We returned to Sedona on Friday. Grandma Decker died Saturday (yesterday). Jerry is attending the funeral alone. I don’t want to go, frankly. I didn’t love her and I can’t imagine myself acting so phony at the visitation and funeral. Also, I wanted to take the motor home. There was no reason not to and every reason not to drive in the Jeep Commander. I truly am afraid of bed bugs. The type of accomodations we would stay in, with our sweet dog, Leroy, are fleabag motels. Seriously, it is a major issue in Salina and the rest of the country, for that matter.
Plus. I couldn’t take another moment with my step-daughter-in-law, Paula, either. She was so rude to me recently when we visited them in Texas. I choose not to be around her. So I stayed here.
Also, I am so resentful toward Jerry. I am so glad that he went without me. I just can’t tiptoe on eggshells for (yet) another week. And to be so confined in a little Jeep with Leroy on my lap and then the motels, plus it is just too close for comfort, with Jerry. Seriously. Like my dad said, it would be a most miserable trip for me. And, that it was better if I stay here.
I am venting my feelings on paper and I must say that it is an incredible tool for letting go of things. Maybe I should let go of Jerry. Our life together is miserable. Truly, for me, it is. I’m fifty years old and no longer go anywhere or do anything. All we have done for about a year is to visit Jerry’s mother. When we are home, in Sedona, we don’t go to dinner or the movies or events or anything resembling that. Jerry didn’t even go to (my most precious son) Brandon’s concerts. What an ASS !!!
Things need to change in my life. I want to go places and do things. This isn’t what I planned for myself. Sitting in my home in Sedona and slowly dying......
Freedom. This is what I am feeling right now. I called Jerry's sister, Ginny, and brought her up to speed because I do love Ginny. The rest of them can mind their own bee's wax. Now, we (me and Leroy the dog...kitty is already there) are going to my room to do a reading. I have the a/c on and don’t have to hide it! WOW!!! No yelling. Quiet. I am not dealing with someone else's emotions either.
Yikes! Funerals. Husbands. Step-children. Nope. Can’t handle it right now. So glad I stayed in Sedona. And, guess what? I found my Mastercard that Jerry took away and hid from me. I am more than fine!