Article first published as TheFurFiles - Star Separation, Dethroned By The Dog, Caught In The Middle on Technorati.
Madame Floretta "Fern" De Villiers, a.k.a. "Amanda Fox" is an author or erotic fiction and commentary. This is her weekly advice column.
I just read that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are getting a divorce after twenty-five years of marriage. If two people who seem to have everything can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us poor sots?
Unknown In Uberlandia
Hey, we’d all like to have the latest in lingerie, but you can’t just run into the nearest Victoria’s Secret and grab the first pair of panties you see (like those new brightly colored ones with the sexy gathering at the back) and rip off all your clothes and put on the new stuff and then run out of the store and expect that no one is going to do or say anything about it. I tried that once and I know for a fact that it doesn’t work. That was back in my “I’m entitled to anything I want” days.
Furthermore, some people are just “glory dish doers”, i.e. they come into the kitchen when the meal is over and they say, “Here, let me help with that.” And when you say, “OK,” they proceed by sliding the cloth around on a couple of plates, forgetting to rinse and leaving all the hard stuff like the pots and pans and all the cutlery for you to finish. And you can usually tell if someone is going to be like this by the way they comb their hair. Parted on the left – terrible at cleaning. Parted on the right – regular Molly Maid. Bangs – tramp. Bald – crazy.
So when encountering someone of the first type, I find it best just to say, “No thanks. I’ve got the dishes covered. Why don’t you go relax on the couch? I’ll bring you some sambuca.” It’s what they’ll be expecting, so why not indulge them?
And I don’t care what anyone says, “Christian rap” is an example of an oxymoron.
BTW, it’s easy to see why Arnold and Maria are breaking up. It’s what happens to most famous couples. The problem is that they are used to getting anything they want. And that’s what makes them different from us regular folk.
It’s like, “Oh, I can snap my fingers and some guy will install a BeoVision 4-103 plasma screen television by Bang and Olufsen in the bathroom oasis that I hardly ever use? And if I don’t like those ten Ferrari Enzos that I just bought to help fill up my five thousand square foot garage, I can send them to the junkyard and get something else? And if I find out that my husband is groping random women, I can just get a new one? Awesome!”
The rest of us figure that there’s not much we can do about our lots in life and we simply concede to suffer through the messes. And it is just that propensity for dealing with the crap (because what else can a regular person really do?) that is the foundation of any good relationship. See, there IS hope after all.
Conan or Thor?
Fan Of Heroic Fantasy
I think my wife loves our dog Ginger – an Irish Setter – more than she loves me. OK, so Ginger is REALLY pretty, but come on – Martha kisses her FIRST when she comes home from work, and she shares her treats with her, never with me. She even lets her take my spot on the couch in the evenings saying, “Hey Mark, get up. That spot is reserved for ‘Gingie’. You sit on the floor.”
Fern, we got Ginger as a puppy shortly after we got married six years ago, and over time, I feel like my wife’s relationship with her has blossomed, while OUR relationship has slowly gone down the tubes. Sometimes, when she takes her out for a walk at night, she tells me to stay home because she doesn’t want me “interfering in their private time”. It’s just not right. What should I do?
Dethroned By The Dog
Here are five VERY GOOD reasons why animals are better than humans:
Animals don’t go on shooting rampages where they kill twelve innocent people after which they then shoot themselves.
Animals don’t say, “Hey loser. Who dressed you today? Your grandfather?”
Animals don’t have affairs with their secretary when their wife has either a) just gone through a terrible C-section and has been laid up in bed for weeks, or b) is receiving chemotherapy for the apple-sized tumor that is growing in her head.
Animals don’t store hundreds of thousands of files of naked children on their computers. They don’t even HAVE computers.
Animals don’t say rude things to the overweight cashier who runs the express aisle at the grocery store.
Knowing all of this, one would think that you’d voluntarily stay off the damn couch. Besides, maybe your wife has some lesbian tendencies and this is the only way she feels comfortable expressing them. Leave her to her fun, why don’t you?
I think I should break up with my boyfriend because things just aren’t going well between us anymore. Like he is a complete jerk when it comes to my family. When we first got together, he said that it was “cute” that my Uncle Shinny spent most of his time hopping up and down in front of a fence over by the war museum. Now he says that he’s crazier than Courtney Love on a good day.
Bobby also used to come home from work early specifically so we could spend time together. Now he comes home late and just sits on the couch in the basement watching reruns of “Auction Hunters” and drinking Labatt Blue after Labatt Blue after Labatt Blue.
