Coffins and Cultures
'Drop in when you drop dead' was the tagline at the undertaker’s outlet. I imagined stone cold corpses walk in for a cuppa and a casket. This was on my regular route and it invariably made me smile.
I thought about the smiles I saw at the Michael Jackson memorial service. They were not celebrating death, but life. Brought up in a culture where this is unusual and loud weeping is common and acceptable it made me see the cultural differences.
The empty hearse touched me more than anything else. Someone called A Body, just a body, would be d
riven in it to his final resting place. Such finality. Moving through the grounds of Forest Lawn Memorial-Parks and Mortuaries, there was desolation in the person of the hearse. It was a lonely carriage without even a passenger who could see nothing, speak nothing, sing nothing.
The other details are there: A $25,000, solid bronze, 14-karat gold-plated coffin, described as a rare Promethean casket, had a blue velvet interior and mirror finish. This was a celebrity and these minutiae perhaps become immensely important for the public.
But, what is the death industry all about?
All my childhood and college days I was surrounded by Christian friends, yet I did not know the bodies had to be embalmed. What I did know is that the kind of coffin chosen had a great deal to do with how much money could be spent. The area where I live is very cosmopolitan and we have people from all communities living either in the same apartment block or down the road. One would often stop out of courtesy and respect as the hearse with the mourners and priests walked passed; the music was a dirge if the dead person was young and a bit less sombre if the person had lived life long enough. I still hear the sound of this music as a funeral procession makes it way to the churches close to where I live. Instinctively, I stop doing what I am doing.
I recently read a report from Denver about the ‘Green way to go’ in biodegradable coffins made from recycled newspapers or cardboard or banana sheaves or bamboo. One funeral director said, “I guess you can go to hell in a handbasket now.”
In natural burials, bodies aren’t embalmed and eventually decompose into the earth.
Muslims have always buried their dead this way, with only a white sheet covering the person as s/he is released into the ea
rth and handfuls of mud are thrown over it by close family and friends and shovelled back to ‘seal’ the place. Flowers are allowed to be placed there but no permanent tomb or even a mark is permitted. It is believed that the soul lives on. Even a grave is not seen as permanent and someone or the other will replace that space in time. The caretakers of the graveyard seem to know all the dead in the locality and the moment they see a family member they know where to direct her/him.
My mother used to visit my grandma’s grave. She had sown some seeds and a plant had sprouted. I thought she had created a beautiful memorial. On a later occasion she saw a huge chaadar – a thick sheet of flowers – over it. Some relative in the enthusiasm to offer prayers had killed the plant. Sometimes, I accompanied her. We would sprinkle water over the grave, light agarbattis (incense sticks) and say a prayer. I would just look intently and in that gaze of intensity memories came alive.
That is the reason I do not like to see tombs, that too ones that are ostentatious. Muslims who do not believe in idol worship end up doing that when they bow down before a dead saint at one of the many dargahs that exist even in Islamic societies.
In India there are other ways to go as well.
Hindus are cremated. The bodies are either burned over piles of wood, the quality of the wood and the grease
denoting the status of the family. When the body is devoured by flames and the skull is cracked, the ashes are put in an urn and given to the family. Many take them to be dropped in the holy rivers or a place which they consider important. These days there are electric crematoriums and many people opt for it.
Parsis, believers of Zarathustra and immigrants from Iran, are a dwindling minority. They do not believe in any of the other ways to go since they do not wish to pollute the earth or the air and believe that even in the end a person must be useful. So, in their Tower of Silence vultures descend and peck on the corpse. A peculiar problem has arisen in a city like Mumbai. The vultures have almost disappeared and the bodies decompose and spread a stench. Since the resting place is in the urban hub with tall buildings around, earlier too there was a problem when the birds would sometimes carry bits of flesh and drop them anywhere at all. Bits of a life?
believe that this life is not all; neither the beginning nor the end. I believe while I tremble; I trust while I weep.
