If on the First Day of Christmas I get a Partridge in a Pear Tree, and on the Second Day of Christmas I can expect Two Turtle Doves and another Partridge in a Pear Tree, then by the evening of the Twelfth Day of Christmas I should expect to own the following:
12 PARTRIDGES AND 12 PEAR TREES
(I’ve always wanted an orchard, so 12 pear trees would be a lovely start. But could we skip the fowl, please? Not a big fan.)
22 TURTLE DOVES
(Who named these birds? Linnaeus? Was he high on something? I know this species is a symbol for love and peace, but pairing the word ‘turtle’ with ‘dove’ brings to mind a flesh-eating Chernobylesque mutant reptile with wings… *Shudder* The image makes me feel neither loved nor particularly peaceful.)
30 FRENCH HENS
(Does this refer to fowl or old western European broads?)
36 CALLING BIRDS
(More birds? I now have 100 birds in my back yard and I’m spending all day collecting guano. Didn’t I already mention on the First Day of Christmas that I’m not a fan of birds? Or am I being punished for feigning a headache the other night?)
40 GOLDEN RINGS
(Gold, not golden. Gold was priced at $1,387.00/oz yesterday, so yes, please! Definitely not feigning a headache tonight!)
42 GEESE A-LAYING
(What’s up with all the birds? I thought we settled this!)
42 SWANS A-SWIMMING
(Here we go with the birds again! Will my true love also provide me with a pond for them to go a-swimming, because it’ll be extremely crowded in the birdbath.)
40 MAIDS A-MILKING
(Here I’m hoping that my true love also provides the cows.)
36 LADIES DANCING
(I’ll put them in the basement, provide them with poles and charge my male neighbors admission.)
30 LORDS A-LEAPING
(I would really enjoy seeing that. Actually, just seeing ONE lord a-leaping would be a treat.)
22 PIPERS PIPING
(Please define ‘piping’. Engineering, musical or sartorial?)
12 DRUMMERS DRUMMING
It turned out that the Pipers Piping were musicians, and got in sync with the Drummers Drumming. The Lords started a-leaping on the front lawn with the Ladies a-pole dancing to the tunes of piping and drumming.
Constant piping and drumming made the Geese stop a-laying and started a-goose-stepping up and down the drive way.
The Calling Birds called all their friends and invited them to the party in my front yard.
Since my true love hadn’t provided the Swans a-swimming with a pond, they stopped a-swimming in the kiddie pool and joined in the goose-step.
The French Hens turned out to be a bunch of hags. They picked all my pears, and tried to force-feed them to the Geese a-parading. The mutant Turtle Doves didn’t take kindly to this and served the French Hens with garlic sauce and a Pear relish.
The piping, drumming, a-leaping and a-dancing made the Maids stop a-milking. They stole my Golden Rings and got into a Jerry Springeresque fight with the Ladies a-dancing over the Lords a-leaping.
And during all this the Partridges sat in their Pear Trees.
On the morning of the thirteenth day of Christmas I found a sign in the front yard which read ‘For sale by neighbor’.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Causes Anne Harper Supports
Doctors without Borders. SPCA. American Cancer Society.