It's been five years since I left L.A., but still a part of me dreams of returning back there in triumph. That's the kind of person I am. I don't let go of things easily. It's a trait that can be beneficial and detrimental in turns. I've never been one of those fickle people that like a particular TV show or colour in my youth and then quickly change it when the fashion changes. No, I like what I like no mater what and I like it a lot. It's always disturbed mehow quickly some people change, as if aspects of their personality were new clothes they could try on and discard again. I've taken great pains to keep a continuum of my personality. Although I move around a lot you can always find me in the same sort of stores in whatever city you find me in.
Being able to hold onto things this way came make you a good writer. I can keep stories in my head for years and years. My screenplay, "the Highwaymen" is an evolution of an idea I originally had when I was about 16, based on a poem I read when I was 12 or 13. SometimesI can't find a good ending or point of entry for a story, I file it away in the backlog of my mind and turn it over now and again as the years go by, until I'm finally able to do something for it. I don't remember everything obviously, but plots and characters will often stick in my mind. I often find myself thinking of old stories I read or movies I've seen before I go to bed at night. Sometimes I find the more other people refuse one of my stories the more I come to love it, the more I want to see it published and the more I push it.
However, I find when it comes to my personal life, this desire for perfection and inability to let go of old narratives and used up characters puts me at a disadvantage. I have always had a hard time letting go of people. It literally took me years to get over my grandfather's death when I was 10. After he died I went into a spiral of depression. Wherever I looked I seemed to be reminded of him. Wherever I went I felt like I wanted to turn around and say something to him, and the wave of sorrow that he wasn't there to talk to would just hit me like a fist to the gut over and over again, at the most unexpected of times. It was even worse when I broke up with my first boyfriend, a man I was with for eight and a half years. Growing up as a teenager with someone else, relying on another's impressions, the way one relies on one's own and then suddenly losing that extra brain, is tough. When it happened I became seriously depressed for a long time. It's been six years now and even though I'm now in a fulfilling relationship with a wonderful, caring man, I still think it's messed me up a little. I marvel at how people I know can go from one person to another with so little emotional damage to themselves. Oddly enough, my ex who was so intent on keeping me at the time and trying to salvage what we had, quickly found another . Fate threw me and his now-ex together on a job recently and it was quite an unsettling experience. Hopefully, knowing how he feels about her and how completely he's forgotten me, should allow me to move on with my life and invest all I have in my current relationship. Although I don't think he was a bad person, I think he didn't treat me very well at times, certainly not as well as my current boyfriend does. I want so much to marry and have children and I know my current boyfriend would be a superbly caring husband and excellent father. Yet there's still this part of me that won't let go of the past, no matter how much I want it to. It makes me feel horribly guilty and frustrated. Why can't I just move on already?
I've known plenty of women who whine and moan over the men in their lives and how they've done them wrong. I don't feel that way. Sure other people I've had relationships with have messed up, but so have I. None of us wanted to hurt each other, yet thta's what happened. It's happening now as well, I know. When you're afraid for your sanity every time you talk about certain things, it doesn't help. I wish I could understand what to do about all this and how to go about my life. Sometimes I wish I could talk to myself in the future like those Freedom 55 commercials. It's so hard to figure out what decisions we make today will look like down the road. What path do you take when nothing feels safe? When you're a kid, it's so easy for parents to explain away the monsters in the closet, to expose the fallacy to the light. But when you're an adult and afraid of real things people dismissing your fears, doesn't help, it only makes you more fearful, because you know they don't understand or at least don't want to. They live in another world from you, a world without fear of mental breakdown and the destruction of all one holds dear. They're not the ones who live with the regret for events of years and years ago.
I don't want to change the past. That's not it. I just want to live without the fear that what happened before will happen again. And the thing is, no one can honestly tell me it won't. In fact, medically speaking it's likely it will probably occur again somewhere down the line. What preventative measures can I take to secure my life against it? I know what to do in the short term, but in the long term, who can say?
There are many choices, but few clear paths to the future I desire.
What should a person do in these circumstances? I do not know.