I come here before you today in defense of the most reviled creature on earth: the Hollywood liberal. This pampered pooch, this spoiled child, this diva who contractually demands Cyprian yogurt in her dressing room and rose petals in the potty is the best person in the world.
Okay, that’s a stretch; let me take it back a step. The Hollywood liberal is the best rich person on Earth, and I think I can prove it.
Compare overpaid Hollywood stars, who are mostly liberals, to overpaid business executives, who are mostly conservatives. The former seem to be acting against their best interests, while the latter seem to care for nothing else.
It’s a kind of miracle, really. The most self-involved, self-important, preening, vain, obnoxious, demanding, needy personalities imaginable, the Hollywood Celebrities, are the most liberal. It’s guilt, sure enough, but the important thing is that they feel it.
Can you say the same about the hedge fund guys? The oil company CEO’s? Can you say it about Wall Street emperors for whom Hollywood money is a bad year?
It’s much tougher to be a Hollywood liberal than a corporate conservative.
Jack Welsh and Mitt Romney can go on and on about how the common man needs to quit whining and pull his lazy ass up by his own bootstraps, and nobody pukes themselves hearing it.
But if Alec Baldwin puts in a good word for Obama, Fox News gets epilepsy. And the suggestive jokes Ellen DeGeneres endures for her vocal support of the rainforest aren’t fit for a family blog.
It’s courageous, isn’t it? Famous people who are beholden to us for their fame, who are obsessively image conscious and protective of their “brand,” nearly always self-identify as liberals. Yet if you believe the polls, the population in general is more likely to call themselves conservatives.
That isn’t an easy way to pursue popularity; that’s swimming against the tide. Yet they do it, almost all of them do it, almost all of the time.
Hollywood liberals understand that they’re privileged, not entitled. They know they’re lucky. They don’t think their success is the inevitable product of an efficient market working its wonders. They know better.
They’ve seen too many of their friends, with even more talent than they have, steaming lattes on Sunset Boulevard. They know how much raw luck is involved in success. They know that hard work is no guarantee. They know a hundred equally pretty kids working equally hard who haven’t made it, and probably never will.
Contrast that with your average CEO, who got his or her MBA among classmates who mostly did make it. They may not all be running Xerox, but nobody’s grad school buddy is fixing the copier.
Hollywood stars have to be close to the “customer.” They want us to thrive and prosper. We are the source of their everything, without us they’re nothing, and they know it.
And the way the Hollywood celebrity expresses his or her best wishes for us is by being flagrantly, extravagantly, liberal.
Cloying, mushy, liberal sentimentality is infinitely more annoying than conservative indifference and disdain. I get it.
But I’ll also take it. And why not? Brad Pitt never crashed my 401k. Barbara “please hit the damned note already” Streisand never shipped my job overseas. Kim “why in God’s name are you on my television” Kardashian never laid me … off.
The worst they did was not entertain me. But with their hilarious corporate hijinks and deliciously decadent downsizing, the Mega-Capitalists picked up the slack.
Liberals are a pain in the butt. They’re constantly complaining about stuff that shouldn’t concern them. Like the welfare of others. And hearing those lectures from some pretty boy who makes ten mil a pic and can’t keep his wick dry is kind of hard to take.
It’s annoying, it’s presumptions, it’s a character flaw. But I can think of a worse one. Not caring. Wanting what’s best for yourself and the hell with everyone else. Thinking that God almighty put you in the Hamptons and anyone who wants you to pay an extra dime in taxes is a godless Socialist.
Hollywood liberals are annoying, guilty brats. Sometimes I can’t stand the sight of them. But, compared to the folks who make their money the old fashioned American way—skimming it off the top and hiding half in the Caymans and the rest in Switzerland—they’re the Best People (air kiss!) In The World.