Article first published as TheFurFiles - The Future Of Fornicating, Redheads Rule, Condom Conundrum on Technorati.
Madame Floretta "Fern" De Villiers, a.k.a. "Amanda Fox" is an author or erotic fiction and commentary. This is her weekly advice column.
Do you think there will ever come a day when people no longer want to have sex with other people, when they only want to have sex with dolls and/or robots that they’ve created perfectly for themselves? I mean, imagine having the perfect partner, made to your exact specifications, who is just the right height and weight, who has just the right eye and hair color, who has just the right sized breasts or penis, who never talks back or cheats on you, and who is always up for some hanky panky no matter what the time of day or how often you ask. The best part: when you are done with them, you can just put them away in the closet until the next time.
Now, I’m not saying that I would want something like that (because my girlfriend would kill me), and I’m certainly not asking if you think that a person who would like this sort of thing was a freak, I was just wondering if you had any thoughts on sex in the future, you know, with all the new technology that’s out there and everything?
Tomorrow Can’t Come Too Soon
Ah, the future…
Here are a few analogies of what I see happening…
Winona Ryder. Once one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood, she’s acted in movies such as Beetlejuice (for which she won critical and commercial recognition), Heathers, Girl, Interrupted and Edward Scissorhands. Then, in 2001, her world fell apart when she was arrested for shoplifting. Further bouts with drugs, anxiety and depression led her to check into a rehab clinic. Finally, in 2011, it seems she has emerged from under this black cloud and now, she’s back in one of the year’s best movies, appearing alongside Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”.
The stomach flu. You get it, probably from that nasty woman in your office who continually blows her nose and then goes on to touch everything from the coffee maker to the photocopy machine. You scare the cat half out of its mind when you bolt down the hall at three in the morning, not quite making it to the bathroom and proceeding to spew a royal mess onto the really expensive Persian carpet that your grandmother gave to you when you moved away from home. Your body gets completely depleted of electrolytes and the pharmacist – who you have to talk to really fast because you can feel the runs coming on again – recommends you take that stuff they give to babies, you know, the drink that tastes like cheap juice mixed with salt. After twenty-four to forty-eight hours (usually), you start to feel better, though your stomach is still “a bit off” for the next week or so. A year or two later, you get it again and the whole thing starts all over.
Politics. You vote for someone whose platform you think is good. They’ve promised to safeguard against the loss of jobs and help boost the economy; they’ve promised to reform the floundering health care system; they’ve promised to develop green energy industries in the hopes of combating global warming. All in all, they’ve promised to make the world a better place. Once elected however, they end up doing the same thing that every other politician has done for the last bajllion years – they bobble; they sneak around and have sex with people they shouldn’t; they steal money to take their family on expensive trips to Europe; basically, they run around in circles, never living up to the promises that made you want to support them in the first place, and they do this until it’s time for the next election when you are faced with a similar set of choices (albeit different names) all over again.
The point is Tomorrow, life is cyclical. So what do I see for the future of sex? Yes, I see people (including you) experimenting with all the new technology that’s coming out – the “I can be whoever you want me to be and do whatever you want me to” sex dolls and robots, the “how do you like that for a wild night” sex machines, and the “I will keep you busy for weeks on end” interactive sex movies and/or games. I see all kinds of stuff that involves little or no real human interaction but delivers big on the “that feels so good I think my brain might explode” experience. People are going to eat this stuff up. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
After a while however, I think people will start missing each other. I think they will crave that closeness that only another person can provide. All of a sudden, after you’ve been %$#@ed upside down and inside out, you’ll want to go back to that girlfriend of yours and ask her to simply hold your hand. All I can say is that you’d better hope she’ll still have you. She may be off having “Rocky Robot” sex of her own.
My problem is, I don’t know if I am gay or straight. Sometimes, I like guys and sometimes, I like girls. And I really don’t think I am bisexual, because I never like them both at the same time. This indecisiveness is driving me crazy! What should I do?
Shouldn’t It Be One Or The Other?
Dear Not Necessarily,
Who ever said that apples had to be either red or green? Who ever said that 50 Cent had to be either a rapper or a movie star? Who ever said that you can only enjoy Martinis when it’s nighttime and you are having a party, that you can’t enjoy them first thing in the morning after the kids (miserable, self-possessed, back-talking, little buggers that they are) have left for school and you’ve just finished cleaning cat poop off your duvet because someone locked Fluffy in the bedroom? Who ever said that men couldn’t be just as bitchy as women even though, technically, they don’t get periods? Whoever said that you can’t be both a rock star and a cult leader? I know that’s what I’m hoping for.
There is no reason why you can’t love both men AND women. Think of Lady Gaga, Blake McGrath or Angelina Jolie. And while L.G. (as I affectionately call her) and B.M. (as he should henceforth be known) seem to be able to mix the genders like they are mixing peanut butter and jelly, Brad probably insists that Angelina keep her females on the down low, at least while the troops are around.
And this “I can’t love them both at the same time so what does that make me” business, like seriously, who cares? Heck, when I’m eating Doritos, I don’t want to drink unsweetened prune juice. The two things just don’t go together. And I don’t know about you, but sometimes I have trouble driving and thinking at the same time. Like wah, wah, wah, call the police on me already.
