Article first published as Rattled By Rejection, a Bun in the Oven and Unhinged By Usher on Technorati.
Madame Floretta "Fern" De Villiers, a.k.a. "Amanda Fox" is an author or erotic fiction and commentary. This is her weekly advice column.
How do you know if a woman is interested BEFORE you talk to her? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve approached someone only to be shut down. Like once, I asked this really hot redhead out on a date and she said (in this strange sort of accent), “Heeeell no! You look more like a prune on stilts than an actual human being. Now get outta my face you lout, you dork, you vulgarian, you clodpate, you oaf, and don’t ever come near me again!” I mean, it was really embarrassing in front of the rest of my Sci-fi book club members. I would rather not experience this sort of rejection. Any advice?
Repeatedly Rejected In Reno
Ummmm yeah, if you are insinuating that this terrible, man-hating woman who flatly rejected you was ME, possibly because she looked like me and sounded like me, and because I have a bit of a weird accent and because I’ve been known to get pretty obnoxious and hurtful when I’ve been drinking Irish Carbombs (like who doesn’t?), then you would be completely wrong. Besides, I’ve never called anyone a “clodpate” in my entire life. I don’t even know what the word means.
Anyhoo, how do you know if a woman is interested BEFORE you actually go up and talk to her? Unfortunately knowing such a thing would be like knowing what God keeps in that locked box in the back of his closet (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). It would be like knowing whether or not Nicole Kidman has had plastic surgery (I’ll bet she has), or like knowing if Elvis ever had sexual relations with another man which he somehow managed to keep on the “down low”, or like knowing what would happen if you put a ball of tinfoil wrapped in paper towel into the microwave and turned it on high before then heading up to the bathroom to pluck your nose hairs.
Knowing if a woman is interested BEFORE talking to her is just one of life’s little mysteries. And since you can’t know everything, sometimes you just have to trust in yourself. I learned that when I was acting in this French movie a few years back. It was the first day of filming and I had to do this love scene with my handsome costar. A bit on the green side – I mean, I am a writer, NOT an actor but whatever; they paid me a lot of money – I was nervous about the whole thing. And like you, I didn’t want to look stupid so I kept wondering, “How am I supposed to kiss this guy? Will he like it if I probe my tongue inside his mouth? Should I dip my hand into his underwear while we are making out?” In the end, I didn’t have time to ask Xavier or the director, and I was obliged to go into the scene blind. Mustering as much confidence as I could, I said to myself, “Stop worrying so much, Fern and just do what you do. Make love to this man. Or ‘pretend’ to make love to this man the best way you know how. It is what the job requires.”
And that’s exactly what I did. As soon as the cameras started rolling, I called upon my feminine wiles and threw caution to the wind. And wouldn’t you know, the scene turned out so sexy and so hot, that people thought we were having sex for real. In fact, Xavier’s magic wand may have slipped into my panty hamster just a little, but I’ll never say for sure.
The movie ended up winning many awards and was featured at almost every film festival around the globe. Anyway, now I have a whole slew of leading men begging to work with me – Johnny Depp, Sam Worthington, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise (like that’s ever going to happen), Bradley Cooper, the list goes on and on. The phone has been ringing off the hook for two years straight. Unfortunately, I’ve been so busy writing this column – so busy trying to help those less fortunate than myself by providing the answers to life’s biggest questions – and so busy chauffeuring my children around from sporting event to sporting event, so busy vacuuming and cooking and doing laundry and shopping for groceries, that I just haven’t had the time. Someday though, I will be back on the silver screen.
With regard to your problem Repeatedly, my suggestion for you is to stop trying to figure out ways to prevent rejection and start learning to take chances. Relax, be yourself, and most of all, be a “Confident Cameron”. If you BELIEVE that you are someone worth knowing, women will be falling at your feet. An expensive but subtle cologne wouldn’t hurt either.
I have been married for twelve years, and for a while now, things haven’t been going so great with my husband James. Thus, it probably won’t surprise you to find out that recently – like six months ago – I started having an affair with another man. Being with Dean has saved me from falling into a pit of despair on many, many occasions. Yes, I do feel guilty about sneaking around behind James’ back, but I don’t see that I have much choice. I would be utterly miserable otherwise.
Now for the real problem. Just last week, I found out that I was pregnant. I am 100% sure that the baby belongs to Dean as James and I haven’t had sex in a long, long time. Well, we HADN’T had sex in a long, long time and then the other day, he came to me acting all sweet and everything and we ended up doing it. But I was still pregnant before that. And therein lies my second dilemma. For some weird reason, James wants to get our marriage back in order. Suddenly, he is being nice to me. Suddenly, he is acting like the man I fell in love with so many years ago. In the meantime, I have Dean and I am freaking out about this baby.
Deep down, I love my husband, but when he started acting like a jerk, I needed someone to fill the void. That is not to say however that I don’t love Dean. I do. Now, I love them both. I should also mention that James and I have two children together which is why I didn’t up and leave him in the first place. I am so confused about what to do. I really need your help.
What The Heck Have I Gotten Myself Into?
Dear What Indeed?
Since dealing with this problem would be like visiting the Middle East (minus the guns and the killing and the random explosions and the tyrannical leaders), I’d say that there isn’t going to be an easy answer. Yeah, bullets may fly and people are gonna yell (loud) and you may end up a bit of a mess when all is said and done.
And I don’t really like to tell people what to do in circumstances like this because they always end up blaming me for the poor results. You can’t put a rabbit in a cage with an anaconda and then freak out when the rabbit just disappears. What I CAN do however is to suggest a few options.
