I have been inspecting hairlines. It’s easy to spot my fellow men who have been to the Hair Club for Men or sprinkle magic hair growing pepper on their shrinking forests. But what of family men with abundant roots and hair to harvest, how should they shape their patch and blend nicely into a suburban lifestyle look? I asked the barber. He recommended the Bill Gates job. I agreed. The trim began.
Happily squared, I was soon leafing through Windows manuals, understanding the language of tedium. I opened the system files on my computer and diced up stuff I had never heard of. Files with names like lldll278 and wsrtxq7 zapped and gone. I went to E-Trade, opened an account and bought stocks in companies I had never heard of, sure in the knowledge that in twenty years they would be the new Microsoft. I cursed those ungrateful bastards at Yahoo, perched an apple on top of my back garden fence and fired an arrow from my kid’s bow at it. Missed. A window broke. I went to my job, the rain pissed on my new Bill Gates haircut, should have brought a Mac for the inclement weather.
The following day, I tried turning on my computer. Blank. A small bat was deployed and was engaged in making swoops on the laptop beast. Whack! Still no life. Time for CPR - computer pulmonary resuscitation. Whack! Whack! Whack! Dead on arrival, as it hit the floor.
Later, in the Financials, it was a stock market free-fall with no parachute. Wiped out. The sound of clippers came quickly, as the scalp was sheared of that blasted billionaire look. The Bill Gates “do” was never going to succeed. Is anyone holding other suggestions for a respectable suburban haircut, that actually works?