Red Room Where the Writers Are

Write what you know. Shave your legs before each date. Use hooks and cliffhangers. Don't wear last year's shoes. Do not use passive voice. Start using anti-wrinkle at 26. Show, don't tell. Swallow, don't spit. Don't use adverbs. Laugh at his jokes. Use a three-act structure. Never let him see you without makeup. Write a professional query letter. Never confess your love first.

If your novel doesn't sell, obviously you're not talented enough.

If you don't end up with Mr. Perfect, it's just because you don't love yourself enough.