There are simply NO rules regarding sexual morality, except that maybe you should try to stay away from anyone under the age of sixteen. And maybe you shouldn’t have sex with your parents or your brothers and sisters, or your first cousins, or your teacher or doctor or pastor. And maybe it’s not such a good idea (if you are a guy) to tongue kiss your boyfriend in the park in some of the smaller towns in the “Dirty South”. But other than that, you should be good.
My advice? Accept yourself the way you are and stop worrying so G.D. much. Just think, you could get with Scarlett Johansson (I hear she is a feisty little minx – obviously too hot for Ryan Reynolds to handle) OR you could have Taylor Lautner (if you don’t mind guys who probably have sleep apnea and snore because their nasal passages are so unnaturally small). I think we all wish we could have YOUR problem. Most of us are just too uptight to admit it.
You know what they say, that blondes may have more fun but redheads have more sex? You’re a redhead. Is it true?
Inquiring Minds Want To Know
Are you kidding me? Do redheads have more sex? Huh!
Do raccoons poop in people’s gardens and then when you go outside to plant flowers in the spring, sometimes you dig it up and it gets on your hands?
Does LL Cool J have the best body of any man ever?
Do some people try to lose weight by only buying food with the coupons they clip out of those little booklets that come in the mail?
Does Chris Brown have a bad temper?
Does getting it on with Captain America and Thor and The Green Lantern (the Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth and Ryan Reynolds versions) sound like a REALLY good idea?
Sure as shootin’, it’s true – redheads DO have more sex. But since my vagina can’t talk, I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it.
I have a few questions for you. First, who would you rather have a three-way with – Angelina and Brad, Demi and Ashton, Penelope and Javier, or Fergie and Josh? Second, would you rather give oral sex to a rhinoceros or get French-kissed by an elephant seal? And third, do you think it’s smart to use fruit and/or vegetables as sex aids?
I Used To Be The Captain Of The Football Team In High School But Now I Just Work At Future Shop (And I’m Also A Bit Of A Smart Ass)
Dear I Need A New Big Screen Television – Which One Do You Recommend?
I wonder about stuff too, like I wonder if you gave a starving guy a whole bunch of food, would he choke on it from eating too fast?
I wonder if McDonald’s will ever take responsibility (even a little) for the rising rate of obesity across North America?
I wonder what all the children whose parents hyphenated their last names are going to do when they have a child with someone else with a hyphenated last name? Is the baby going to have a four-name hyphenated name?
Now, to answer your questions. First – with regard to the three-way, if given the opportunity, I’d choose to do it with ALL of the couples listed and I’ll tell you why. Angelina and Brad because I like girls with large, pouty lips and I like guys with a global conscience. Demi and Ashton because it would be an opportunity to have sex with a hot young stud who is used to women who may not be so “close-fitting, constrictive, watertight, tenacious” in the “fu’funal” region, if you get my meaning, i.e. who have given birth to more than one child. Penelope and Javier because who wouldn’t? And Fergie and Josh because well, I’d want to see what it was like to “boom boom boom” with such a hot chick, who cares about what’s-his-name.
Second – would I rather give oral sex to a rhinoceros or French kiss an elephant seal? What are you, stupid? The rhinoceros of course. They are one of the most well endowed animals on the planet, not to mention that they are herbivores, which makes it much safer for me since I wouldn’t have to worry about getting eaten. I also like that some rhinos are peaceful while others are more aggressive, which means I’d have my pick depending on my mood. You know, sometimes a girl likes a guy who gets all ramped up, and other times, she wants a man who will make love to her gently. Furthermore, the fact that rhinos can’t see very well means that I wouldn’t have to do my hair and makeup every single time we got together. Oh, and their horns ARE kinda sexy – like imagine what I could do with that?
As for the elephant seal, what could it possibly have to offer except stinky fish breath and loads of blubber?
OK. Third question. Apple yes, strawberries no. They get mushy and/or could get lost up there. Carrots yes, blueberries, no. The purple stains can ruin your underwear.
BTW, did you know that echidnas have four-headed penises and that sharks possess what’s called a “double penis”? And have you ever seen a squirrel threesome? OMG, it’s priceless. Finally, I wonder if a human has ever had sex with an elephant, and I’m not saying that this should happen, but if it did, could I please be the first in line? And don’t make funny of me. You know you’d do it too.
Whenever I put on a condom, I lose my erection. What should I do?
Sean In Sacramento
Ah, the old “every time I put on a condom, I lose my erection” trick. Tell me, when you put on a hat, does your face fall off? When you put on a scarf, do you accidentally strangle yourself?
If this is an honest to goodness problem and you aren’t just making excuses for why you should be allowed to have unprotected sex, then maybe the condoms you are using are a little too tight. Or maybe you’re mentally not ready to have sex. Or maybe you had some sort of latex trauma as a child and you just need to see a psychiatrist.
I don’t know, but every guy I’ve ever met who has had this problem also can’t seem to tie his own shoes.
Now if, on the other hand, you’ve ever thought of starting a band, I have a few ideas for names. How about “The Choking Crows” because I actually saw one the other day, his poor little, black feathery body heaving uncontrollably at the side of the road. Or maybe “Fetal Horse Legs” because I just finished eating ribs, and I noticed that once you strip the meat off the bone, that’s exactly what they look like. You’ll probably end up being the guy playing the tambourine though – just to warn you – because obviously, you aren’t smart enough to know how to play an instrument.
Causes Amanda Raynor Supports
The Ottawa Humane Society, The National Capital Region YMCA/YWCA, Harvest House in Ottawa,