Back in NC after three weeks - trying to get everything back in order - but you don't want to hear about that boring stuff, plus it's kinda flitty, and it just kills me, if you really want to know the truth....so:
I have been reviewing archive footage from the early 21st century, attempting to gain some insight into the people of the day. I came upon a very strange few minutes of digitized film, which I initially thought might actually be a "comedy" sketch from that time, since it seemed it couldn't possibly be a genuine appeal. I have included an abbreviated transcript below: It begins with a rather oily-looking character, adorned with various chains and rings and battling what looks like the worst case of beta-caratone poisoning Dr. Crusher says she has ever seen, looking earnestly into camera.
"Only three weeks ago, I weighed nine hundred pounds, possessed only a ninth-grade education and lived in a dumpster. Now I have two beautiful homes, a nine-figure income, a nubile trophy-wife and two wonderful children. I can show you how to do this in only 20 minutes a day - with no investment on your part! How is this possible, I hear you ask? Well, if you become a charter member of Wally Douchestein's Non-demoninational Church of the Eternal Shakedown, you can earn your degree in under 3 weeks - this, together with my "How to Extract Profit From Borderline-retarded People" starter kit will have you raking in the shekels in nothing flat! Choose from one of these exciting career opportunities:
- Violent Crime Scene Cleanup Specialist
- Douchebag Tester
- Condom Re-cycling Franchisee
- Solid Waste for Fun and Profit!
- Vaginal Reconstruction
- Outsourced Interrogation Operative(no need to speak Arabic)
- Political Lobbyist
- Well-Poisoning for Beginners
- House-Flipping Made Easy
- Camel Proctologist
- Artificial Insemination(must have own umbrella)
- Liposuction and Cattle-Feed Manufacture
Results not typical. "
I have discussed this phenomenon at length with my senior officers, and the consensus is that it is in fact a performance art piece, a metaphor for the absurdity of existence, an existentialist cry of angst, if you will, for an obviously deeply troubled society.
Number two also reviewed archive footage of "Deadwood", a popular Television series from the same period. If I can just get him to stop shouting "Half-price pussy for the next fifteen minutes!", and "He who disagrees with me sucks c*** by choice!", we may restore some semblance of order to the bridge.
Causes Alex Grant Supports
Southern Poverty Law Center