One of the things I used to daydream about, during my years of writing novels with no sales was how I would thank my husband, Topher, in my dedication when I finally sold a book. I would read the part in On Writing by Stephen King about how he smiles when he sees authors thank their spouses and I'd smile too. Because through all those years and all those unpublished books, Topher told me time and time again, "Amy, it will happen. It's only a matter of time." He held me when I cried out my disappointments. He believed in me when I didn't. (And in between, he raised kids, made dinner, did laundry, grocery shopping and all the things I would neglect.) So, I couldn't wait to one day thank him for his tireless love and support.
That day came this week. I set aside a morning to write it - everything I ever wanted to say to the love of my life about how I wouldn't be here without him.
And then we had a big fight. So instead of one dedication, I now have fourteen.
- To Topher, for driving me crazy enough to write books.
- To Topher, who makes me want to lock myself in the basement all the time.
- To Topher, who's only in this for the money.
- To Topher, who hates me, but hides it well.
- To Topher, who doesn't really hide it that well.
- To Topher, I want a divorce. Sorry you had to find out here.
- To Topher, even though he actually makes it harder sometimes.
- To Topher, whose decades-long silence spurred this career choice.
- To Topher, who's only putting up with me because he thinks I'm going to buy him a boat.
- To Topher, bet you're sorry now, eh?
- To Topher. You're so vain, you probably think this book is about you.
- To you-know-who, despite you-know-what.
- To You. Without a challenge, life would be boring.
- To Topher, the curry you ate tonight wasn't just hot. It was poisoned. See you in hell.
(The author would like to thank her patient (and very handsome) husband for urging her to post these for a laugh, and would like to assure readers that after sixteen wonderful years of marriage, these little spats are rare, but always completely his fault.)