Article first published as TheFurFiles - Pets On Parade, Royal Ramblings, Doing It In The Dark on Technorati.

Madame Floretta "Fern" De Villiers, a.k.a. "Amanda Fox" is an author or erotic fiction and commentary.  This is her weekly advice column.

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Dear Fern,

Since you like sex AND you like animals, maybe you can help me with this problem.   See, I caught my dog trying to have sex with my cat this morning so I videotaped it with my iPhone.  I am now debating whether or not to put the movie on Youtube.  I figure that since it is not the standard “cat on cat” or “dog on dog” or “animal species on same animal species” footage that it is sure to get lots of hits. 

What do you think?

Sincerely,

Owner Of One Horny Dog And One Fairly Pathetic And Submissive Cat

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Dear Owner,

You know how some people lay out naked on tables at parties covered in food that the guests get to eat?  Well, I dated this guy once – a real artsy fartsy type – who wanted me to do that for his sister’s wedding but with one small twist.  Yes, he wanted me to be the “living sushi platter” but then, once all the food was gone, he also wanted me to join him in entertaining the guests with an after dinner “show”, if you get my meaning.  Of course, I agreed.  You only live once, right?  So I laid out in my birthday suit on this big table in the middle of La Mirage’s grand ballroom all oiled and covered with rice and fish just waiting for people to dive into their dinner, which they did.   

Once everyone had finished eating– and they ate EVERYTHING, I might add – Julian stood and tapped his crystal wine glass.  “Attention. Attention please.  If you would all kindly gather around, I have a surprise for my dearest sister in honor of her splendiferous nuptials.”  Standing on a chair, he proceeded to take off his tuxedo AND his undergarments – including his shiny silver thong – and then he mounted me right there on the table for everyone to see.

Now, I’ll admit, it was a bit awkward at first, especially with his mother having her little “panic attack” and his uncle shouting things like, “Stop that this instant you sleazebags, you whorish louts.  I’ve always said that you were the black sheep of the family, Julian.”  But as we got more and more into it, it turned into one of the most intensely erotic experiences of my life.  OK, so what I did was slightly raunchier than just being a living sushi platter, but in my opinion naked is naked.  Big deal if few of Julian and my body parts happened to come together in front of four hundred people?

But here’s the thing.  Having all those people watch Julian and I make love was something we consented to.  And as you SHOULD know, you can’t just go around videotaping people (or in your case, animals) having sex and then doing whatever you want with the film.  You’d have to get their permission first and how would that go?  Are you gonna say, “Buddy, can I put this videotape of you boning Fluffy on the Internet?”  And then when Buddy replies, “Ruff,” how will you know what that means? 

Sure, sex can be a fun, fabulous, and freeing endeavour, but it is also a very private exploit (for almost everyone except Peaches Geldof), and videotaping it and putting it on the internet without your cat and dog’s permission is just not right.   Maybe part of their enjoyment of the act is the sense of intimacy that it creates?   You wouldn’t want to screw that up, now would you?

Besides, how would you like it if someone invaded YOUR privacy?  How would you like it if someone sent out an email to all of your friends, colleagues and acquaintances stating that you enjoy visiting Lady Svetlana on a regular basis?

How would you like it if late one evening while you were walking to the subway with your pants pulled high up into the furrows the of your crotch because you like that “slightly invasive” feeling, someone took a picture of you (one that was a close-up of your pelvic region) which they later had blown up and posted on a billboard in Times Square?

How would you like it if someone set up a hidden camera in your kitchen which caught you using various vegetables (including carrots, celery, cucumber and even the odd sweet potato) to pleasure yourself and then they used the video at church as part of Sunday’s potluck entertainment.

Another point to consider: if you did a little research, (something that only took me about ten seconds at most), I think you might find that this “dog humping cat” thing has been done to death on Youtube.  It’s not as uncommon as you might think.  If however, you were to videotape Oprah and Michelle Obama naked on the plains of Africa “sharing” a really randy giraffe, then THAT might make you about as popular as the “baby afraid of nose blowing mom”.  

Bottom line: I say you should forget your attempts at getting rich off your pets and find something better to do.  My suggestion?   Sew a quilt for some homeless person in your neighborhood or go floss your teeth over and over and over again.  You can never be too careful with your dental hygiene.

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Dear Fern,

As a self-proclaimed relationship maven, do you have any thoughts on the Royal Wedding?  And I know that you yourself are married, but is this really an institution that you support?  Sometimes, it seems like you’d rather be single.

Sincerely,

God Save The Queen

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Dear Save Her Indeed,

Oh, I LOVE weddings!   And I LOVE marriage.  And I love BEING married.  Is it a problem that I also support “alone time” and “sowing-your-wild-oats” and “throwing caution to the wind” and “checking out hot guys in Speedos” and “getting your freak on even though you have a ring on your finger”?  Being married doesn’t mean you are dead. 

And I’ll have you know that on Friday, April 29th, I was up at the crack of dawn to watch the royal ceremony.  I got out my “I love the Royal family” dish set and party favors; I donned my “Queen E. Rocks” t-shirt and my flannel “Prince Albert’s face is printed on my butt” pants; I set my knockoff “made in China” tiara in place on top of my head; I made myself tea and shortbread and I cuddled under my Princess Di, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles “$#@%ed up trio” blanket that I bought back in 1996.  

