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TheFurFiles - 6/3/11
Smart, sassy, strangely seductive - it's relationship advice for the love challenged!

Article first published as TheFurFiles - Felicitous Factoids, Musical Mephistopheles, Crazy Canadians on Technorati.

Madame Floretta "Fern" De Villiers, a.k.a. "Amanda Fox" is an author or erotic fiction and commentary.  This is her weekly advice column.

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Dear Fern.

I read somewhere that the people of Brazil have sex for the longest amount of time and that the people of Thailand have it for the shortest.  Did you know these facts?

Sincerely,

An Excess Of Information In Edinburgh

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Dear AEOIIE,

Well, aren’t you just a wealth of what’s what.  How would you like to be my assistant?  And no, I didn’t know those things to be honest, but I do have a few bits of data that YOU might enjoy.  Did you know that…

Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an average of three times a night, every night, until they are in their thirties, when the weekly average then drops to a mere fourteen.  (Don’t we all wish!)

According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.  (Dibbs on the big one.)

According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular flavor of edible underwear. Chocolate is the least popular.  (I’d like to try chili flavor with a hint of lime.)

Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal. (I don’t know what to say about this other than it must have something to do with them hanging upside down all the time.)

"Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals. (I’d try anything once but no red ants.)

The female bedbug has no sexual opening. To get around this dilemma, the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the female.  (I think I’ve dated the human version of the male and I often pretend to be the female – I get it harder that way.)

In Medieval France, cheating wives were made to chase chickens through town NAKED.  (Or you could just run around the town chasing chickens naked for the heck of it.   I know I’ve done that once or twice.)

Thanks to CollegeCandy.com, Area51NewMexico.com and the LilithGallery.com for these felicitous factoids because occasionally I have to look stuff up.

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Dear Fern,

Do you think Lady Gaga is the antichrist?  And why has she become such a huge superstar?  Her lyrics, her outfits, her overall message – everything is so overtly sexual that I find her very offensive, over-the-top scandalous, and licentiously amoral.  She has been sent to earth by the devil, I’m sure of it.  Why couldn’t she be more like Scotty McCreery?  He’s a good person if I ever saw one.   

Sincerely,

There’s No Smut In Country Music

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Dear I Love Kelly Pickler,

For once, somebody’s not pointing the finger at me and I thank the Lord above for that.  I also think that by asking this question, you’ve really answered yourself.  It is the fact that Lady Gaga could possibly BE the antichrist that makes her so popular.  It is the whole bad boy/bad girl attractiveness thing that she has going for her, kind of like why so many forty-year-old women are in love with Robert Pattinson and why Ashley on “The Bachelorette” is going to get her heart stomped on next week by Bentley. 

There’s no fun in being “good”.  Like how many times have you heard someone say, “Wow, I had such a fantastic time crocheting those doilies for the end tables in my library,” or, “I’ll remember that night matching socks for the rest of my life!”   Sure, you might reminisce over the time you saved a baby bird from being eaten by a German Shepherd, but that is not typical.

No, it’s all about sin and sex and raunchy relations and “dancing around in a one-piece white latex bodysuit and matching six-inch platform heels” and “making love on a balcony overlooking the ocean in a white satin corset and not much else while a line of strangers takes pictures” and “riding on the back of a Harley dressed like a gypsy queen on your way to biker orgy” and “frolicking about in a tiny bikini” and “having lots of tattoos” and “kanoodling with skeletons” and did I mention orgies? 

Now since Lady Gaga seems to have the lockdown on all of the above, it’s no wonder so many people are totally in LOVE with her.  So forget about Scotty – after about one hour, he’s bound to get pretty boring.

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Dear Fern,

I know you’ve probably heard this question a million times before, but why are Canadians so crazy?  First it was “Weird Al” Yankovic – Canadian idiot – then it was Atom Egoyan and David Cronenberg (have you SEEN their movies?), then it was Crazy Larry out in Banff – the guy who plays road hockey while wearing rubber gloves and a balloon hat – and then it was Michael Buble. Yeah, Michael Buble.  Now it’s the parents of baby Storm.  Don’t you think this “I just want my kid to live a free/genderless/dumbass/bordering on child abuse” way of life will screw the kid up but good?  I mean come on, “it” already has a freakin’ weird name.­­

Sincerely,

John David William Matthew Smith, proud conservative

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Dear John,

Whew, I was just out polishing my snowmobile.  And I know, all this summer-time fun up here in Canada has been eating away at my work obligations – like answering stunningly astute questions such as yours – but I do want to thank you.  See, I’m glad I heard the wailing siren (sort of resembles a high security prison “someone’s escaping” horn) that my computer makes every time a new question comes through on my email server.  I was beginning to turn into a icicle out there under my parka and tuque because (like most Canadians) I am not smart enough to know when frostbite is beginning to set in, possibly because I’ve had it so many darn times. 