Tell James that you’ve been having an affair for the past six months. Tell him that you were feeling weak and unworthy and that you made the mistake of getting together with an ignoramus whom you will never see or talk to again. Tell him that you are the one to blame and that you take full responsibility for the disintegration of your marriage. Grovel for forgiveness. Promise to give him oral sex every day for the rest of his life. And DON’T tell him that the baby isn’t his. In fact, use the pregnancy as a way of getting him back. (Thank goodness you guys slept together recently.) Say, “Oh James. This pregnancy must be a sign from above that our love fires are still burning strong.” Saying this however is taking a HUGE risk. You’d then better pray to some higher power (like Ronald McDonald or Donald Trump) that the baby looks like the rest of your family. Praying to God won’t help in this case. He’ll be too pissed that you lied and he might decide to make the baby look like an Ewok. You never know. God does what God feels like doing.
Do the same as scenario one, except instead of lying about the baby, tell James the truth. This is going to take a lot more convincing on your part. Men don’t like to know that another man has infiltrated their space and having that baby will be a constant little, toddling reminder that Dean is never going to go away. You may have to promise not only oral sex every day for the rest of his life, but regular and backdoor sex as well, throwing in the odd three-way for good measure. And I wouldn’t be surprised if James asks you to wear a chastity belt for a while, which I don’t think is an unreasonable request given the fact that you seem to spread your legs as easily as Rihanna changes her hair color.
You tell James that you want a divorce and you plan to make a life with Dean. This could be the trickiest plan yet as boyfriends don’t often want the excess baggage of some other guy’s kids hanging around, especially when he was probably only with you for the sex anyway. So when you tell Dean that you are coming to live with him and bringing your other two kids (and the new baby) along with you, he just may panic and leave town. Brace yourself for ending up alone with this one.
Option four: the plan least likely to succeed but definitely worth mentioning, if only for my own personal enjoyment.
Tell everyone the truth. Tell James that you love him but that you were hurt that your marriage was falling apart, hence the reason you went off and started boinking Dean. Tell Dean that you have grown to love him too, but that you also still love your husband. Do this with everyone in the room at the same time, including one objective bystander with a shotgun just in case things get ugly. You should also invite your parents, aunts, uncles, neighbors and workmates along for the show because you know that sooner or later, they are all going to find out about your dirty little secret. Tell everyone about the pregnancy and make it very clear who IS, and who is NOT the father. Point to Dean. James will be in a state of shock so you will probably need to use hand signals to get him to understand. Announce that it is your intention to include everyone in your life. Tell them that you will arrange some sort of fair deal whereby everyone gets your attention. That guy on television who has five wives seems to manage just fine, so why can’t you? One thing though – you’ll probably have to agree to let both Dean and James have as many lovers as they want. You know what men are like. They need things to be equal and “then some”.
As telling you which of these options to pick would put me personally at great risk, you will just have to choose for yourself. Best of luck. I have this sneaky feeling that you’re really gonna need it.
A few months ago, I went to see Usher in concert and since then, I haven’t been able to get him out of my head. Sure, I liked him before – like when I’d see him in music videos and stuff – but seeing him in the flesh was a completely different story. It was like I’d been living under a rock my whole life and then someone suddenly lifted the damn thing off my back. It was like I had an elephant sitting on my chest and then suddenly he got up to go wash himself in the river. I tell you Fern, when I saw Usher on that stage, I fell deeply, madly in love. And you may think this is crazy, but while I was standing there, he was staring at ME the entire time. There is no doubt in my mind: we are meant to be together.
And I’ve heard you tell other people to follow their hearts, so that is what I’ve done. I quit my job and I’ve been following my beloved around on his tour from city to city to city. If you want something, you have to go after it, right? It is hard though because I am having trouble getting close to him. The nearest I’ve gotten is seeing him get into an elevator. His bodyguards are really good at keeping him safe, which I guess will be a bonus for me once we are a couple.
I was wondering though if you had any connections that may help me to realize my dream of marrying Usher? And do you think this could really happen? Should I keep trying? I can hardly wait to say, “Daddy’s home, home for me. And I’ve been waitin’ for this lovin’ all day…”
Daddy’s Little Girl
If you like music, then you should probably check out some of these songs too. You will no doubt be singing the lyrics pretty soon.
Ray Charles’ “Drown in My Own Tears”, Aretha Franklin’s “It Hurts Like Hell”, 50 Cent’s “Patiently Waiting” (featuring Eminem), Otis Redding’s “Pain in my Heart”, and Whitney Houston’s “Why Does It Hurt So Bad”. Note the key words – “hurt”, “pain”, and “tears”.
Songs that you WON’T be singing however include Elton John’s “Can You Feel The Love Tonight”, Etta James’ “At Last”, Percy Sledge’s “When A Man Loves A Woman”, and Cheap Trick’s “And I Love Her”.
In case you don’t get what I’m sayin’, I should probably me make myself clear. Yes, yes, yes, you absolutely SHOULD try to get with Usher. You will be his one and only woman as surely as cats are like miniature people simply with larger canine teeth and tails. Unfortunately, I don’t really know anyone who can help you out right now. I know you can do it though. Keep following Usher around. It’ll happen. And stop wasting your time on your computer. Go find your chocolately man hunk before one of the Olsen twins gets him.
Note to the rest of the men in the world: you owe me BIG for keeping this crazy female out of your hair.
Causes Amanda Raynor Supports
The Ottawa Humane Society, The National Capital Region YMCA/YWCA, Harvest House in Ottawa,