Article first published as TheFurFiles - Numbers Game, Too Much Lovemaking, The Consummate Couple on Technorati
Madame Floretta "Fern" De Villiers, a.k.a. "Amanda Fox" is an author or erotic fiction and commentary. This is her weekly advice column.
I agree with Daniel Tosh when he says that you have to “do” a few “fours” in order to appreciate an “eight”. What do you think?
Ah, the old “numbers” game, like I rate this girl a “four” out of ten because even though she has a pretty cute behind, her nose is marginally too big for her face and she only attended junior college, flunking out after first year due to an addiction to hashish and Long Island iced teas. Or perhaps, he is a “eight” out of ten because he looks like Jude Law and Tom Hardy combined and he has more money than Paris Hilton’s family and he is nice and funny and thoughtful and kind to animals.
So what do I think about “doing” a couple of “fours” in order to appreciate an “eight”, which is really just Daniel’s excuse for sleeping with just about anybody? Well, first of all, I think it is extremely shallow to assign a number to any person. And what does that mean anyway? OK so you might want to experiment a little to know a bad lover from a really great “licks you in all the right places” guy or gal, but what is one person’s “five” might be another person’s “nine”.
Take Dalip Singh for example – the guy who played one of the villains in “Get Smart” with Steve Carell. At seven foot two inches tall, he is a BIG man – undoubtedly BIG everywhere, if you get my drift. And no I’ve never actually done anything with him – heck I don’t even know the guy – but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my fantasies.
Now, not all women would want to be with a guy like that. But I would. Sure, he’s no Brad Pitt and on most people’s attractiveness scale, he’d probably rate somewhere between a four and a seven, depending on your propensity for really tall, monsterish-looking men who could rip you in half in the bedroom. My point is that I’d give the guy a ten out of ten just for showing up.
I also dated a guy once who not only looked like an alligator but who also made love like an alligator, or in the way I suppose alligators make love – all bitey and snappy with a “wrestle you till you are almost dead” type of execution. Again, not the kind of guy most women would appreciate but one that I felt was highly skilled. Too bad he was only into one-night stands.
I guess what I’m saying here is that it’s OK to experiment, but remember that life is not about labeling or comparing one person to another, it’s about appreciating each and every experience for what it is. Also, it is important to note that a perfect face and a perfect body does not a perfect “lay” make. BTW, I saw a girl wearing a t-shirt today that said, “Bacon is meat candy.” So true – bad for you but tastes like Adrian Peterson if he were food. And I’d eat him anytime.
Do you think Christina Hendricks’s breasts are real?
I’d Really Like To Find Out First Hand [snicker, snicker]
Yes obviously, and me too.
Can women be addicted to sex? Because my girlfriend is. Not that I think she’s out there sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry, it’s just that she never leaves ME alone. It’s all she ever wants to do. Like she’d rather have sex than eat. And she’d rather have sex than go to the movies. I don’t know about you Fern, but I actually WANT to see Kung Fu Panda 2. I like sex, but come on. There are other things to do in life. Any advice?
Can’t Keep Up
I refuse to answer this on the grounds that it is undeniably a computer-generated question. You are a computer, Can’t. And how do I know? Because in the history of the world, there has never been a woman who wanted to have more sex than a man, except for my friend Diamond, but hey, she’s not normal AND she’s half French, half Spanish AND she works as a “lady of the evening” to help pay for college. Understand that she only WANTS to have sex all the time because she NEEDS the money. She’s studying to be a chiropractor.
OK, so maybe you’re NOT a computer. But Can’t, I think you may be imagining this “my girlfriend can’t keep her paws off me” problem. Like maybe when you thought she said, “Hey baby, let’s get busy,” what she was really saying was, “Hey baby, let’s watch Lizzie.” And when you thought she was dressing provocatively and rubbing up against your crotch, maybe she was really just dressed for a night on the town with her girlfriends (women want to look good even if they aren’t going out with their partners – it’s a female/female “I could steal your boyfriend if I really wanted to” competitive type thing) and she accidentally tripped on the apron you left in the middle of the front hall and was just bracing herself against your body to stop from scraping her knees all to hell. Or maybe you are just crazy and you need to see a shrink.
Ahhhh, gotcha, Can’t! I’m just tryin’ to get your goat. No, I don’t think you are a computer, nor do I think you are imagining this whole “poor bugger that your girlfriend wants to $%#@ your %$#@ all the damn time” scenario. Seriously, a lot of couples have the problem of different sex drives, though it usually works the other way around, with the guy wanting it and the girl saying, “Get the heck away from me and go diddle yourself in the bathroom if you have to. I need to get my beauty sleep.” I guess your girlfriend is one of those “randier than a jackrabbit” kind of people, like Lady Gaga and me, but whatever.
So what do I think you should do? I think you should cry me a river that you have to put up with all of that naked rolling, ramming, fondling, licking fun that you are probably getting four to ten times a day. And if you don’t like THAT for an answer, then I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying, “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.” You know what you need to do – leave the poor woman, even if she protests. Let her be free to find someone who likes sex just as much as she does. After about two weeks, she’ll be thanking you. If you must stay however – like if you have a kid together or something equally as crippling – tell her that if she has any left over energy, she can always come over to my house. I’ve been known to do charity work.
