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Dec.22.2010
Start off with fried liver, you can get it from any good body shop, add five pints of lager, then add about eight ounces of cognac. Turn up the madness to high heat and let boil for three hours. Consume five slices of strong pungent cheese, and head out the door for the Xmas Mass at midnight,...
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Mar.26.2010
Tired of that tiresome basketball? The boredom of baseball? The dog fighting of American Football? No? Me neither but there is something bigger and better than them. The World Cup Finals are the cocktail for this summer. The games kicking off in South Africa in June are a shake-up of...
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Nov.20.2009
The Hand of Henry
Think of all those brand names that players pick up as endorsements. And make bags of money in the process. And the team strips emblazoned with corporate logos. But maybe it's time for a new logo to be branded across the chests of our favorite soccer stars -- those ones who like...
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Nov.11.2009
While in the library the other day, the man next to me was looking at A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. His laptop buzzed and he quickly abandoned his reading continuum for a short blast of finger pulses transmitting data to followers everywhere across the cyber universe. He was tweeting...
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May.29.2009
This is a particularly unpleasant submission, so don't read it if you've been a victim of unwanted fondling.
Airports are strip searching passengers with a new screening device designed to have the bored guy at the monitor burst out laughing when he sees a tiny penis, a weird third nipple, or...
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Apr.14.2009
COTTON DOCKERS - A DANGER TO MAN
I have never had a happy relationship with pants. They've always attacked me. I've suffered zippers slicing into fragile appendages, holes in pockets that sent bus fare running down my leg only to disappear into a street drain and earthquake fissures in the...
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Apr.03.2009
ACT ONE
He was small, a Japanese Napoleon. His pal had a bald patch like a monk. The Japanese was on the voice treadmill, the monk was silent, listening, like a vow. Expensive scotch was ordered, Napoleon asked to see the bottle. I left it there. And forgot about it. They went to the jukebox and...
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Mar.31.2009
I was talking to a drug using friend, a man with alot of miles on his frequent higher card, about the latest craze on drugs, this time Mexican bordertown slaughter, and he reminded me that the drug cartels are totally opposed to legalization, like the US government. And that was a good thing...
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Jan.30.2009
The State Department has added a new group to its watchlist. MARA - the acronym for the Middle Age Resistance Army - issued a communique calling for an "end to youth." Wrapped in an Afghan coat and wearing a T-shirt with a fat David Crosby emblazoned on the front, MARA's leader P....
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Jan.27.2009
He liked a bit of powder, James Bond, benzedrine was his choice of sniff. Raking up the buzz in the early novels, trying not to be over confident on a combo of bennys and champage, when executing the plan for Queen and Country. Bond's success is really the product of a drunken glory, a...
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Jan.22.2009
Television is beautiful. It's where we make the kings and queens.
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3 comments
Jan.03.2009
When was the last time you were up to no good? It's a bit of a walk, lots of dark lanes to run through, a steep hill too with cliffs. Falling off as the cliff crumbles. That's the kind of experience gained when you get up to the heights of no good. And it's some view up there, you can see as clear...
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Jan.01.2009
Bartenders across the world took a pounding on New Year's Eve. Incoming volleys of whistling drunks was followed later by cleaning up the collateral damage of expelled stomachs, carrying the legless to ambulances, and taxis, and having to don the blue helmet to separate warring male factions. In...
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Dec.28.2008
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2008/dec/28/uk-crime-pub-death
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About Alan
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Alan’s Favorite Books
Don Quioxte, Ulysses, The Upanishads, Plato's Symposium, Tacitus's Germania,