- Charlotte Bronte
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Ellen R. Sheeley says:
The rituals surrounding
The rituals surrounding death are so cultural, Farzana, and this is a fascinating subject.
I don't pretend to understand Muslim death rituals. However, I did notice when I was in Jordan that they are markedly different from my family's. As it happens, the Jordanians recently celebrated the death anniversary of one of their leaders (for less than a year. . .he had mental health problems), and they are clearly doing so at his tomb (scroll about halfway down the page, where the photos commence). I noticed that, when new diplomats are sworn in, they are immediately dragged to the tombs. When foreign dignitaries arrive, they are taken to the tombs. Even orphans are taken to the tombs (which one would think might be traumatic for them). So there are tombs there. Even the Nabataeans, who built the beautiful city of Petra, built tombs into the rock faces. The kings and pharaohs of ancient Egypt were also buried in tombs. And so is it correct to conclude that tombs are provided for the elites, perhaps for legacy-building reasons as much as anything?
I thought MJ's ceremony was interesting. Apparently, the Forest Lawn ceremony was his funeral, but there wasn't a burial. He showed up later at the memorial service. So when is he going to be buried? Or will he be cremated, as was his desire? I'm confused.
Typically, among American Christians, a funeral is actually a two-parter. . .some sort of church service, followed by a burial. Later, there might be a memorial service, which is a bit lighter, more a celebration of the departed's life. Because some time has normally passed, people are not quite as grief stricken. But I've seen plenty of tears at both. It's not taboo, but some people are just shy about grieving in public, so prefer to shed their tears in private, if they can hold them back.
Farzana Versey says:
Death rituals may be
Death rituals may be culturally different even within religions based on sub-sects and, of course, status. I do believe that the tombs created for Muslims are often by/for the elite, although it can also hark back to the pagan origins of Islam.
Taking dignitaries to these places is a phenomenon not alien to us here, too. I find it quite appalling, unless the death is recent or it is to mark an occasion.
When I mentioned the tears here as opposed to the more controlled grieving in the West, it was not to suggest that the sorrow is any less. It is merely a way of publicly reacting.
In Rajasthan state in India, some people still have professional mourners - called rudaali (there was a film by that name)who are called specifically to cry and beat their breasts. I wonder why it is only women...
~F
jitu rajgor says:
Not relevant with the topic but....
We, men have cunningly created and gifted all that things to women, which are related to suffering, sorrow, wretchedness, pain, blame and so on. So,there is 'Rudali' but no 'Rudala', 'Dasi' but no 'Dasa', 'Sati But no Sata', 'Kalankini but no Kalankana', 'Randi but no Randa' and so on. How precisely and deliberately 'game of trap' is placed before the women? And still women are thinking and searching for given fair chance, at par, some day! I feel hopeless some times.
Farzana Versey says:
Women-centric cuss words,
Women-centric cuss words, too...I think it shows the insecurity of men. However, 'Dasa' is used but only when it comes to being a servant of a god/goddess.
Jitu, there can be a feeling of hopelessness, but women are shakti.
~F
jitu rajgor says:
Yes Farzana,
Yes Farzana,
but I wish that, that 'shakti' may be given small choices like, purchesing medicine for herself, giving opininon on her child's education, allow fresh food which she herself prepared for the entire family, asking her husband the reason of being late, whether to sit in a corner of a house for days when her husband dies and like that. 'Shakti' is useless without basic freedom. In my opinion this 'Shakti' stuff is also a part of that game.
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
I've been to the Gandhi
I've been to the Gandhi graves in New Delhi, JFK's grave outside Washington, D.C., some graveyards of military men in Normandy and outside Bangkok, and the beautiful Pere Lachaise cemetery in Paris. But a trip to the graveyard isn't my idea of a great place to drag people who come visit me. As you say, there is a time and a place for it.
