Red Room Where the Writers Are

...and here i am soap suds up to my elbows and a scouring sponge to wipe away the debris of the good food that graced our table and my hair all shiny and wet from a shower that i never take at seven o clock in the evening and yet i wanted to wash the day away, hear the glug of its demise, the  end of the day. and here i am at this keyboard with my hands freshly scented by handcream that promises the end of winter hardship and cold days that swish in with a roar and end with a whisper. days. days and nights that come too soon, four o clock and the lamps come on, i light them obsessively, wait for that moment when they must come on or all, i believe is to be doomed.

whats this? there is an inverted c on my son's back. his spine does not fall into a neat line as it should. nice lady in white coat and white Crocs breaks the news. no, i say, he has had all the cheese and milk and organic yogurt the world has to offer, breast milk until it ran out his ears. you must be mistaken. feel the c, she says in her nice professional way. i run my index finger down the river of bone that is my sons spine. it curves, it bends like the rivers i saw flying over the land on my way to California. i remember because i said to my son, the son with the c on his back, that i wondered if they were rivers or roads and he said well, there the same thing mom really and i sat back in my nice comfy chair on the airplane and drank a bloody mary and agreed and looked at the inflight magazine that offered wonderful perfumes for great prices. but today, i saw a c on my son's back. it was not a river or a road but really a type of cul de sac and with soap suds breaking at my elbow i cried a little. i don't know why because he will more than likely be okay but i couldn't help but think about the baby that came bursting out of me fourteen years ago, the big baby, the one that brought all the joy and the utter joy and the beyond joy and when i saw him there today, stand before me with a c on his spine and well, i wanted to take him and hold him and burrow into him as i wished it wasn't now but then. way back then.