I’ve been seeing this guy for a bit, like two months. We get along great – I like him and he likes me. Problem is, I’m not sure how serious he is about our relationship. When we are just hanging out, he seems pretty casual saying stuff like, “Yeah, well don’t get your hopes up of ever meeting my family or friends, babe. I don’t like you THAT much.” But then when we are having sex, his tune changes completely and he says things like, “Oh, Rachel baby. I love you to the ends of the earth. You are soooo beautiful! You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Did I mention that I love you and that I want you to be the mother of my children? I want to marry you right now, right this very instant. Get the justice of the peace in here, will you. Who cares if we’re naked and you have semen all over your leg?”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t mind it if we ended up together permanently. Joe’s a great guy. It’s just that I’ve been jilted many times before by men who say that I am too serious. So with Joe, I’ve been purposely holding back, not mentioning that I want ten children or bringing out my stack of Bride magazines. I guess my question to you is: how does a girl know when a guy is really serious and can you ever believe what they say between the sheets?
Dream Wedding Planned For May 24th, 2014, Which Will Include Four Hundred Guests, Eight Bridesmaids And A Cake Higher Than My Five-Foot-Two Mother
First off, let me address your question regarding the reliability of what a man says in the bedroom, even though it seems like a ridiculously obvious answer. What a man says during sex is about as reliable as a drone ant saying that he will seal your driveway for “next to nothing”.
It’s about as reliable as Vince Shlomi’s claim that he can make America skinny “one slap at a time”.
It’s about as reliable as Harold Camping’s predictions about the world coming to an end.
It’s about as reliable as a using a Russian Toy Terrier as a guard dog, though I have known a few that could do some pretty significant ankle damage.
It’s about as reliable as that couple who invited me over to their house last week for some “scones” and “tea” and then ended up coercing me into doing some very naughty things involving a wall with a fist-sized hole in it – the husband on one side, and me and the wife on the other – two slippery baton-like objects, a cow bell, and a triangle (the instrument not simply the shape). OK, so that’s not really an example of something “reliable”, but it sure was “pleasurable”, if not a little “out there”.
Now, as for your other question about how to tell if a guy is serious, that’s simple. It’s one of those things you just know, like whether or not you are in love or whether or not you’ve had an orgasm or whether or not Mel Gibson is a raving lunatic even if physically, he appears normal. If you have to ask yourself the question, then you aren’t, you didn’t and he’s not. Except that he is.
At least you’ve done the right thing in dealing with Joe – i.e. you’ve chosen to lay low on the whole baby/marriage front. And since guys are like cats, I think that’s the exact approach you should continue to take. Sadly, most guys won’t like this feline comparison, but it’s true. Men don’t like being told what to do or where to go or whose lap to sit on. They like to roam freely about the world and if they anticipate being caged at any time, they will bolt and hide in the basement behind the furnace or some really heavy boxes where you’ll never be able to get them out. They prefer partners/owners who are more of the “do whatever you want and come around for some food and affection whenever you feel like it” type. They are more loyal the more space you afford them, certainly NOT like dogs who bark “how high” whenever you say jump.
When a guy is serious, it’s not about what he says either; it’s about what he does. And when he’s genuinely interested, he will do stuff like sit with your sick grandma so you can go for Chinese food with your friend Cindy, and he’ll pay. He will beg you to let him clean your toilets. He will volunteer to help your sister and her husband move. He will do all the things that any normal human being would normally shy away from.
Bottom line: sit back and let Joe dictate the pace. Don’t push the relationship and he may or may not invite you over to meet his family for Thanksgiving dinner, and if I’m being honest, he probably won’t.
Did you see the Justin Bieber/Selena Gomez kiss at the Billboard Music Awards? I think they make the perfect couple, don’t you?
Fan In Factoryville
If by “perfect couple” you mean two people who will stay together for a short period of time, after which they will appear on the cover of some trashy magazine announcing a very nasty split because one of them has taken to smooching with some other well-known celebrity in a very swanky but public place.
Yeah, they are perfect until Selena can’t stand that Justin acts like a typical seventeen-year-old boy, which means he truly acts like he’s seven.
Perfect until Selena tells Justin that she thinks his dad’s rapping career will end up going nowhere because really, who wants to see a forty-year-old man trying to act all boss by spitting rhymes?
Perfect until Justin gets sick of Selena’s la-di-da “I’m a Hollywood princess” mood swings and he tells her that she looks like a border terrier, which she kinda does.
Perfect until Selena finds out that Justin chews with his mouth open and farts in public and then she calls him a “pig” and then he tells her that, “Oh yeah, well, I could have any girl on the planet,” to which she replies, “Well, they can all have you then. Anyway, Kellan Lutz was flirting with me at last year’s MTV Movie Awards so maybe I’ll give him a call.”
But speaking of ‘perfect”, what would constitute two people being “perfect” for one another anyway? Is it two people who look “perfect” together? Is it two people who get along great? Is it two people who have “perfected” the horizontal mambo to the point where they could webcam it and command a huge internet following of about one thousand viewers, give or take a couple hundred?
I’ll tell you what I think makes the perfect couple. It’s two people who can stand each other long to make a baby and then, when they feel obligated to raise the child together, they manage NOT to stab each other with steak knives or have each other arrested for spousal abuse when it clearly isn’t happening. Now that’s perfect!
Causes Amanda Raynor Supports
The Ottawa Humane Society, The National Capital Region YMCA/YWCA, Harvest House in Ottawa,