When I lived in New Orleans, there were professional mourners at some of the jazz funerals. Not sure how that tradition took root there, for the people are of such mixed bloodlines.
Luciana Lhullier says:
There are still professional
There are still professional mourners (carpideiras) in some remote areas of northeastern Brazil. People say the Portuguese colonizers brought that custom.
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
Ah. There is a lot of
Ah. There is a lot of Latin influence in New Orleans because of its proximity. Perhaps that's how it took hold.
Chris Rodell says:
death fascinates
I love your anecdotes about the death industry, in particular the lines about "drop in when you're dead," and "I guess you can go to hell in a handbasket."
But I also enjoyed your ruminations on the cultures of death. Great topic and I love how you take us from a gaudy celebrity funeral to one of the most basic -- consumption by vulture!
Best,
Chris
Farzana Versey says:
Thanks, Chris. Death is the
Thanks, Chris. Death is the ultimate leveller and despite the differences in the process, it is ultimately a predator...is the vulture a symbol as well?
~F
Mary Wilkinson says:
Ah Farzana, you hit on a
Ah Farzana, you hit on a button with your latest post. I come from a culture where the whole world stops if there is a funeral. Traffic is held up because the mourners walk behind the hearse. People get dressed up. They drink a lot of Irish Whiskey. I don't buy into it especially after attending my mother and father's funeral. I saw much hyprocrisy. Tears shed when it was too late. People crying over themselves and not for the memories that they, unfortunately, did not have. I have very negative feelings about funerals. I want to be cremated, not typical for Irish people, I want my ashes to be cast away off the wild west coast of Ireland. That aside, celebrating a life is what is important in the here and now, crying over someone who is dead is pointless when the fact is that when they were alive they were cast aside and looked upon with disdain. Mp
jitu rajgor says:
Oh dear Mary, what a genuine
Oh dear Mary, what a genuine thinker and opinion maker you are!
Mary Wilkinson says:
Oh Dear is right Jitu.
Oh Dear is right Jitu. Because thinking this way has cost me! You can easily become labelled as the black sheep or worse you can become the scape goat. Believe me.
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
I wondered when you were
I wondered when you were going to show up and chime in, Mary.
When my great grandmother died, we held the last of the great Irish wakes in the family. In her case, she was a matriarch and genuinely loved by all. But I could easily see how all the pomp and circumstance could go horribly wrong when the dearly departed isn't exactly saintly. :-)
I've had too much death in my life in the last 10 months to feel sure of anything any more.
Farzana Versey says:
Mary, the hypocrisy is worse
Mary, the hypocrisy is worse when funerals are planned on a large scale and halls are booked for lavish condolence meetings. I have witnessed menus being planned for the relatives and people bringing out special mourning sarees and solitaires for the occasion.
However, in the little part of the road where I live, the passing of the hearse does not create a traffic snarl. And the cars move along soon after. Perhaps my city is organised at least in this!
There are levels of how one grieves and I would bang out at the other questions about how death is seen as martyrdom when it is nothing of the sort.
~F
Mary Wilkinson says:
Ellen, how about when the
Ellen, how about when the dearly living ain't so saintly either! lol
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
Hehehe. I think we might
Hehehe. I think we might share some relatives, Mary. :-D
Luciana Lhullier says:
Regarding death and
Regarding death and funerals,I think what changes from culture to culture, and even among individuals from the same culture, is the attitude we have towards life. Death summarizes what life means to us. My brothers and I watched our father suffer daily, for four months, with a minimum chance of surviving. The night our stepmom called from hospital and he was dying, I held his hand and thought- go in peace, you were a fantastic man. I was relieved to see that his ordeal was ending. He was a wonderful father, a great friend, a dignified professional. I was happy to have had him as a father, and I have many times told him so when he was alive and healthy. We had no unfinished business, the two of us. All the tears I had were shed during his disease, from watching him in so much pain and not being able to change that. I almost didn´t cry in his funeral and took my son to say goodbye to his grandpa (but I was a kind of black sheep, too, Mary). People were appalled when I walked in with a four-year-old in a funeral. They didn´t understand it as a homage.
