where the writers are
Captain's Blog - Stardate July 22, 2008

I have become trapped in the Holodeck again - I was halfway through a very enjoyable program in which I was an 18th-century archaeologist stumbling upon some fascinating pre-Colombian artefacts, when I was rudely interrupted by a rogue sub-routine - obviously programmed by number two - involving a vacation resort which caters exclusively to insane ventriloquists' dummies who are participating in substance-abuse programs. I can tell it's his handiwork because all of the dummies are sporting full beards and carrying trombones, and have the annoying habit of arching their little wooden eyebrows when they wish to make a conversational point. He still hasn't forgiven me for sending Chucky around to his quarters the other night - how was I to know the little chap would disembowel his Lhasa Apso? Besides, the bloody dog was on its last legs - we caught it peeing down a Jeffrey's Tube last week, and it shorted out half of deck 13 in the process - I'll be docking his wages for months to come for that one. I'm currently barricaded in the pool-house, listening to the little buggers over-acting outside - you know the type of thing - "Here's Chucky!"..., "I may be wooden, but my heart is made of butcher's steel..." - "Who's bogarting the coke?" - and all clacking their little wooden jaws in unison - that kind of nonsense. And the bloody trombones are enough to wake the dead - who the hell decided that instrument of torture be classified as musical? Now they're scratching at the windows - it really is too much - somebody needs to send the little buggers to acting school(along with number two.) Now if I can just lure one of them in here, I can rob his stash before I send him through the buzz-saw I found earlier - that should make things a little more bearable until I can find my way out of here...

Thanks again to you, dear reader, I'm number five in page-views on Red Room. I have a long history as a serial bridesmaid, so probably won't make number one, but I'm hoping some of you will become regular readers of these insane ramblings - that alone would be worth the effort. I know it all seems a bit flitty and all, and if you really want to know the truth of it, this stuff just kills me - I'm not kidding - but if Holden could do it, so can I.