Our future doesn’t look good Fern, and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think I want to live with him anymore as every day that goes by makes me want to put heaping tablespoons of salt in his Kraft Dinner. The problem is, I don’t think I could ever live without him. We’ve been together for too long.
For one thing, you shouldn’t base your decision on whether or not to stay with Bobby on the length of time that the two of you have been together. “Years together” doesn’t equal “happiness” just like “listening to death metal now” doesn’t equal “mass killing at some random public location later”. OK, so maybe that’s not the best analogy, but I’m sure you get what I’m sayin’.
Also, I don’t think there is anything wrong with two people taking a break from one another. Sometimes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and sometimes, getting away from your drunken bastard of a boyfriend will teach him to appreciate what a great girlfriend you are.
And whoever said that if you guys separate, that you can never get back together? Things are NOT always “this” or “that”; they are NOT always “black” or “white”. Life doesn’t work that way. When you watch those little naked mole rats at the zoo running around in their plexiglass houses, do they ever just go in one direction and one direction only? No. They dig a little one way, crawl back, and dig a little somewhere else until after weeks and weeks of arduous labour, their nest is complete. They also don’t feel certain kinds of pain and they don’t get cancer. Like who knew? And the queen has one to three males at her sexual disposal at any given time, which I’m sure, makes her life pretty darn great.
Furthermore, when you are driving down the street and you come to a detour, what do you do? That’s right, you drive in the direction those big orange signs tell you to go and you end up sitting on some side street stuck in traffic for hours and hours, eventually making it to work where your boss then threatens to deduct half a day from your paycheck and says that he/she is going to fire your sorry @$$ the next time you step even marginally out of line.
The same goes for you in this situation – you may need to take a little detour in your relationship with Bobby. If the two of you find your way back together afterwards, fabulous. You can say that it was all just part of the journey. If not, and you end up alone or with someone else (which is what I’d be aiming for if I were you), then it was probably meant to be and you can leave Bobby for some other woman to deal with. Poor wench.
I need your help. I met Sally about two months ago when I was standing in line at the bank. I thought she was a super sweet girl – you know, the kind you’d like to bring home to meet your mother. We started dating almost immediately. Then, about a week later, while working as a bartender – something I do a couple evenings a week to help pay for school – I met this other chick named Angel. She was smokin’ hot – curves in all the right places and a rack big enough to fit on the front of a Ford F-150, if you get what I’m sayin’? When she told me to come around the bar so she could slip her phone number into the front of my pants, I was a goner.
So now I’ve dated each of them about six times – one usually on Friday nights, the other on Saturdays. The rest of the time, I tell them that I am going out with the boys, visiting my sick grandmother or working.
Sounds like the perfect set-up, right? Yeah, let me finish. So now that we are getting to know each other better, the two women want me to meet their friends. Sally says, “My darling David, why don’t we go out with my best friend in all the world, Angel and her new boyfriend ‘Dave’ on a double date? From her description of him, the two of you sound very much alike and you even have the same name. You’ll probably get along great. And I’m sure you’ll really like Angel too. Most guys think she’s really swell.” See the problem? Of course, I didn’t know that the two of them even knew each other until Angel said almost the exact same thing to me the very next day. Now the plan is for the “four” of us to go bowling this weekend. What should I do?
Caught In The Middle
Sounds like a simple answer. You tell both Sally and Angel that you’d love to go bowling this weekend. You tell them that you are really looking forward to meeting their friends, so much so, that you’ve planned a big surprise for everyone that night. Tell them that you’ll meet them at the bowling alley and when you show up, just be yourself. What happens from there could go one of four ways…
1. Both Sally and Angel will be furious with you for being a two-timing liar and they will leave you there to bowl ten frames by yourself.
2. The two women might actually like this new arrangement and suggest that you all go back to your place for some hot, ménage-a-trois action. (I wouldn’t count on this one.)
3. Angel will hate you but Sally will forgive you (she’s so nice) and she’ll still want to go out. At this point, cut the poor girl loose. She sounds too good for a snake like you.
4. Sally will hate your guts and leave in a huff, but Angel might say something like, “Oh, Billy. You are just the kind of bad boy I’ve been hoping to meet. Let’s go boink in the washroom and then we can order some wings after.” If this happens, count yourself unbelievably lucky and balance out this wondrous turn of events by giving a sizeable amount of money to the charity of your choice as soon as you get home.
Causes Amanda Raynor Supports
The Ottawa Humane Society, The National Capital Region YMCA/YWCA, Harvest House in Ottawa,