Mary Wilkinson says:
I can relate to what you
I can relate to what you wrote Luciana. I had the same experience when my Mother was dying. I spent a lot of time with her, through her illness, crying and sharing and talking and just being together. When she died it was as if I was all cried out. There were people at her funeral who cried but they were crocodile tears. Your words to describe your father, fit my own Dad. After my Mum died, he was, sadly, left quite alone and yet, whn he passed away, his funeral was well attended...
Farzana Versey says:
I am a bit sentimental about
I am a bit sentimental about personal grieving and thanks for sharing these moments, Luciana. I weep easily and due to my irreliosity I feel helpless because this is one time I have found that those who pray feel freer.
~F
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
I think sometimes tears are
I think sometimes tears are for the left-behind people as much as the departed.
jitu rajgor says:
New
Being a doctor I come across the death scene many times in my life. Some enthusiastic neighbors work hard for arrangements of funeral. It is proud giving task for them; even they count events then and there, of such deaths with account of their help. In short, to them, it is a matter of ability of their management rather than sense of sorrow for the person and relatives. Out side the house, people chat on different topics including stock market and politics, chewing tobacco, smoking, checking time on wrist watch frequently or playing with mobile phone. Some more eager even criticize for delay in process.
And they think that they have performed a great duty today. In my society they are being considered very good neighbors, relatives and friends. And the person who helped the unfortunate by all means when he was alive, but can not be present at funeral for some genuine reason is criticized for that. This is a double standard of the society. I am referring to the Indian community. I am less fervent to participate in funerals unless I am emotionally well connected with the person. In fact I am much forward in meeting and helping people when they are alive. I am a 'black sheep' too. I respect the person who visits friend\relatives home to help post-demise requirements like insurance, bank, health, certificates, pension and lot more.
Farzana Versey says:
When my cousin lay dying,
When my cousin lay dying, people would congregate in the ICU lobby. I hated it, but there were times I had to go because it was believed that I was 'lucky' for others. It felt like such a terrible burden, since the doctors had given up. He did not survive. I agree with you, Jitu, and do follow that as much as I can to assist those left behind...but then here too one needs to give space.
Sumathi Mohan says:
I agree with you Mary
I have attended only one funeral all my life. Strange isn't it ! My uncle died drinking when I was eight years old. I saw him seated in a chair, with his nose plugged with cotton balls and his chin tied to the chair for support! The women seated around him weaping, the men stood in groups silently outside.That was shocking for me, I never knew mourning after that, never liked knowing too. I myself have been close to death a couple of times during accidents and operations.
I lke what you say Mary, Even I wish to be spread across on some mountains, a field; or to a mound unrecognised. dust I am to dust I wish to return. Not polluting the Ganges for sure.
Mary this poem I wrote long ago, wish to share with you and others. Wasn't a poet then!
BENEATH THE WORLD I REST
Who is that? Who knocks above?
Inside my grave; it disturbs me so,
Vermillion is the color, below,
my friend who creeps hitherto.
I found a place at last for peace
Why do you come pestering me niece?
So scientists want to speak to the dead,
when alive they never offered me bread.
Offering flowers at my toes,
makes me frown and wrinkle my brows.
Now killing a human is an easy game,
That brings latter name and fame.
Digging a grave isn’t a decent job
Man don’t stoop so low and probe
You didn’t allow me to survive above,
Kindly allow me peace below.
Sumathi Mohan
April 2003.
Mary Wilkinson says:
Sumathi, this is a wonderful
Sumathi, this is a wonderful poem and it caputures everything I feel about the whole death (and life) experience....'''when alive they never offered me bread......'' That's it in a nutshell. Thank you. Mp
Sumathi Mohan says:
Thank you Mary
Thank you Mary