work of staggering genuis? Or will i just end up a jumble of my own visions and thoughts, which could destroy any semblance I have left of being sane? For today i choose to use my experiences to put into words how I feel, tommorrow is anyone's guess.

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MD disease and genetics


You wonder what it would be like to live with someone suffering with MD disease (bipolar disease). That suggests you haven't been married. Bisexuals and straights must be made aware that MD disease is passed genetically from generation to generation as a dominant gene. Statistically, half the biological children of a person suffering with MD disease will inherit it. Perhaps science has now found a gene site for it that can be screened for and filtered out of human gametes or zygotes. But if not, then sufferers of that disease should be fully cognizant of the odds that they will pass on to their children.

You describe the hell you are suffering with it. Half of your biological children would probably suffer likewise. Even if you do not lie with women, you might still help by apprising your friends with MD disease of this risk.

NB: There are medications that are quite helpful in allaying the symptoms of your disease!

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Have a partner


I have a partner who is living with me, I am the one with bi polar disorder or manic depression. He is supposedly "normal". MD runs in my family and a number of my family members have it. I suspect that my father who was an alcoholic, may suffer from it but its a manageable state for him. I think my family is more than aware it can be passed on. And personally if I found out one of my children in utero had the gene for it, I would not do anything to change their genetic makeup, i feel that being MD has enriched my life in ways that if I had been normal would not have been possible, especially my ability to write. Not to mention how incredible and beautiful the world becomes when you are in a euphoric state (when your not having the anger and crazy choices that go along with it). Now if they had the gene for cystic fibrosis or celiac disease, or heart disease (all of which run in my family) that would be a different story). And if they were going to be gay then that gene would NOT be changed. I am on medication and am hopeful that i will stabilize at some point, in the meantime my doctor continues to change my meds until we find a combo that works to address my psychosis.

Thanks for the informaton and comment it is appreciated.


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Woe is me

I know bipolar all too well and have been talking about it all the time online and off. What I learned is to stop talking about it. Recognize the ride as a series of moments of habits. I made a list when I am on the way down and a list when I am on the way up. There is no list for the middle normal state, but it is boring. And boring is boring.

On Medications: they will destroy you in the end so don't use them and develop WILL POWER. Will yourself to optimum health and set yourself free. Otherwise you will live a life of woe is me and its that very attitude that will set people off running away from you. Arguments will prevail. And at the end of the day you will feel the ultimate pain of guilt.

The only way I know to keep going and ride the big kahuna is not to give bipolar any attention. So those lists should be cleared of all the habits you don't like and replace them one by one with the ones you like and can live with.

That is the work you have to do.

Here's my list:

1. When I am down or depressed I sleep.

2. When I am up, way up I move.

3. Exercise everyday and make that your no.1 priority. Any kind of exercise. Get out in nature and use the trees for pull ups. Use the trails for hiking. Use the rocks for climbing over. The operative word is play. Play like you did as as a child.

4. Stay away from the doctors. They only know how to relieve the symptoms.

5. Don't read any books or give any attention to anyone who gives you advice that sounds like conformity.

6. Live to play and play to heal yourself.

7. Never use bipolar as an excuse. That is a tricky habit to break. It is really enforcing woe is me.

8. Listen to your thoughts. Control Alt Delete all the ones that reinforce woe is me.