Seriously though, couldn’t you have asked a simpler question, like whether or not I thought Lady Gaga was the antichrist?   That would’ve been a much easier one to answer. 

As for baby Storm, I don’t think life will be easy, but hey, who ever said that life was SUPPOSED to be easy?  Like sheesh, my girlfriend’s great aunt’s cat just died and my neighbour’s snow blower just STOPPED working the other day, right in the middle of a fifty-inch plow out.  Certainly we all suffer, but somebody’s gotta be the one to push the envelope from time to time otherwise we’d all still be living in caves wearing white powdered wigs and driving around in carriages in our acid wash jeans. 

With regard to being Canadian, I’ll have you know that we aren’t the only ones in the world who are crazy.  Did you see Princess Beatrice’s “toilet seat” hat at the Royal Wedding?  (It just sold for $131 000 on Ebay, BTW.)  And I know that she’s British and that Canada is eternally linked to the monarchy so it’s almost as if we are mother and child, but make no mistake, we can still sleep with each other and it is in no way considered incest – me and Richard Armitage. 

And as I am sure you can tell from reading my column, I am ALL FOR experimenting with human sexuality and gender roles – more with human sexuality and different ways of having/acquiring hot, steamy sex, but whatever.  In fact, I take part in a few studies of my own on a regular basis.  As we speak, I’m involved with the “how can I be married and STILL (hands-on) enjoy the shirtless crew of construction workers who are toiling day in/day out at a location very close to my house” study.  And I also participate in the “best places to boink your boss” investigation, but that one is rather dull.  I don’t really have a boss, which means I only get to observe.  Thus, I might replace it with the “best ways to use duct tape and chains during sex” workshop. 

Also, so what if the kid’s name is Storm and his brothers’ names are Kio and Jazz?   I named my gerbil “Blade” because he had really sharp teeth at the front and I named my iPod “Chaz” (which he told me he didn’t like, saying that it was too much of a “flowery” name and that he would have preferred “Gunner” instead because it represented a tougher persona) but too bad for him.  He’s only a collection (however precise) of metal, plastic, liquid crystals, printed circuit boards, wires and stuff, and I liked “Chaz” better.  It sounded more musical. 

All I can say is that I’m grateful people continue to do things that other people think are crazy.  It gives me something to write about.  It puts food on my table.   It buys my Jimmy Choos.  And I was a fan – a BIG fan – of Marlo Thomas’s after-school special “Free To Be… You And Me” so there you go. 

Speaking of after-school specials, when I was a kid, I had the hugest crush on Ike Eisenmann, the actor who played “Duffy Moon” in one of television’s greatest shows ever broadcast – “The Amazing Cosmic Awareness of Duffy Moon.”  I wanted to kiss Duffy so bad and I thought that if I sat in my garage and repeated his mantra one hundred thousand times, that he would magically appear and want to be my boyfriend.  So from the prickly seat of a green and brown woven lawn chair, I muttered in a breathy “I’m trying my best to be a sexy nine-year-old” voice, “You can do it, Duffy Moon.  You can do it, Duffy Moon.  You can do it, Duffy Moon.  You can do it, Duffy Moon…”  I’m sure you get the picture.  What happened, you ask?  Nothing.  No Duffy Moon.  No kissing.  The twelve-year-old twin boys from next door did come over however to tell me that they’d buy me a Popsicle if I showed them my underwear.  “Throw in a bag of ketchup chips and it’s a deal,” I said. 

Besides, as quoted from the movie Undercover Black Man – “Just because a girl has a healthy sexual appetite, doesn’t mean she can’t do her job.”  Same thing with gender.  Just because you don’t know if a person is a boy or a girl, doesn’t mean that they come from a crazy family.

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Dear Fern,

I read that Brad and Angelina tell their kids that they are “going off to kiss”.  What’s next?  Are they going to tell them that they are going off to “$%#@”?  How much do children really need to know anyway?

Sincerely,

Kirk In Kagvik Creek

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Dear Kirk,

Well, I usually post a sign on my bedroom door that says, “Enter at your own risk.  Parents fornicating.”  Of course, my kids all know what this means and they usually stay out, but my housekeeper is Spanish and the first time the sign went up, she didn’t recognize the word “fornicating”, so she walked in on my husband and Tatiana and I.  It’s a good thing Maria’s so cute. 

Buzz words – 100% whole grain, gluten free, low fat.  But READ the nutrition label on the back.  Just because it says all that, doesn’t meant the food is good for you.