As I watched the whole royal spectacle unfold, I was reminded what lovely people Will and his new bride Kate really are, as evidenced by the fact that millions – no, billions – of people around the globe tuned in to the ceremony.  Strange though I thought that my cousin Lucy and her husband Ralph are really lovely people too and only one hundred and fifty people showed up to their wedding, thirty or so less than were actually invited.

Yes, the number of people who lined the streets to support the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge was quite heartwarming.  Even my neighbor Delilah, who can’t even walk a block to the store to buy her cigarettes, managed to get up early that morning to turn on her television set. 

As wonderful as it all was however, I will admit, I would have preferred a slightly different focus, namely one “dirty” Harry.   Let me gaze my eyes longer on that hunky brother of Will’s, the man with the “I could do you better than a monkey does bananas” kind of sex appeal.  Certainly, if asked, I’d step up to the plate if he needed a few pointers in the bedroom.  I mean, did you see him in his boxers on the cover of the September 2007 issue of Radar magazine?  Redheads rule!

The only other thing that I didn’t really like about the wedding was the fact that John Mayer (because Elton John was there) and Reggie Bush (because why not?) weren’t invited.  Seeing the both of them in some sort of formal wear would have been nice, slurp!  

Watching Will and Kate exchanging vows also made me think about the royal honeymoon, which has supposedly been put on hold for now.  They did spend a night (I think) at Buckingham palace though and I wonder whose bed(s) they slept in?  Did they leave a little white schlemeezel on the Queen’s bedspread? And did they try to “do it” in the kitchen, or were there too many servants around?  

Furthermore, it made me think of other famous couples and what they might be like in the bedroom.  Take Angie and Brad for instance.  I figure that would be a real posers “I’m better looking than you” fest.  Or how about Tom and Katie?  We’ve all seen what he’s like when he gets excited.  I’m surprised that the roof on their house hasn’t been blown off.  Or Victoria and David?  The only sex he probably gets is pleasuring himself from across the room.  Heaven knows “Vicki” wouldn’t want to mess up her clothes or her hair.  Now, Ashton and Demi – that would be a “mother/son” of a good time.  And Barak and Michelle – I’m still stuck on the randy giraffe image from the previous question.  Or how about Ellen and Portia?  So many tongues, so little time.  Jay Z and Beyonce – I see them boinking on a bed made of money to “Would You Die For Me?” by Biggie Smalls which Jay insists on playing every single time they get naked.  And last but not least, Seal and Heidi – some serious jungle fever there and my personal favourite. 

I could go on and on, but getting back to Kate and Wills.  I wish them the best of luck.  Like any married couple, they’re gonna need it. 

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Dear Fern,

My wife only likes to have sex with the lights off.  I like the lights on.  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Danny In The Dark

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Dear Danny,

When I want my husband to do something for me that he INITIALLY doesn’t want to do – like let me run a shelter for stray ferrets (shout outs to JoJo and Spooky) and abandoned baby raccoons (hey there Curly, Larry and Moe) and skunks (what’s poppin’ Stripey and Wilma) in our basement – I simply bug the crap out of him until he says yes.  So what if he’s had give up his man cave?  We all have to make sacrifices to make the world a better place.

Sometimes however, the problem is more than just a person not wanting to do something.  Sometimes, it’s a matter of embarrassment or uneasiness about a certain situation or some deeply rooted fear because of something that may have happened in the past.  If this is the case with your wife – and it sounds to me like it is – then bugging her may not be enough.  You may need to provide incentive.  You may need to guide her gently through the process. 

For example, I’ve always had this issue with shopping at Canadian Tire and maybe it’s their huge red sign that looks like a very angular strawberry combined with the fact that I nearly choked to death on a strawberry when I was a kid, who knows?  Whatever the case, a person has to go there, right?  I mean, when my toilet gets clogged or I need to buy new barbeque utensils, where else can I shop?  So how did my husband help me to overcome this very difficult obstacle, you ask?  Simple.  We took it step by step. 

First, we went to the mall and he bought me a new pair of shoes – Jimmy Choo’s “Niagra” suede platform sandals in cobalt blue.  Second, we went to Canadian Tire.  When we got there, we walked up to the doors together.  Then my husband went inside and held up the shoes (inside the box to keep them protected).  Enticed by the fact that I may soon have them on my feet, I slowly moved forward, my heart pounding, my breathing ragged.  I was sweating profusely.  I didn’t think I could do it despite how tempted I was by such fashionable footwear.  I needed extra help.  So my husband – the sweet man that he is – used his cajoling skills to bring me in closer.  That’s the other thing.  You must incorporate positive reinforcement into the process.  “You can do it, Fern. You are a strong woman.  Now come and get your new shoes.”  And like I had wings on my feet, I glided across the threshold toward his outstretched arms.  And that was it.  I made it inside the store without any more problems and we shopped and I wore my shoes down the bike lock aisle and life was good.

Now in your case Danny, you might say things like, “You look so beautiful, my dear wife.  I love to look at your naked body.  Do you think we can make love with this nightlight on?”  Remember, baby steps.  Then the next time you say, “You look so beautiful, my dear wife.  I love to look at your naked body.  Do you think we can make love with this flashlight pointing toward the bed?”  Then the next time, “You look so beautiful, my dear wife.  I love to look at your naked body.  Do you think we can make love with this search and rescue light pointed at the middle of the mattress?”  And so on and so forth until you can do it mid-day, curtains open, lights blazing down on your souls.  Be patient.  It’ll happen.